HALF PAST CHILDHOOD
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
Disclaimer: Bob’s Burgers and all characters are trademarked by 20th Century Fox
(This takes place after “Ear-Sy Rider”, easily my favourite Louise episode to date)
Having closed up shop for the evening, Bob and Linda Belcher were making firm plans for the morning ahead.
“I’m going to tuck the kids in Bobby; did you clear your schedule for tomorrow?”
“Sure did Lin, it’s just now the guys think I’m in the pro wrestling business”
“How’d they draw that conclusion?”
“Well I wanted to make my day seem more dramatic over the phone, so I told them I had to wrestle the schedule, and…Well…”
“…The phone cut off didn’t it?”
“Yeah…not so much as cut off, as Gene took it. Ripped it right off the walls” Bob explained.
“Oh Bobby, my big pro” Linda said, elbowing him.
“Ok stop it, look at me; I’m not in any sort of physical shape to put someone in a headlock”
“Sure you can, here, try me” Linda said, wrapping her head around his lanky arms.
“Lin…Lin, this isn’t…” An unnerved Bob spoke.
“Come on, choke the chicken littles out of me Bobby” Linda commanded.
“Lin, cut it out, this isn’t funny, I might hurt you, you want me to end up like Crispen Wah?”
“Crispen who?” Linda asked
“Crispen Wah” Bob answered
“Crispen…? What, Bobby I don’t know anyone by that name…”
“Wrestler. Killed his whole family” Bob continued.
“Oh you mean the guy with the French Canadian name…”
“Yeah, I’m pronouncing it right”
“No you’re not” Linda insisted.
“Gene’s always telling me I am” Bob explained.
“Gene’s a precious thing, but he’s totally a living depiction of a vandalized Wikipedia article” Linda noted.
“So how is it pronounced then?” Bob asked, genuinely curious.
“I’m going to tuck in the kids” Linda said, turning away and heading upstairs
“The guys still think I’m a wrestler” Bob yelled.
“Well call them again and say you’re not” Linda advised.
“I don’t think it’s attached to my side of the wall anymore. I told you, Gene sort of confiscated it. He attached it to the other end and charges me a buck to use it” Bob explained.
“Aw…a literal pay wall, that’s adorable” Linda replied
“I’m his father, I should put a stop to it” Bob muttered awkwardly as the full extent of his unsteady and shaken ego took hold.
“You’ll do no such thing” Linda told him.
Linda went up stairs and checked on two of her little darlings, Tina and Gene, before making her last stop at the den of her little floppy-eared dragon, Louise.
“Good night Louise, did you have fun with that visit we had from the little bicycle gang?”
“Motorcycle gang Mom” an annoyed Louise corrected her.
“Oh they were all quarrelling like little kids weren’t they? Then they became grown ups when that baby arrived…and you grew a little too, getting over your loss of your ears”
“I got them back Mom. Ta da” Louise said, stroking her ears with both hands.
“Yes, but you still felt compelled to tell Logan you could have them…I think you’ll hold yourself to that promise”
“I was totally psyching him out, the bone head fell for it. I can promise him only further pain in the future” Louise revealed, cackling devilishly and rubbing her hands with anticipation.
“Oh I’ll let you have your fun, I’m sure Logan will tolerate you more now that you said that to him” Linda continued, remaining ever the optimist in light of her child’s mischievous ideas.
As she motioned to close the door, Louise put out her hand.
“Mom…wait” she said
“What is it Louise? Need a good night kiss?”
“Firstly…gross, and secondly…he didn’t throw them out”
“He didn’t do what?” Linda said.
“He didn’t throw them away Mom. My ears, he told me he had and when I unleashed the gang on him, he caved and showed me he’d kept them”
“Aw, isn’t that adorable?” Linda said.
“That’s so not the word I’d use” Louise countered, folding her arms and staring at the ceiling, permitting herself a huff.
Linda beamed. She could tell these sorts of signs.
“What word would you use baby?” she said.
“Creepy. He’s…what, a couple of years up from me? I know the games boys play with girls Mom, that’s what freaked me out so much when he took ’em” Louise added.
“You recognize all that at your age? I’m impressed” Linda said proudly.
“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you’re street like me. We grow up too quick…maybe he senses that and targets me for it”
“You like taking care of the little lads in your class and challenging the older types, you want to test ’em, see what they’re made of…who knows, instead of making them break, you sort of leave an admirable impression on them” Linda explained
“I leave Logan with an impression? It ought to be the fear of further scorning, knowing I’m more resourceful, knowing I have him wrapped around my finger like he was today, wrapped so tight it must be likened to that of a noose. I want him to know my influence can lead to suffocation, not satisfaction”
“Big notions Louise, but I think what you told him today just shows how big of a heart you have”
“I was psyching him out, there’s no way I’d give him my ears willingly Mom” Louise insisted.
“Maybe that’s what you tell yourself sweetie, to ward off anything too above your station at your age, but I see honesty in those bright eyes of yours, and I hear sincerity whenever you speak…what you told him was sincere Louise, right now you’re half past childhood, but when you strike Adult O’clock, you’ll admit that to yourself”
“Well, I’ll be content with tick-tick-ticking off Logan as much as I can before that happens so he’ll never want anything to do with me” Louise vowed.
Linda stroked her face tenderly and rubbed her bunny headpiece lovingly before exiting the room
“Maybe, or maybe he’ll appreciate that you give him plenty of attention” she said, switching off the light and closing the door.
Louise slipped into unconsciousness as sleep took hold, peaceful thoughts of a sharp streetwise mind cast her mind to thoughts of one-upmanship and being in a position to control all those who dared cross her.
She relished thinking childishly. Long may it continue.
Well beyond the half-way point of childhood.
And if she crossed paths with Logan well past that, she’d make sure it wasn’t just his own adulthood he had difficulty with.
There was that occasional thought pertaining to whether or not he would enjoy it with her, but in light of thirty minutes past childhood, it came unglued in favour of selfish, devious thoughts about how much she’d enjoy making him suffer.
Any other thought suggesting anything otherwise could be left to a time all its own, and an age yet to come.