Bob’s Burgers-Not The Corpse [fanfiction]

belchers

 

BOB’S BURGERS
NOT THE CORPSE

“Come on Bob, it’s starting” Linda Belcher commanded as her husband continued to snooze.

She rocked his body back and forth, urging him to snap his eyes open and make an appointment with the television

Bob stirred, and stared at the clock, alarmed at how early it was in the morning, the world was still cloaked in darkness, but for today the world was alive.

Linda excitedly wandered into her children’s rooms, each stirring them awake.

“Up and at ’em, none of you are missing this” said Linda.

“Who died?” asked Louise as she got up, Linda dragged her into the living room.

“Please don’t be a whale, please don’t be a whale” pleaded Tina to whatever God oversaw everything above.

Linda switched the television on to receive the breaking coverage of the royal wedding.

“Oh for Pete’s sake, not this” said Louise.

“What? It’s the most heartwarming thing you’ll see all year” said Linda.

“I don’t know Mom, I’ve seen the end to Babylon 5” said Gene.

“Sweetie, that was heartwrenching, learn the difference” Linda insisted.

“Louise calls that a different kind of happy, and I’m inclined to believe her” retorted Gene, looking to Louise for validation.

“Whatever, I’m making a call” said Louise, picking up the phone and dialing in a number

Soon enough, the receiver picked it up.

“Hey Rudy” she said

“You feeling alright Louise?” said Rudy as he picked up the phone.

“Yeah, just doing my part in the vocal minority contributing as little to the royal shenanigans as possible” Louise replied

“Me too” said Rudy

“Oh nuts, sorry Rudy, I didn’t stop to think…weddings remind you of your parents don’t they? Sorry about that buddy” she said.

“No, it’s fine I’m good…more than good, I’m above the norm” said Rudy

“Really? What’s stuck your head in the clouds?” she said.

“You would know, I heard when you got on that bike, you just took off” said Rudy

“Totally, wish I’d had your ramps so I could have achieved that literally” replied Louise with a devilish laugh

“I’m proud of you Louise, but more so, I’m proud of myself…it took me a while to come to terms with it, but with how special those cops made me feel, I’m willing to come to school tomorrow in full acceptance of who I am…maybe I can help others accept who they are too” Rudy replied.

“And what are you exactly?” asked Louise.

“I’m still trying to figure that out myself…maybe God has the answer, he’s seen me in action, this is how he wants me to see him…by answering that question” Rudy explained.

“Rudy, I hope you know this is just because I had to convince those cops to clear the alleyway and allow us to play with the ramps” Louise revealed

Rudy pondered this for a minute, then resumed talking

“You mean you know what kind of man I am?” he said.

“Sure, you’re a cupcake, I’ve said as much before” said Louise.

“I’m as cool as the icing on top, but I’m not quite a cupcake any longer, I’m fly like an eagle, that’s what those cops were getting that, they were in awe of me”

“Hearing this ego trip is awe-ful Rudy, come on, come down to Earth a little, you know, for me?” Louise asked.

“I’ll touch down if you promise me another benefit” Rudy requested.

Louise knew at this point he was just playing with her, having figured out her deception was all to keep the lady with the van at bay and allow the kids to play in peace.

“Oh very coy Rudy, that wasn’t even all for you you know” Louise replied.

“You can’t take it back, you said you threw a benefit for me, your own words, just letting you know I appreciate it so much I demand an encore performance” Rudy continued, teasing her

“Ok, first, it was totally a lie, at least you know that now, secondly, If we kept pulling one off, it’d look less and less special. What do we want to do? Recruit the whole police force to come down next time? The magic all depends on circumstances Rudy” Louise revealed

“Maybe you can arrange my wake next time then?” said Rudy.

“Getting a little ahead of yourself buddy” Louise replied.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right…still, it was nice of you to at least make up a charitable event in my name Louise, It’s just everyone is buzzing about the wedding and I’d much prefer the kind of attention it’s getting from everyone in the neighborhood” Rudy revealed.

“You’re the man Rudy, while some people are annoyed they’re not the bride or groom, you’re annoyed that you’re not the corpse” Louise concluded, smiling affectionately, though Rudy could not see it.

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