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Bob’s Burgers-An Expected Hit

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

AN EXPECTED HIT


“How far do I have to be?” asked Bob.

“Just a few inches more Bob” Linda replied, Bob slowly backing away from the restaurant.

“Lyn, you’re kind of backing me up onto the road here”

“That’s the point silly, now raise the ad up high” Linda instructed.

Bob raised a placard he held in his hand, with the word HIT scribbled on it, with a triangle in the middle.

Lyn, I really don’t want to hold up any traffic here

Oh you’ll be peachy Bob, now hold still while I take the shot

The Belcher children swiftly arrived on the scene

“Whoa Mom, you trying to get Dad whacked or something? Louise asked, taking note of the sign Bob was holding

“No, nothing of the sort kids, we’re just trying to move some business along”

“Lyn, come on” Bob said, as a few cars had already stopped dead in their tracks, their drivers aggressively telling him to move off the road.

“Looks to me that the traffic isn’t moving along” said Louise.

“Mom, what’s with the triangle on the sign?” said Tina.

“It requires an eye, like on the corrupt dollar bill” said Gene.

“Now Gene, what did we tell you about not taking the whole root of all evil thing seriously? ” Linda cautioned.

“I will not sleep soundly with a sound mind, my hats are made of tin for a reason. Assure me this is the work of the devil or I will be no angel today”

“Gene, I’m docking your pay for that remark” Linda said, annoyed.

Gene sulked.

“No, really mom, what’s with the triangle?” Tina asked

“It’s pointing to the restaurant, it says hit because that’s what the recent food reviews in the papers called us”. said Linda

” Whoa, whoa, wait Mom…that’s meant to be an arrow from a front angle?” Louise asked, slightly bamboozled.

“Yeah, the idea is we list the name of the street we’re on, take a picture of the road in the town, post it online and then the customers who view it on their apps and whatnot can pinpoint where it is.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense to write the name of the business on the sign? By just having it read ‘here’, you’re not giving it much information

“And if anything, the fact the rival restaurant is right behind him will probably make everyone think he’s advertising THAT” Louise pointed out

“Linda, they’re honking at me” cried out Bob, “I also think one of them’s contemplating stepping out of his car, yep, he’s rolling up his sleeves. The sleeves are rolled. ”

“I think you should give Dad the all clear Mom”

Louise suddenly felt someone tug at her skirt, she peered around and found pocket-size Rudy from school commanding her attention

“Oh, hey Rudy, fancy meeting you here”

“I wanted to give you this” Rudy said, handing Louise a thank you card. Louise read the message aloud.

“Be it small, regular, or large, you make everything feel fun size”

“Oh gee, that’s sweet of him…this is for saving him from those loons who loomed over him at lunch right? ” Tina asked.

“Yeah, thanks short stuff, it was my honour” Louise said, rubbing her hand across Rudy’s hair and scruffiying it up a tad.

“Aw, my little angel’s looking out for all her little cupcakes that begin with the same name”

“Don’t read into it Mom” Louise said, trying to cover her tracks. Linda gave her a knowledgeable stare, respecting her daughter’s desire to keep her true feelings for a Rudy of the regular kind private.

“Linda, for god’s sake, just write the address on the sign next time” Bob said

“Ok Bob, come away from the traffic, the kids have gotten me to change my mind”

Bob walked back, apologizing profusely to the drivers. It had been, however, too late to appease one of them, who had levelled his face with a mean right hook.

“We’re really going to have to hold family meetings if we’re going to plan big boosts for business” Bob said. Linda walked over to him and nursed his black eye.

“I guess this campaign led to a most expected hit” said Tina.

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Bob’s Burgers-Enough Rope

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS:

ENOUGH ROPE

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


“I want a crack at that whip” Louise remarked as Tina continued to thrust her right arm in a forward motion towards one of the restraint tables, with her brother Gene continuously making whiplash noises.

Their parents, Bob and Linda, walked in, caught sight of what they were doing, and were left bamboozled.

“Tina honey, what are you doing?” Bob asked.

“Just putting in an imaginary shade of grey” Tina said.

Bob instantly understood the reference and became ever so slightly miffed, he turned to Linda.

“Lyn, I told you not to leave that book lying around” he pointed out.

A small breeze briefly touched the back of his neck. He turned around, only to find nothing there. He didn’t give the sensation any further thought

“I already grounded Louise for reading it” Linda said in her defence.

“Yeah, but you know how exotic Tina gets also” Bob replied.

“Oh yeah, the butts thing…there’s a lot of that in there. Silly me” said Linda, realising the error of her ways.

“I want a crack at the whip next” said Gene.

“No dice, I promised our client I’d keep him male” said Tina.

“What kind of girl doesn’t want to make a man out of me?” asked Gene.

“Tina, let your brother fantasise about a woman in that position” said Linda

“Don’t encourage this behaviour Lyn” Bob said.

“Oh where is my head today…I know where it is, it needs to be where the dishes are, come on Bob you can help out”

“Lyn, you’re avoiding the subject, you think they’re going to cut this out? It’s a project to them, they’re going to COMMIT”

“Just let them whip it out of their system, nobody’s getting hurt”

“My client is, and he enjoys it.” Tina replied.

“That’s nice dear; good customer feedback is what we like to hear in real life too”

“Is this real life, or is this fantasy?” Bob joked.

“Dishes Bob” said Linda.

As Bob took in the greasy plates left on the far right of the bar, he noticed a young puckish boy staring intently upwards outside.

“Rudy?” said Bob, and wandered towards the front door to see what was going on.

“Hey, Mr. Belcher” said Rudy.

“Rudy, why are you staring up at Louise’s window?” Bob asked

“I’m thinking of a way to climb up”

“Seriously, like in ‘Clarissa Explains it All?'” Bob asked.

“Bobby, the dishes” said Linda.

“In a minute Lyn” said Bob.

“What’s ‘Clarissa Explains It All?'” asked Rudy

“Don’t you watch late night Nick?” asked Bob.

“Louise is always telling me I’d never last past midnight” said Rudy.

“Why do you want to climb up to Louise’s window?”

“I heard she was grounded, we were supposed to play some games at my place, thought I’d come to her instead”

“Why not just invite yourself in? You’ve been in our home upstairs before”

“Mrs. Belcher didn’t want Louise to talk to anyone today. Could you maybe convince her?”

“She’s a little too busy at the moment son..besides, even if you wanted to see her, Louise’s window is closed”

“I know, I want to get her attention somehow so she’ll open the window”

“Then how will you get up?”

“She could hand me a rope or something” Rudy explained.

Bob chuckled.

“I really think you need to think this through Rudy, this sort of thing rarely works outside of the movies”

“You think I’ll be too big for the rope to sustain?”

“Well you said it” Bob replied.

“The whole thing’s not worth talking if that window just remains shut” Rudy replied.

Bob picked up a couple of small pebbles on the ground.

“Here, chuck one of these at it, this used to work for me all the time when I wanted to hang out with my friends” Bob replied.

Rudy tossed one as far as he could, but it barely reached the intended target, falling back down at the half-way mark.

“Put a little more energy into it Rudy, like this” Bob said, hurtling his own stone.

A thunderous thud and an alarmingly harsh crack could be heard.

“Oh swell move there buddy” came a voice from behind them. Bob and Rudy turned around, and were greeted by Louise, holding a bag of sweets in her hand.

“It was your Dad” Rudy said.

“Yeah, but you encouraged the madness”

“Louise, what are you doing out here? You’re grounded” said Bob.

“Yeah, I snuck out while Tina was putting on her shady show” Louise revealed.

Bob suddenly realised where the chill that pierced the back of his neck came from earlier. While he and Linda watched Tina’s imaginary sex show, Louise had managed to creep past them and quickly slip through the door. The weather was particularly breezy so it caused a draft.

“Tina got that idea from you didn’t she?”

“You and Mom were too busy today to nip out to the store to get us our Wednesday intake of sugary goodness, so I stepped in using my knowledge of the ‘grey area’ to give Tina and Gene something to do to hold your attention”

“Yeah, well I’m going to have to confiscate those and ground all three of you for pulling that stunt” said Bob

“Yeah, and if you do, I’ll tell Mom you broke my window” said Louise.

“Oh you play this game way too well” said Bob, deflated and defeated.

“Tina’s putting on something shady? A slim chance I could see it?” said Rudy.

“Not for your innocent eyes little buddy” said Louise, grabbing his hand and pouring some sweets into it.

“Thanks” he said.

“I heard the whole thing by the way…you wanted me to hand you a rope? You abuse yourself way too much as it is” she joked.

“Or maybe the ‘Tangled’ thing” Bob asked.

“Hey, I value my hair just the same as the hat on my head” said Louise.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to pull it so hard it’d tear off”

“Make me an instantaneous skinhead? Worth it” Louise replied.

“OK, OK, I’ll sneak you back in Louise, but you’re still paying a small price. Rudy, go home, you can see her at school tomorrow”

“Yes sir. Thanks for the sweets Louise”

“Thanks for being sweet enough to come ’round buddy” Louise replied, nudging him on the shoulder.

As he left, Bob instructed Louise to stick closely to his back as he walked back into the restaurant, where Tina was going into overdrive on her ‘client’

“Aw look Bobby, she’s trying to earn a bonus” said Linda, beaming proudly at the fictitious feat.

“I suppose she’s not really scarring anyone except herself with this” Bob replied.

“Crack that thing quick and hard girl” said Linda

“Yeah, crack it like a window” joked Bob.

“Give yourself enough rope Dad…” Louise whispered devilishly.

Bob’s Burgers-Dog Days

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS:

DOG DAYS

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


“It was the faint sound of tiny footsteps that set him off that cold day in 2016” Louise said to the huddled group of keen and curious children gathered outside the restaurant.

“He didn’t quite catch it at first, but as the steps grew steadily louder, he found himself drawn closer and closer to the inky grey fog that blocked out all other sights, but never the sounds” she continued, sensing that her story was prickling away at the tender necks of her audience. She closed in for the kill

“Whatever he hears, he sets his sights on seeing, whatever commotion is going on, he intends to give you something to shout about, he…he…”

She set eyes to the right of her, waiting for something to come into gaze. Shortly enough, she got what she wanted. Bang on time.

The individual turned the corner, entered the street, and froze in his tracks as he saw the gathering before him.

He sighed.

“Not again” he whispered.

“…He’s right there, he’s come out of the fog, and he hears everything you’ve been up to” Louise cried out, pointing her finger at the remaining kids.

“Do you know where your parents are? Because they’re wondering just what it is their kids did last summer…YOU know, now so does HE, and no matter what you’ve done, he’s gonna say it’s ok. Don’t trust him; because it’s not gonna be ok. Never. EVER.”

The panicked kids saw this as their moment to depart in a hurry, scattering in a variety of directions, and out of sight of the perplexed police officer.

Bob peered out of the restaurant window to see nobody there except Louise and the cop. He stepped outside.

“Can I help you Officer?” he asked.

“Yes, please sir, could you kindly put a leash on your daughter?” he asked

“Leash jokes now? Oh you’re sick” said Louise.

“What’s this about?” said Bob.

“Yeah, ask and he’ll tell, Rudy sure as hell can’t at the moment” said Louise

“Louise, honey, Rudy’s fine, he was looking for you this morning, where were you?” asked Bob.

“I was down at the pound, I was looking for Chester” she said

“Whatever for?” said Bob.

“To treat him like the dog he is” said Louise.

“Yes, that’s what I was coming over to talk to you about. They figured it might as well be me that came to see your folks after we caught you harassing the animals on the CCTV cameras” said the cop, looking rather flustered as a kid crept up on him and kicked him in the leg before scurrying off.

“ONE animal and boy what an animal, an animal this cretin let back into society after declaring it wasn’t dangerous”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re telling all these haunting stories about the guy is it?” Bob realized, kneeling down and gripping a shaken Louise’s shoulders. “Louise, calm down, he’s just part of the system is all, he was the one releasing it back to his owner, and the people at the pound had declared the dog was safe. Blame them”

“Take on the whole system? Are you nuts, I go after things one piece at the time. Tear down the whole wall and society gets twisted a lot quicker, there’s no control over that, and you know me Dad, I’m a control freak”

“And someone who obviously cares enough for the men she controls in her life to take things too far with people who have jobs to do and need people to trust in them” said Bob, trying to instil some wisdom in his daughter.

“I have things I need to do, can I trust you to keep an eye on your daughter while I patrol the area?” said the cop.

“Sure, sure, just, the next time, try to be around kittens next time”

“The ones in trees?” said the cop sarcastically

“Yeah…well you don’t need to be snarky about it”

“Don’t tell me what my needs are, you need to focus on your daughter’s needs” argued the cop.; Louise stuck her tongue out at him.

“What exactly does my daughter need?” said Bob.

“Discipline for one thing” said the cop.

“Oh I’ve been as patient as I can be with you; you don’t want to see the wrecking ball, no sir”

“It’s true, she knows where one is. Construction sites just a couple of blocks back. She’s been in the seat. Had to pry her from it. She knows how to move it. I was a bit slow” said Bob.

The cop threw his hands in the air and opted to storm off, realizing his words were falling on what he gathered to be deaf or plain ignorant ears.

“Rudy almost died dad” Louise said, a little hint of dread in her voice.

“Minor scratches Louise” Bob reassured her, “He thought it was a pretty exciting moment when the dog went for him”

“Yeah, but he’s an adrenaline junkie, which is going to kill him if he doesn’t realize that soon” said Louise

“Hey, you’ll be there to hold his hand, and his inhaler, if he needs it, you know? You two are glued to the hip; you’ll pull him back from the edge”

“Yeah, but I totally wanna jump off the edge myself sometimes, just don’t want to smash any cupcakes on the way down” Louise said, partially giggling as some assertively positive thoughts got the better of her and sent a ticking sensation to her tummy.

“He can handle it, not everything’s sugar, sometimes there’s a lot of spice, that’s you that is, come on, let’s resume adding actual spice to our way of life” Bob joked, hoisting Louise up on his shoulders and carrying her back into the restaurant to prepare some spicy chicken burgers.

Bobs Burgers-The First Domino

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

THE FIRST DOMINO

At the breakfast table, the Belchers were discussing the day before, a day where a decision had been made, a vow taken by the youngest of them.

“So this is a bit of a turning point isn’t it?” said Bob

“Definitely” replied Louise to her father.

“No more turkeys, even for thanksgiving?” Louise’s older sister Tina added as she poured cereal into each of the children’s bowls.

“Gene would you like milk with that?” said Tina.

Gene shook his head.

“If she’s off turkeys, I’m off what they produce” said Gene

“Gene, milk comes from cows, not turkeys” Linda noted

“UNNATURAL SELECTION” Gene snapped back.

“A Belcher promise is a guarantee…or your money back” Louise continued.

“Louise, we don’t pay you to eat” Bob replied

“You don’t even pay me to serve” Louise countered.

“Yeah, well, explain your allowance then” Bob replied.

“That’s not earned is it? That’s just something you’re obligated to give me until I grow out of it. Same with bus passes”

“Louise, who said you could have a bus pass?” Linda said.

“Regular Sized Rudy has one” Louise replied, taking scooping up some of Gene’s cereal with a spoon and consuming the dry golden grahams

“Hey, this tastes better without milk” Louise noted.

“As some other God intended” Gene replied.

“Honey, Rudy has specific needs” Linda replied.

“What about mine? “ Louise argued, “The change I use on the bus ought to go to a big bag of Starburst”

“Louise, you’ve only ever been on a bus twice this year, everywhere else Mom and Dad drive you….” replied Tina

“…Crazy” added Gene.

“Yeah, they do” Louise added.

“This is just a phase honey, come next year you’ll be in the spirit for it again” Linda assured her.

“Yeah, but the spirit of adventure is what it’s all about now isn’t it?” Louise argued, “If we don’t have that in our lives every year, eating turkey rather than tackling one is going to feel like a step down”

“Bob, did you give Rudy your Donna Summer cd?” Linda said, having gotten up to look through her and Bob’s music collection.

“Yeah, I sort of insisted on it” Bob revealed.

“We seem to be giving him a lot of hand outs lately…Louise, didn’t you give him your Freezer Dome belt?” Tina asked.

Louise rubbed her right shoulder tensely.

“How’d you know about that?” she asked.

“He took a fetching photo of himself wearing it. With feather boas. I may have forced him into it, but you have no evidence other than my confession, which may be a lie to cover up the idea he has peculiar notions of fashion sense different from mine” said Gene.

“Yeah, everybody at school’s already heard about that bird feathering himself” said Louise, scooping up more of Gene’s cereal.

“Louise, why’d you give him the belt? He was the first person you eliminated, and with virtually no effort required” said Tina.

“I don’t know, I guess I kind of liked that he insisted on his toughness and that he was willing to try his hand at it rather than cave in. Guy’s the most well-meaning wuss I know, he’s not satisfied with being the first domino you tip over y’know? He wants to mean something more than that” Louise explained.

“He’s your sweet little cupcake isn’t he?” Linda replied.

“MOM” Louise yelled

“Hey, your words not mine and I was there remember?” Linda replied.

“Wow, Louise actually called him her cupcake?” Bob replied

“I was emphasising just how much of a wimp he was” Louise replied.

“And what about you calling him ‘sweet little Rudy’ huh?” Linda responded, clasping both her hands as the warm and enticing notions of sentiment between her little princess and the pint sized ace with asthma gave her stomach butterflies.

“You won’t live to see the end if you bring that up again” snapped Louise

“Alright, you’ve gone from talking turkey to acting like one. Your room Louise, go there, now” ordered Bob.

“Fine” Louise said, and stomped out of the kitchen and headed towards her room.

As soon as she was clear of her family, she permitted herself a wry and humbling smile.

He is my sweet little cupcake isn’t he?” she thought, before her outer adolescence let out a couple of barely audible curse words as she condemned herself for the very thought

Bob’s Burgers-Rude Health

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

RUDE HEALTH

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Disclaimer: Bob’s Burgers and all characters are trademarked by 20th Century Fox

Note: This fic is set after “The Kids Rob A Train”

Linda Belcher savoured the moment as her husband came downstairs; she approached him with a blindfold in hand and wrapped it around his head.

“Lin, is this really necessary?” he said

“Shush now Bobby, let the mystery tale hold” his wife replied, and shoved him into the kitchen.

“Are we in the kitchen? Lyn, I shouldn’t be blindfolded in here. What if I put my hand on the stove by accident?”

“Oh just keep your hands by your sides and I’ll tell you when you can raise them” suggested Linda as she put on a pair of mittens and opened up the oven door to take something out of it.

Bob heard something clatter down on a table, he was tempted to peek but opted not to.

Linda took the mittens off and took something off the tray she had removed from the oven and placed it beneath Bob’s nose.

“Ok, now we play the game” Linda said gleefully.

“What game Lin? I just got done playing this sort of thing” Bob said, referring to the wine tasting incident on the train they were only a few hours removed from.

Linda continued to dance merrily around Bob, hoping he would identify the aroma coming from the item in her hand.

“Come on, guess what it is and you’ll get a treat” Linda insisted.

“It smells…like a cow just had some minty perfume put on it. That is mint right? Yeah, yeah a hint of mint in there…Lyn, can’t I just taste it?” Bob asked

“Not just yet”

“Well whatever it is, it’s got your mint cream touch all over it…that probably came out wrong” Bob said.

“Well you clearly recognize my handiwork, alright Bobby, now you can taste it” Linda said, and stuffed the item in Bob’s mouth.

Bob felt a sweetening sensation as he chewed down.

“This is definitely a burger…but it tastes like it’s been dipped in the chocolate from the train” Bob said, “I licked some of that off the kid’s clothes when they went for a bath”

“You did? Oh that’s gross” said Bob and Linda’s young scallywag of a daughter Louise as she came into the kitchen with Tina and Gene.

“It wasn’t gross actually, it was mildly surprising…and mild is about as exciting as it gets for me” Bob said.

“So what are you screwing up for dessert this week Mom?” asked Louise.

“Kids, put these burgers out, they’re free for all the customers to take. There’s only seven or eight of them so you can only permit one to each that’s interested in them. That way it’s all fair” Linda instructed.

“Mom, I can’t, Rudy’s here. What if he takes a bite?” said Louise in protest.

“Great, that’ll be another treat for him then” said Linda

“You don’t understand Mom, Rudy has an allergic reaction to chocolate, he comes off in a rash” Louise explained.

“Aw my little angel’s worried about a boy Bobby” said Linda, leaning on Bob’s shoulder.

“Wow, it’s good to know you’re looking out for him” said Bob.

“Oh please, he totally took advantage of it. Little jerk pretended it was a fatal allergy” noted a ticked off Louise.

“He feigned death to remind us that life is worth living” added Tina.

“There is poetry in pranking” added Gene.

“Oh will you two shut up, he scared me senseless when he did that. So rude” snapped Louise.

“Aw, you were scared? And here I thought you liked that big boy Logan, or the member of that boy band” said Linda.

“Welcome a trinity of choice into your life dear sister” said Tina, “Let them occupy your every waking thought until they too tire out, that is when you turn to the flock of Zombies, so they can take up the burden of your worn-down head”

“I don’t think of Rudy that way” protested Louise.

“What did I tell you about waiting for the right age to start thinking a bit clearer about these things?” said Linda.

“Oh pipe down, I gotta go serve him something…maybe a coke, can I Mom? A can of coke?” Louise said.

Linda tossed her a coke can; she went up to Rudy’s table and poured the contents of the can into a nearby cup.

“A little refreshment for you right there” she said, “Can I get you anything else?”

“Bob’s Brownies” Rudy said.

“Bob’s what?” said Louise.

“Brownies. You know the chocolate burgers. I saw the promotional ad in the paper. Free of charge. Couldn’t pass it up”

“Mom labelled the chocolate burgers ‘Bob’s Brownies’? But that’s what Mom calls whatever dad leaves in the bathroom” revealed Louise.

“Oh gross…really?” said Rudy.

“Totally” said Louise.

“Is that like a critique of your dad’s cooking?” Rudy asked.

“No, no she loves the burgers…I don’t know, you think it’s subliminal? Like that’s what she’s really thinking maybe?”

“She might need help there” Rudy replied.

“I’ve been saying that for years” joked Louise.

“I was joking by the way; about the burgers…I don’t want any. I just came over to apologize for weirding you out with my phony reaction”

“Yeah, don’t scare me like that, ok. I got really upset…just like the time you didn’t tell me about your inhaler. I like looking out for you, don’t shut me out when I can offer you a hand” Louise said, placing her right hand on Rudy’s shoulder.

Roody clapped her hand and smiled, “In that case, you’re best pouring that coke down the sink, and I tend to get the runs pretty quickly when I drink that brand”

“See, was that so hard to tell me before you go potty?” Louise joked.

As the two shared a healthy and hearty laugh, the Belchers looked on proudly.

“I think our little lioness is going to give someone a mighty strong cub one day…once she settles on which one she wants” noted Linda.

“The circle of life, and it moves us all, can you feel the love tonight…” Tina said, quoting from one of her favourite movies.

“And here’s MY little secret…I killed Mufasa” added Gene, doing the same, only not quite using the appropriate quotes for the situation.

“Linda, did you really name my burgers after my bathroom business?” asked Bob.

“I was short on time, so I recycled” said Linda.

“That kind of sounds like a critique…you sure you don’t want to be honest with yourself? ‘Cause it sounds an awful lot like you don’t think you did a good job and you’re just putting my name on it to distract from the fact others may not take to it” said Bob.

“Do you think I did a good job?” said Linda.

“Well, yeah, they tasted alright I guess…”

“Then your name being on them is your seal of approval” said Lynda.

“Shouldn’t you have waited ’till you got my endorsement before putting my name on them to endorse them?” Bob continued.

Tina and Gene sensed this could go on all day and hastily retreated, all while Louise and Rudy talked shop about school and what life was generally like in the concrete jungle for the restlessly young cubs.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11814692/1/Rude-Health