STEAMED HAMS BUT IT’S AN IN-RING PROMO
ADAPTED FROM “22 SHORT FILMS ABOUT SPRINGFIELD”
“Welcome to the longest running weekly episodic program in television history, this is Monday Night RAW” said Micheal Cole as he opened the latest edition of World Wrestling Entertainment’s
“As you can see, Miz TV is set up in the ring” observed Corey Graves.
“You just know the a-lister has got what’s sure to be a critically acclaimed plan for dealing with Roman Reigns tonight” said Booker T.
The Miz headed to the ring accompanied by his Miztourage. All three of them stepped into the squared circle and welcomed the large capacity crowd to the event.
“Welcome one and all to the most must-see show on any brand, RAW is the home of Miz TV and I have come with a peace offering for Roman Reigns, one might say this will be an unforgettable luncheon” he said, snapping his fingers so as to alert his Miztourage to their next course of action.
They unveiled in the center of the ring a small oven, smoke was slowly pouring out of it.
“Hmm, yes, it’s coming along nicely, you can tangibly taste the smell of that roast cooking in that oven. Yes, succulent delights await Roman when he arrives, or rather if he arrives, I hear he’s taken a slight detour. All the more for us I guess” said The Miz, confident that he would be able to help himself to the meal if Roman couldn’t make it.
Suddenly, Roman Reigns music hit and the crowd came alive.
“The big dog has made it Miz, despite your directions” said Cole on commentary.
Bo Dallas checked the oven and found the chicken was significantly burnt, he relayed this information to his employer.
“What do you mean my roast is ruined?” The Miz whispered back.
Curtis Axel suggested that he head over to a recently reopened fast food joint near the arena so he could purchase something and disguise it as their own cooking.
“Delightfully devilish Axel” The Miz said.
Just as Curtis was about to exit the ring and head towards an exit in the area, Roman stepped into the ring and glared at him.
Miztourage with their crazy explanations
Roman Reigns is gonna need his adulation
When he hears the fans negative reactions
There’ll be trouble in town tonight
“Axel” Reigns yelled as the crowd booed and jeered him.
“You can tell the WWE Universe is having fun” said Cole.
“Oh Roman, I was just stretching my calves on the ring apron, isometric exercise, care to join me?” said Axel, who already had leg positioned on the side of the apron.
Roman noticed the smoldering contents of the oven.
“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?” he asked.
“Oh, that isn’t smoke, it’s steam, steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Hmm, steamed clams” replied Bo.
Reigns was swiftly distracted by the arrival of Samaoa Joe, who had come to taunt Reigns for losing his Wrestlemania clash with Brock Lesnar.
Curtis seized the opportunity and bolted from the ring and to the fast food joint.
“The only things steaming up in this arena is the heat between you and me Roman. Your failure to conquer the beast only fuels the fire necessary in me to put you out to pasture permanently at Backlash” taunted Joe.
“At Backlash, you’ll find this is still my yard, and this dog still has a lot more bite left in him” promised Roman.
After a few additional back and forth exchanges, each promising to take down the other in an assortment of unpleasant ways, Joe took his leave, Roman turned around to find Curtis had returned
“Roman, I hope you’re ready for mouth watering hamburgers” said Curtis, holding a stunning dish serving the meal.
“What are you feeding me here? I thought you said we were having steamed clams?” said Roman
“No, no, we said steamed HAMS. That’s what we call hamburgers” said Bo with a swift and assuring confidence.
“You call hamburgers steamed hams?” said Roman, clearly not buying it.
“Yes. It’s a regional dialect” said Bo
“Uh-huh… uh, what region?” said Roman.
“Uhh… upstate Florida?” Curtis said.
“Really? Well, I’m from Pensacola, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase “steamed hams.”
“Oh, not in Florida, no. It’s an Albany expression” remarked Bo
Roman nodded in agreement I see.
Roman took a handful of the burgers from the plate. The Miz quietly hid the burning oven beneath the ring while he was distracted. The Miztourage joined in on eating the burgers.
“You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they used to have at The World” said Roman
“Oh ho ho ho… no, patented Miztourage burgers. Old family recipe” assured Curtis
“For steamed hams?” Roman asked.
“Yes” Bo replied
“Yeah, so you call them “steamed hams” despite the fact they are obviously grilled” said Roman.
Bo suddenly noticed the smoke was starting to intensify beneath the ring.
“Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second” he said, clambering out of the ring and conversing with The Miz as they checked under the ring. Bo stepped back into the ring stretching his arms. The Miz whispered instructions to Curtis.
“Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I’m pooped” Bo said.
“Yeah, if you think this is going to pacify me after the way you cheated me out of the intercontinental title, you’re very mistaken. It’s payback time” said Roman, pumping up his fist for a swift superman punch.
Suddenly, he noticed the smoke rising from the ring.
“Just what is happening down there” he said.
“Aurora borealis?” said The Miz.
The crowd booed.
“Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely beneath the ring?” barked Roman.
“Yes” said The Miz
“May I see it?” Roman asked.
“No” said The Miz.
“This house is on fire” said Cole as the crowd broke into a “Miztourage” chant.
“No Micheal, it’s just the northern lights” joked Graves.
“Quiet, quiet, when my hand goes up, your mouth goes shut” said The Miz as he raised his arm to silence the audience
“Well Miztourage, you are odd fellows, I must say you steam a good ham…but I throw a good haymaker” said Roman, and took out the entire group with a barrage of superman punches and spears, all as the crowed jeered him, rejecting the latest attempt of getting him over.