Bob’s Burgers-Rude Health

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

RUDE HEALTH

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Disclaimer: Bob’s Burgers and all characters are trademarked by 20th Century Fox

Note: This fic is set after “The Kids Rob A Train”

Linda Belcher savoured the moment as her husband came downstairs; she approached him with a blindfold in hand and wrapped it around his head.

“Lin, is this really necessary?” he said

“Shush now Bobby, let the mystery tale hold” his wife replied, and shoved him into the kitchen.

“Are we in the kitchen? Lyn, I shouldn’t be blindfolded in here. What if I put my hand on the stove by accident?”

“Oh just keep your hands by your sides and I’ll tell you when you can raise them” suggested Linda as she put on a pair of mittens and opened up the oven door to take something out of it.

Bob heard something clatter down on a table, he was tempted to peek but opted not to.

Linda took the mittens off and took something off the tray she had removed from the oven and placed it beneath Bob’s nose.

“Ok, now we play the game” Linda said gleefully.

“What game Lin? I just got done playing this sort of thing” Bob said, referring to the wine tasting incident on the train they were only a few hours removed from.

Linda continued to dance merrily around Bob, hoping he would identify the aroma coming from the item in her hand.

“Come on, guess what it is and you’ll get a treat” Linda insisted.

“It smells…like a cow just had some minty perfume put on it. That is mint right? Yeah, yeah a hint of mint in there…Lyn, can’t I just taste it?” Bob asked

“Not just yet”

“Well whatever it is, it’s got your mint cream touch all over it…that probably came out wrong” Bob said.

“Well you clearly recognize my handiwork, alright Bobby, now you can taste it” Linda said, and stuffed the item in Bob’s mouth.

Bob felt a sweetening sensation as he chewed down.

“This is definitely a burger…but it tastes like it’s been dipped in the chocolate from the train” Bob said, “I licked some of that off the kid’s clothes when they went for a bath”

“You did? Oh that’s gross” said Bob and Linda’s young scallywag of a daughter Louise as she came into the kitchen with Tina and Gene.

“It wasn’t gross actually, it was mildly surprising…and mild is about as exciting as it gets for me” Bob said.

“So what are you screwing up for dessert this week Mom?” asked Louise.

“Kids, put these burgers out, they’re free for all the customers to take. There’s only seven or eight of them so you can only permit one to each that’s interested in them. That way it’s all fair” Linda instructed.

“Mom, I can’t, Rudy’s here. What if he takes a bite?” said Louise in protest.

“Great, that’ll be another treat for him then” said Linda

“You don’t understand Mom, Rudy has an allergic reaction to chocolate, he comes off in a rash” Louise explained.

“Aw my little angel’s worried about a boy Bobby” said Linda, leaning on Bob’s shoulder.

“Wow, it’s good to know you’re looking out for him” said Bob.

“Oh please, he totally took advantage of it. Little jerk pretended it was a fatal allergy” noted a ticked off Louise.

“He feigned death to remind us that life is worth living” added Tina.

“There is poetry in pranking” added Gene.

“Oh will you two shut up, he scared me senseless when he did that. So rude” snapped Louise.

“Aw, you were scared? And here I thought you liked that big boy Logan, or the member of that boy band” said Linda.

“Welcome a trinity of choice into your life dear sister” said Tina, “Let them occupy your every waking thought until they too tire out, that is when you turn to the flock of Zombies, so they can take up the burden of your worn-down head”

“I don’t think of Rudy that way” protested Louise.

“What did I tell you about waiting for the right age to start thinking a bit clearer about these things?” said Linda.

“Oh pipe down, I gotta go serve him something…maybe a coke, can I Mom? A can of coke?” Louise said.

Linda tossed her a coke can; she went up to Rudy’s table and poured the contents of the can into a nearby cup.

“A little refreshment for you right there” she said, “Can I get you anything else?”

“Bob’s Brownies” Rudy said.

“Bob’s what?” said Louise.

“Brownies. You know the chocolate burgers. I saw the promotional ad in the paper. Free of charge. Couldn’t pass it up”

“Mom labelled the chocolate burgers ‘Bob’s Brownies’? But that’s what Mom calls whatever dad leaves in the bathroom” revealed Louise.

“Oh gross…really?” said Rudy.

“Totally” said Louise.

“Is that like a critique of your dad’s cooking?” Rudy asked.

“No, no she loves the burgers…I don’t know, you think it’s subliminal? Like that’s what she’s really thinking maybe?”

“She might need help there” Rudy replied.

“I’ve been saying that for years” joked Louise.

“I was joking by the way; about the burgers…I don’t want any. I just came over to apologize for weirding you out with my phony reaction”

“Yeah, don’t scare me like that, ok. I got really upset…just like the time you didn’t tell me about your inhaler. I like looking out for you, don’t shut me out when I can offer you a hand” Louise said, placing her right hand on Rudy’s shoulder.

Roody clapped her hand and smiled, “In that case, you’re best pouring that coke down the sink, and I tend to get the runs pretty quickly when I drink that brand”

“See, was that so hard to tell me before you go potty?” Louise joked.

As the two shared a healthy and hearty laugh, the Belchers looked on proudly.

“I think our little lioness is going to give someone a mighty strong cub one day…once she settles on which one she wants” noted Linda.

“The circle of life, and it moves us all, can you feel the love tonight…” Tina said, quoting from one of her favourite movies.

“And here’s MY little secret…I killed Mufasa” added Gene, doing the same, only not quite using the appropriate quotes for the situation.

“Linda, did you really name my burgers after my bathroom business?” asked Bob.

“I was short on time, so I recycled” said Linda.

“That kind of sounds like a critique…you sure you don’t want to be honest with yourself? ‘Cause it sounds an awful lot like you don’t think you did a good job and you’re just putting my name on it to distract from the fact others may not take to it” said Bob.

“Do you think I did a good job?” said Linda.

“Well, yeah, they tasted alright I guess…”

“Then your name being on them is your seal of approval” said Lynda.

“Shouldn’t you have waited ’till you got my endorsement before putting my name on them to endorse them?” Bob continued.

Tina and Gene sensed this could go on all day and hastily retreated, all while Louise and Rudy talked shop about school and what life was generally like in the concrete jungle for the restlessly young cubs.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11814692/1/Rude-Health

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