Tag Archives: Curtis Axel

WWE: Steamed Hams But It’s An In-Ring Promo (fanfiction/parody)

 

WWE:

STEAMED HAMS BUT IT’S AN IN-RING PROMO

ADAPTED FROM “22 SHORT FILMS ABOUT SPRINGFIELD”

“Welcome to the longest running weekly episodic program in television history, this is Monday Night RAW” said Micheal Cole as he opened the latest edition of World Wrestling Entertainment’s

“As you can see, Miz TV is set up in the ring” observed Corey Graves.

“You just know the a-lister has got what’s sure to be a critically acclaimed plan for dealing with Roman Reigns tonight” said Booker T.

The Miz headed to the ring accompanied by his Miztourage. All three of them stepped into the squared circle and welcomed the large capacity crowd to the event.

“Welcome one and all to the most must-see show on any brand, RAW is the home of Miz TV and I have come with a peace offering for Roman Reigns, one might say this will be an unforgettable luncheon” he said, snapping his fingers so as to alert his Miztourage to their next course of action.

They unveiled in the center of the ring a small oven, smoke was slowly pouring out of it.

“Hmm, yes, it’s coming along nicely, you can tangibly taste the smell of that roast cooking in that oven. Yes, succulent delights await Roman when he arrives, or rather if he arrives, I hear he’s taken a slight detour. All the more for us I guess” said The Miz, confident that he would be able to help himself to the meal if Roman couldn’t make it.

Suddenly, Roman Reigns music hit and the crowd came alive.

“The big dog has made it Miz, despite your directions” said Cole on commentary.

Bo Dallas checked the oven and found the chicken was significantly burnt, he relayed this information to his employer.

“What do you mean my roast is ruined?” The Miz whispered back.

Curtis Axel suggested that he head over to a recently reopened fast food joint near the arena so he could purchase something and disguise it as their own cooking.

“Delightfully devilish Axel” The Miz said.

Just as Curtis was about to exit the ring and head towards an exit in the area, Roman stepped into the ring and glared at him.

Miztourage with their crazy explanations

Roman Reigns is gonna need his adulation

When he hears the fans negative reactions

There’ll be trouble in town tonight

“Axel” Reigns yelled as the crowd booed and jeered him.

“You can tell the WWE Universe is having fun” said Cole.

“Oh Roman, I was just stretching my calves on the ring apron, isometric exercise, care to join me?” said Axel, who already had leg positioned on the side of the apron.

Roman noticed the smoldering contents of the oven.

“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?” he asked.

“Oh, that isn’t smoke, it’s steam, steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Hmm, steamed clams” replied Bo.

Reigns was swiftly distracted by the arrival of Samaoa Joe, who had come to taunt Reigns for losing his Wrestlemania clash with Brock Lesnar.

Curtis seized the opportunity and bolted from the ring and to the fast food joint.

“The only things steaming up in this arena is the heat between you and me Roman. Your failure to conquer the beast only fuels the fire necessary in me to put you out to pasture permanently at Backlash” taunted Joe.

“At Backlash, you’ll find this is still my yard, and this dog still has a lot more bite left in him” promised Roman.

After a few additional back and forth exchanges, each promising to take down the other in an assortment of unpleasant ways, Joe took his leave, Roman turned around to find Curtis had returned

“Roman, I hope you’re ready for mouth watering hamburgers” said Curtis, holding a stunning dish serving the meal.

“What are you feeding me here? I thought you said we were having steamed clams?” said Roman

“No, no, we said steamed HAMS. That’s what we call hamburgers” said Bo with a swift and assuring confidence.

“You call hamburgers steamed hams?” said Roman, clearly not buying it.

“Yes. It’s a regional dialect” said Bo

“Uh-huh… uh, what region?” said Roman.

“Uhh… upstate Florida?” Curtis said.

“Really? Well, I’m from Pensacola, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase “steamed hams.”

“Oh, not in Florida, no. It’s an Albany expression” remarked Bo

Roman nodded in agreement I see.

Roman took a handful of the burgers from the plate. The Miz quietly hid the burning oven beneath the ring while he was distracted. The Miztourage joined in on eating the burgers.

“You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they used to have at The World” said Roman

“Oh ho ho ho… no, patented Miztourage burgers. Old family recipe” assured Curtis

“For steamed hams?” Roman asked.

“Yes” Bo replied

“Yeah, so you call them “steamed hams” despite the fact they are obviously grilled” said Roman.

Bo suddenly noticed the smoke was starting to intensify beneath the ring.

“Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second” he said, clambering out of the ring and conversing with The Miz as they checked under the ring. Bo stepped back into the ring stretching his arms. The Miz whispered instructions to Curtis.

“Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I’m pooped” Bo said.

“Yeah, if you think this is going to pacify me after the way you cheated me out of the intercontinental title, you’re very mistaken. It’s payback time” said Roman, pumping up his fist for a swift superman punch.

Suddenly, he noticed the smoke rising from the ring.

“Just what is happening down there” he said.

“Aurora borealis?” said The Miz.

The crowd booed.

“Uh- aurora borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely beneath the ring?” barked Roman.

“Yes” said The Miz

“May I see it?” Roman asked.

“No” said The Miz.

“This house is on fire” said Cole as the crowd broke into a “Miztourage” chant.

“No Micheal, it’s just the northern lights” joked Graves.

“Quiet, quiet, when my hand goes up, your mouth goes shut” said The Miz as he raised his arm to silence the audience

“Well Miztourage, you are odd fellows, I must say you steam a good ham…but I throw a good haymaker” said Roman, and took out the entire group with a barrage of superman punches and spears, all as the crowed jeered him, rejecting the latest attempt of getting him over.

WWE-The Imperfect Grind


THE IMPERFECT GRIND

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


The dreamer can daydream for so long before the sands finish slipping through the hour glass, and the dream is over.

The dream had seemingly passed, but he knew the opportunities had not yet ceased to settle

As he stormed into Vince McMahon’s office, the dreamer focused on adjusting his vision, fixated on the road signs that led to the grand event known as Wrestlemania, and the prize at the end of the rope.

He had champions in his corner, a slew of Youtube vloggers who had made their case for what was due him. He would plead his case to the Authority. He felt certain that this time were more clear on who they wanted to headline the grand stage against the beast incarnate Brock Lesnar

All they needed to hear were the voices of the disenchanted. Of the people.

Those in attendance in Philadelphia had made their voices heard too. They had rejected the sultan of ‘suffering succotash’, the man who could make even a crowd deeply entrenched in appreciation of wrestling lore boo a run-in and endorsement by the People’s Champion. The crowd had rejected Roman Reigns, and would hopefully continue to reject him

He opened the doors of Vince’s office. He was met with cold, dead stares. There was a creative meeting in place. Some demanded to know what the dreamer was doing here unannounced.

Some burst into fits of laughter, knowing exactly why the dreamer was doing here.

“This is no laughing matter” said the dreamer. “No matter what you and some opposed to me on the internet may believe, to most of those who pay good money and indulge in great appreciation for this art form, I am professional wrestling, I was cheated out of the rumble, the people all know it, they want me dead centre in the main event of Wrestlemania, I just know it”

“Curtis, do you remember the “genesis” speech you cut on NXT years ago? That alone makes Roman look like Edgar Allan Poe in terms of precision promos”

“But…I…was an intercontinental champion, I have beaten the likes of Wade Barret and The Miz”

“Barret loses every week and Miz is a loser every year”

“I teamed with Ryback”

“And he’s barely recovered from THAT” pointed out a writer.

“I was a Heyman guy”

“Paul E is the kiss of death for anyone who isn’t Lesnar, just ask Cesaro”

“These are all credentials you can’t diminish with a few minor ‘buts’ in the details” replied Curtis

“We can dismiss them when we see how many butts in the seats those accolades generated, ZERO” snapped back Michael Hayes

“My point I was unjustly denied my Rumble entrance by Eric Rowan, I have a legal right to the championship, this has happened before and been approved”

“Oh yeah?” said a writer, “Who else?”

Curtis twiddled his fingers apprehensively, “Maven” he said.

The uproar of laughter was enough to send the dreamer well on his way out of the door

Curtis Axel, the dreamer, thought back on his career, and how much he had gone up against the day to day politicking of the professional wrestling world

How much of it could he still take?

He took a photograph out from his jeans and looked on it fondly.

He looked to his blood. He looked to his family, and to his father.

His perfect father.

“How did you manage it Dad?” Curtis asked the kind hearted soul in the photo.

Curtis Axel, a Henning, lifted up his head and walked back down the corridors, and thought ahead to another day. Be it another edition of Main Event, be it another outing on Superstars, he would work against the Imperfect Grind, he would be the canary in the coal mine, and he would make as few butts in the seats as possible marvel at the diamond detail he would craft in the ring.

He would earn his respect. If not from the writers, if not from Vince, if not from fans, then for himself and his own family

And that would be enough

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11009597/1/The-Imperfect-Grind