‘TILL THE COWS COME HOME
Disclaimer: Danger Mouse (2015) and all trademarked characters are property of Fremantle Media and CBBC
Is that wicked Weevil gone?
“Yes, narrator” said DM.
Really? You promise?
“My word is my bound” assured DM.
Now that it’s safe to come out again, let me be the first to congratulate you, the reader, on surviving the relentless mystical onslaught of the Queen of the Weevils with the rest of us. That witch was a handful, oh if only I hadn’t been narrating that flashback, she may never have been imprisoned in the first place.
“Yes, but if this Dangerous Muppet over here hadn’t reassembled the crystal she had been trapped in, she wouldn’t have gotten out” replied a very badly tempered Professor Squawkencluck.
“Let’s be reasonable people about this Professor, there’s always two sides to every story” said DM.
“Yeah, and you’re the type who’s stories always stick out at the sides” noted the Professor sarcastically.
“At least the whole experience made a believer out of you right Chief?” said DM’s trusty assistant Penfold.
“He’ll believe in a whole different sort of world than that of magic once he looks into my eyes and asks me an honest question…whatever happened to my Conveniantium handcuffs?” asked Squawkencluck, her face glowing a crimson red.
“Ah yes, I was just getting to that, I wouldn’t want you to be cheesed off Professor” joked DM.
“Now’s not the time to play the clown Chief, you already did that on Monday remember?” said Penfold, trying to calm the Professor’s nerves by taking her red hot hand and dampening it with a cold wet sponge.
“Yes, well Professor, all I can ask you to do is wait until I’ve prepared a full and reasonably logical answer”
“You had until the cows came home” said the Professor, “That was Tuesday. This little crisis aside, you’re out of time, and I’m just about to nip over to the Baron’s cell and ask him directly what happened to the handcuffs”
“Look, why don’t I make both of you some piping hot cups of Tetley Tea?” asked Penfold.
“Product placement now Penfold?” said DM.
“At least products know their place” snapped Squawkencluck
“Oh crumbs Chief, can’t you two ever get along?” replied a frustrated Penfold, folding his arms and tilting his head up and frowning.
“Are you turning your nose up at us?” asked DM.
“Never mind, I’ve got it” said Squawkencluck, and pinched Penfold’s nose with her right hand.
Penfold instantly embarked on a panicked dash across the room, wondering just where his nose had gotten to, still unable to comprehend that it was still attached to his face.
Squawkencluck allowed her eyes to roll over at the sad sight in front of her.
DM, however, could detect she was enjoying it.
“I couldn’t help but notice how playful you were with Penfold today Professor” DM observed.
“Don’t push those buttons DM, we’re all professionals here, I have little time for opening up in that way around you, him, or anyone” said Squawkencluck.
“You saw fit to tell us about your fear of clowns, so that disproves that” said DM.
“Ok, so I like to pick on Penfold, at least he’s more amusing than the everyday migraine I get from you. Satisfied?” asked the Professor as she walked over to Penfold.
“Very, now are you going to reattach his nose?” asked DM.
“Are you going to tell me where my handcuffs are?” asked the Professor.
“I’d rather milk that for all it’s worth” said DM.
“You’re trying to give me clues to the explanation in your jokes aren’t you?” asked the Professor, gently pulling Penfold close to her and placing her hand on his nose, giving Penfold the illusion of having restored it.
“I should never underestimate your powers Professor” said Penfold.
“And I should not underestimate how impeccably skilled your best friend is at evading the simplest questions” said Squawkencluck
“Professor, I think that’s udderly ridiculous” said DM.
Suddenly, the holographic projection of Col. K illuminated the room.
“We’ve got dire problems DM, there’s been a looting at a Turkey airport”
“Don’t you mean Turkish airport Colonel?” asked DM.
“No, a Turkey airport, one of the species-specific terminals that just opened up in the city, we need you to get back their valuables”
“I’m on it Chief” said DM, promptly darting out of the room.
Before Penfold joined him, he gave the Professor a thumbs up.
“Next time we have a conversation, he’d better not be talking turkey” said the Professor.
“It’s probably for the best you take away the source of his sense of smell if you smell something very fishy” said Penfold.
“You know, Penfold, you don’t have to take my magic tricks at face value” replied the Professor.
“Then where does the fun go in magic if you don’t embrace the illusion as if it were reality?” asked Penfold, “You can take my nose any day, because I trust that your helping hand will put it right back where it belongs”
With that, Penfold dashed out of the room after the Chief, leaving Squawkencluck feeling much better.
In the meantime, I, your humble narrator, am glad the evil Weevil Queen has been sealed off and placed within the badge attached to DM’s whimsically white attire.
I’ve seen worse places she could have ended up in.
It could have been a Blue Peter badge.