Tag Archives: dangermouse

Danger Mouse-If There Was A Mountain To Move

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Ah the supermarket, where frantic shoppers go to restock the contents of their fridge back at home, and it is here we find the world’s busiest secret agent.

“Let me see…OJ, OJ, OJ…ah, Purple Stuff” said DM as he popped the large container at the front of the trolley besides the boxes of cereal and French loafs.

He reached the frozen foods aisle, and a pang of nostalgia shot through his heart as he stared at the range of Melted licensed offerings.

Bumpsidaisy Burgers

He reached out to grab the item; he stared at the imagery, thinking back to the obsessions his friends had with the franchise, and reflecting on what this particular character the food was branded on meant to him.

A time where he had given a girl a bedazzling waltz that enabled him to save the world.

Another hand swiftly attempted to grab the item from his hand, their fingers nimbly overlapping over one another as the struggle to attain control of the box began in earnest.

“Hands off you, I called first dibs”

“And I’ll just call you a dib” came a familiar voice.

DM peered down to find the person on the other end clutching the box was Dawn, the girl he had shared magic with under the Northern Lights.

Here they stood now, grasping the box, looking over it to catch the expressions conveyed in their three eyes, two for Dawn, one for Danger Mouse, both wondering if their experience in the chilling cold could stir up warm emotion within them both now.

Surely that experience couldn’t have been for nothing? DM thought.

He could sense there was something more to the timeless child that stood before him, he’d seen her at her most selfish as well as at her most vulnerable, but that day he danced with her, the day they put both of their bodies through a wondrous motion, was the first time he had seen her at her most submissive.

She had learned to let go, to seal the cracks she had admitted to have seen within herself, and reflected that attitude through the pristine reflection of a mind, heart and soul at peace.

Something changed in him that day too, he had waited forever to find something to stir the song within his own soul, after years of falling victim to nerves, and Dawn had brought that courage to the forefront.

It could not have been for nothing, he knew it, and she must have too.

DM sighed, handing her the box.

“Here” he said.

Dawn gave him a sour look and looked for the expiration date, thinking DM was only letting her have the burgers because they’d gone off.

DM tried to provoke some small talk, in the hope he could break through the icy demeanour of the child nemesis and get to know her a bit better in this form, fearing at the same time she could turn to her teenage form and use her powers for destructive ends, bringing the whole of the supermarket crashing down on the teeming shoppers that populated it.

He had to be careful about it.

“I see you’ve changed your mind about Melted” he said, referring to how she never wanted to watch the movie again after their dance.

“These are the only burgers I happen to like in this wretched city, the branding doesn’t mean anything”

“I see, so there’s nothing there then? Maybe a film doesn’t matter all that much as you get older, which would, in your case, only be handled within a matter of seconds”

“No, a movie doesn’t matter” said Dawn, surprising DM with a swift clasp of her one free hand, she pulled at his arm, forcing his face to meet her height, and she clasped one side of his cheek softly

“The experience does” she says, kissing him on the nose.

“You turned that on rather rapidly” DM said, blushing ever so slightly.

“You can’t hide what you mean from me Mouse, you wouldn’t be standing here trying to get me involved in mushy grown-up talk, you’d be alerting your silly side-kick and that plucky back ended Professor to what I was doing looking for a way to stop whatever it is I was doing”

DM gave her a smug glance, he found Dawn’s ability to grasp the obvious a strong compliment to her character, it certainly put her in a league of her own, far beyond his other rivals and enemies, even friends.

Whether or not she was a friend in this instance was another matter entirely.

“Where’s Snuggle?” said DM, knowing Dawn’s friend, protector and caretaker could not be far behind.

“At the arcade machine, a driving simulator, he’s keeping my seat warm” Dawn replied.

“How’s he doing? I’ve never known him to drive”

“Oh he’s not playing the game, he’s just pretending to until I get back with some change to put in the slot”

“Do you have any?”

“No, so if I can’t play before I leave, nobody else is, I’ll have Snuggles smash it to pieces before we go”

“But who’d pay for that?” said DM.

“They all pay eventually” Dawn replied, letting out a cruel giggle.

“I believe in this instance, you can’t hide what you mean to me either” said DM.

“So what do you intend to do about it?”

“Care to flip a coin?” said DM, producing five pence from one of his suit’s pockets.

Dawn gasped, and swiftly grabbed it.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you” she said, giving the mouse another gentle touch on the nose with her gentle lips.

“Good, now hand it over” said DM, his hand outstretched, waiting for her to deposit something in his hand.

“Hand what over?”

“You know what I mean” said DM.

Dawn winked and gave him the hamburgers.

“What did we learn today?” DM said.

“Money can be exchanged for goods and services” she said.

“Run along” said DM.

Dawn relieved Snuggles of his pretend play through, jumped into the simulator, inserted the coin into the slot machine, and set to work on having a good time.

“We heading home after this?” Snuggles said.

“Somehow, I feel like I already was home” Dawn said.

As he watched Dawn play, DM felt that if there had been a mountain to move in this moment, he had just pushed Everest.

Danger Mouse-Older

DANGER MOUSE:

OLDER

(Contains Spoilers for “Melted”)


“I’m never watching that film again” Dawn Crumhorn vowed as the Mark IV darted across the arctic tundra en route back to London. She was tied to the back of the flying machine and was finding the wild winds difficult to tolerate, especially as they were messing up her hair.

“Well, at least Melted gained one fan to replace the one it just lost” came a voice from the intercom.

Dawn frowned.

It was him.

Her co-star in her most recent misadventure.

“I’m not talking to you, you cut my adaptation to ribbons”

“Terribly sorry about that, it took me a little while to get into the part” Danger Mouse replied.

“I should have kept your dimwit sidekick in the role of Bumpsydaisy, he’d have stuck to the script” Dawn continued

“Penfold is many things, but a willing accomplice would never fit” DM replied, having faith that his sidekick would never be completely swayed.

“And what about your pitiful pal? I’d much rather spend the rest of this trip talking with a fan of the experience than some newcomer who only used a priceless moment as a means to an end”

“He’s taking a nap, I should know, I gave him a little something in his refreshment to send him to slumber land” DM revealed, adding a tenth pillow from the car’s compartments to the pillow fort that he’d been forming around Penfold to keep him asleep.

“You put him to sleep?” Dawn asked.

“Which means we can talk” DM continued.

“Talk?”

“That big number we shared was a means to an end, but I meant everything I said in that performance Dawn”

Dawn felt something shoot up her spine.

At first, she believed it to be a rush of blisteringly cold air from the sharp winds that coursed through the sky and all over her body, but this felt like an internal jolt associated with the feelings of anxiety and unnerving uncertainty.

Whatever he had just admitted to, she believed him.

“How could you have possibly meant it? What was it I said?” she asked, unsure of whether to hate herself for asking as she was seemingly giving in to the kind of conversation her captor was trying to have with her.

“The whole spiel you had about the world being as cracked as the people you meet, that touched me Dawn, it reminded me of my own shortcomings when I was trying for a career as a musician and singer early on in my youth. My voice, and even the people in my life at the time, were all cracked and distorted. Everything was held to an impossibly high standard. The worst examples of anthropomorphic kind judged me on my ability and rejected me. All I wanted was a chance to play in their pen”

“That’s exactly how we met, I wanted nothing more than to have someone play with me, to give me undivided attention and respect, even love” Dawn admitted.

“Look at the pair of us Dawn, we demand everyone lavish us with attention in order to stroke our egos. At the worst of times, we want to embrace love in its most selfish state, only thinking selflessly of others when we give in its highs or lows”

“Are you saying that, deep down, I wanted to stop the literal meltdown of the planet?”

“Deep down, you wanted to be the hero, you wanted the redemption story. That’s what Melted was Dawn, a tale of love finding a way to cleanse the light of the darkness that was enveloping it. You wanted me to be your glue to mend the crack in your world, and I in turn needed you to be the light, I needed you to help me to take charge of my voice, to command a worldwide stage and make us both the heroes of the story. We brought the light of Melted into a world that sorely needed it. Love held back the ocean, it turned the tide, and we stopped the flood”

Dawn absorbed what DM had said, and rattled back with something she needed to hear. She hated herself for asking in light of the strength in the marvellous mouse’s words, but she needed to hear this from his lips.

“When you were saying ‘I can’t, I can’t’ earlier, you weren’t suggesting you couldn’t bring yourself to sing, you were afraid to admit something about yourself to me, a side that could get you in trouble with your superiors. There was a hidden meaning to it, just as there was when I made my own intentions clear…when I demanded you play Bumpsydaisy. It wasn’t humiliation I wanted from you, I may have said that just to be cheeky, but it wasn’t what I wanted from you at all. It was the chance for you to reciprocate what I was already feeling”

Danger Mouse felt the unnerving cold shoot down his neck as the tension built, only for it to then steadily fade. He smiled.

Dawn understood.

“You’re right, you’re exactly right, I jumped at the part after I thought back to what Penfold had said about the character when he was telling me all about the musical. I feigned disinterest but it struck a chord with me, it got me thinking about how we first interacted, I couldn’t help myself, I even knew instinctively what your favourite game was on that day, it was hide and seek. That right there demonstrates synergy I haven’t had with almost anyone else”

Col. K’s hologram form suddenly formed before DM as he contacted the two.

“Ah congratulations DM, that performance was absolutely riveting. During your duet, Squawkencluck got so caught up in the moment she nearly jumped into my arms, completely forgetting I’m a hologram 50% of the time, she landed straight on her chest, the poor woman. What’s your E.T.A? We have a nice soft cell waiting for young Dawn that’ll serve her well, at least until her father bails her out with his vast wealth, resources and connections. See you when you get here”

DM smiled, though he was quite uneasy, and turned off the hologram. He wasn’t quite sure how to break it to the absent-minded Colonel that Dawn’s father had been exiled to deep space long ago. A good thing in this case.

“Is what you feel worse than a prison sentence?” Dawn asked.

“To some people it might very well be, but I believe what I feel is something that travels with me, not something that hinders me. It reminds me there is good to come in my twilight years when you’re all caught up and we can truly embrace what we have with confidence we won’t be judged”

“Why tell me now? I could very well say something”

“Dawn, you won’t tell. As you said, your intentions were clear. Right there, in your soul, and in your song, the understanding we share is tangible and real. These feelings will always stay with you regardless, and you won’t want to give that up”

“That’s probably why I’ll never watch the film again…it does nothing now but remind me of what we shared, and what we can never have for as long as age and our opposite experiences divide us”

“Youth is fleeting Dawn, it forever will be, if we can hold on to the hope time can heal those scars of yours, and provided our hearts aren’t pulled in other directions, then we can also hope to act on whatever impulses linger in the farthest future”

“Said with such conviction…but you’re right, we need to give each other time, when I grow up, when I allow myself to grow up, we’ll explore this further. I won’t tell, I’ll treasure our moment Mouse, but don’t think for a second it will go on to define where we stand as long as I’m still young. I’m still a spoiled, selfish little girl, and still every bit your worst nightmare”

“And I will be as determined to stop you for as long as you stay where you are…but know that, for that brief moment in time, when we shared the fate of the world in the palm of our hands, we were wiser, and you? You were older

Danger Mouse-Danger/Dawn: Everything I Need [Fanvid]

 

password: dangerdawn

DM is currently on hiatus, but there was room for this year’s Christmas special in the schedules this week, and it was a parody of “Frozen” called “Melted”. Pink Dawn, Penfold, Col. K and Squawk all love the movie (Squawk doesn’t even like films but enjoys Melted more for the experience) and DM doesn’t see the point of it. We later learn DM has a repressed childhood memory of being criticised for his singing.

Dawn decides to reenact the plot of the movie and assumes the role of Princess Zora, who has the power to melt things, she casts DM as the villain and begins melting the polar ice caps as part of her method acting. Only she can turn the device off, so DM has to appeal to her fanatical devotion to the film in order to save the day. He ultimately takes on the role of Zora’s manservant and crush Bumpseydaisy and manages to successfully pull off the big musical number at the end. Dawn is captured and realises the movie was more trouble than it’s worth and vows never to watch it again.

The Ship Teasing in this episode is off the chain, especially with DM and Dawn, which surprised me since there’s a lot of Jail Bait implications if it were more serious. Dawn ‘s spiel about her and DM being cracked gave DM empathy with her due to his own issues with singing and his whole world crashing down on him back then, he admits to understanding how she felt. Dawn is the one who suggests DM become Bumpseydaisy, her excuse is that it will be more humiliating for him, but one can’t help but wonder, given the info dump on this character Penfold was giving DM earlier in the episode with his “poseable action figures” (aka dolls), there was perhaps something more to it, and what it tells us about DM (again, probably nothing they can afford to delve into without attracting the Lolitta crowd)

There was some adult humour too, when Penfold tells Squawk not to touch his “honker” (in reality, a plush doll called Honker the Magic Walrus), Squawk is pretty cute throughout this episode, embracing more of a sentimental side to herself, her reaction to Penfold playing with his dolls is great, and DM’s singing even moves her to tears.

Next to the Halloween special and “A Fistful of Penfolds”, this is definitely my favourite of the lot we’ve gotten so far this season.

 

Danger Mouse-Squawk/Penfold: Higher Love [AMV]

If you’ve read any of my Danger Mouse fanfics on here or on FF.Net, you knew this was coming eventually…as soon as “A Fistful of Penfolds” aired I was on this.

password: penfold

There’s always something gratifying about your fanon theories being proven right…either the showrunners caught wind of my fics (something I’ve often suspected of certain other professionals in the industry) or someone’s very like-minded. Apparently there’s a mixture of different head writers on the current season of Danger Mouse (2015) so who knows what’s going on in their heads..I’m just glad this one idea finally popped into theirs.

So yeah, I got into a debate with a non-‘shipper over just how much of this told us about Squawk’s feelings for Penfold in the show…I mean, devoting a whole testing facility to a replacement sidekick for DM in Penfold’s image, using them as whipping boys…something about that smelt fishy to me (or smelt like a finely grilled hen), almost as if Squawk wanted to replace Penfold so she could have him all to herself.

And then of course, there’s the bit where she says “I could kiss you” to Penfold, with Penfold reciprocating and Squawk backing out at the last minute…if she only considered Penfold a friend, she would not have made the first move there and provoked him into that romantic gesture…and, hell, I guess this also means Penfold and Scarlet Johamster really did break up in their last episode together in the previous season.

So yeah, very happy camper, and hopefully it’s not the end of more direct Squawk/Penfold hints to come (“License to Care” showed Squawk throwing a party for her lab on the same day as Penfold’s birthday so obviously we ain’t done yet)

Danger Mouse-The Mouse Behind The Curtain (fanfic)

 

DANGER MOUSE:

THE MOUSE BEHIND THE CURTAIN

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

(Contains spoilers for “Dark Side of the Mouse”)


Well, apologies are in order aren’t they DM?

“I’m glad you agree narrator” said DM as he and Penfold made their way back to headquarters, having saved the world from the grip of the cretinous Crumhorn and a mind-controlling device that made even myself turn against the world’s greatest secret agent and ridicule him, but he managed to overcome all obstacles after leading a team consisting of members of his reviled rogues gallery, whom he’s left up on Crumhorn’s space station dueling with one another over who should take the credit for the heroic deeds Danger Mouse has pulled off.

“All single-handidly I might add” said DM.

“Single handidly?” Penfold asked, slightly baffled, “But Chief, you had help, from them, from me”

“Now now Penfold, let’s not leave things to technicalities, they helped in part, but I’m the main cog in this wheel, and it’s me that’s kept everything spinning”

“Sometimes Chief, just by knowing what you’re like, I get the strangest feeling that when the Danger Agency ganged up on you after Crumhorn took over, they weren’t brainwashed” Penfold noted.

The Mark III flew back into headquarters and DM and Penfold made their way to the lab to rendevouz with Squawkencluck.

“Professor?” asked DM as Squawk threw darts at imagery of Crumhorn on the survelance monitors.

“The nerve of that Crum bum” she said

“I think you’ll find his name is Crumhorn Professor” corrected Danger Mouse.

“He even wanted me to call him Crummy” Squawkencluck said in a fit of emotional release, taking the container of darts and tossing them to the floor.

Penfold walked over to her and gave us a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“Nevermind Professor”

“That’s precisely what I was Penfold, I was never in the right mind because of that device, and I turned against you and everything I worked hard to secure. To think the episode ended without any of us being recalled in the casting sheet to say sorry to you and Danger Mouse and to reward him for single handidly saving the Earth”

“You seem awfully complimentary Professor” said Danger Mouse.

“I just felt the sudden urge to” said Squawkencluck.

“Really now?” Penfold said, folding his arms and huffing.

Colonel K’s hologram lit up and he urged Danger Mouse to come to his office for a special reward. Penfold opted to stay with Squawkencluck.

“Go ahead Chief, the Professor’s in a real state, it’s best she lean on a friend’s shoulder”

Squawkencluck promptly accepted the invitation and buried her head atop the right shoulder, her frustrations over being emotionally compromised moisting the sleeves of his right arm. Penfold’s lip quivered and he too felt the urge to emote.

Danger Mouse, courageous and confident, steeled himself for his encounter with the Colnel.

“I have to admit, you really are being quite courteous to me today”

“Well you single handily saved the day Danger Mouse”

“I know, I feel like I ought to thank people for making that all possible, my enemies, my assistant, my writers, the CBBC staff who introduce my show every week..but I feel the sudden urge to bypass all of that. Anyway, time to get what’s coming to me”

He entered the Colnel’s office, the door slammed shut behind him, and greeting him was every Danger Agent armed to the gritted teeth with clubs and mallets.

“Colnel, are you still under Crumhorn’s mind control?” asked an alert DM.

“I think you’ll find this entire office is now immune to brainwave tampering DM…but it’s not so safe for you” the Colonel assured him.

A monitor in the office came to life and the Professor and Penfold, seated comfortably in their seats munching down on a bag of popcorn, greeted him.

“I’ve been tracking the readings of the mind altering device since it went offline, small vestiges of it are still active, and they’re responding to commands from you” Squawkencluck revealed.

“You used the psychic bran scrambler to get everyone to lavish praise on you. For some reason, I wasn’t affected, but the narrator and Squawk were…luckily, Squawk realized what was going on and alerted the Colonel just before you arrived” said Penfold.

“All this time we thought you were the great and powerful…we never took into consideration that we were puppets on a string, made to the dance to the merry tune of the mouse behind the curtain” said the Colonel.

“You’ll get your thanks for saving the world in due course Danger Mouse, but we do need to teach you that fine lesson, that you must leave your ego at the door” said Danger Moth with a hint of dread and empathy in her voice.

“But, but I did’nt do anything, I felt the urge as much as you did to take all the credit for myself…I had nothing to do with it”

“Then who did?” asked Danger Moth.

“Someone who clearly wants my fame to be my misfortune…and there’s only one person I can think of who’s obsesed with fame. Duckula”

DM led the Danger Agents out of Mayfare and, pitchforks and rotten tomatoes in hand (the critics of Rotten Tomatoes, not actual rotten tomatoes), they stormed Castle Duckula in Transylevania.

Witnessing the Danger Agency arriving at his doorstep, Count Duckula severed the connection he had with the mind control device, swung his throne around and leapt out of it, heading to a secret passage. He instructed someone in a scarlet coat to see their way out.

“Go, your neck’s on the line here, and not from a dose of my feindish fangs, if they catch you here, your reputation’s sunk like the Titanic…sorry I could’nt give DM the razzie he deserved for embarrasing you”

The cloaked figure held the Count’s hand and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek, before vanishing through the door and down the long corridor.

As the Danger Agents crashed through the door with a battering ram, the cloacked figure made it outside just as a raging commotion commenced in the castle. The figure pulled the hood back, revealing the sollem features of Jeoparday Mouse, watching the castle eagerly ..before common sense dictated that she get a move on.

All she wanted was to gain revenge on Danger Mouse for editing her portion of reality in a previous episode, framing her for embarrassing her superior officer. Duckula already had an existing soft spot for her, she felt he would make the appropriate ally.

She walked from the scene with many thoughts playing through her head, how she had refused to keep her own ego in check in an attempt to make DM’s occasional ego trips his undoing, how she sided with a known felon because he would rather place his life in hers.

She knew she had made many compromises, played with many lives, and she resolved that in future missions she would never make such mistakes again, least it poisoned her soul.

She vowed there would be no further lives put at risk of ruin within her own.

So we end this session of Danger Mouse back in the lab, with the Professor and Penfold watching the scuffle in the castle, taking handfuls of popcorn out of the bag, settling in and admiring the spectacle of a comfort fight with comfort foods.

Can I have one?

“No narrator” said Squawk

But I suddenly have an urge to eat

“Oh for heaven’s sake, has that device not been switched off yet?” said an annoyed Squawkencluck.

Curse you Jeopardy.

“Why are you cursing her? She wasn’t even in this episode” said Penfold.

Oh if only you knew the mouse behind the curtain Penfold.

Danger Mouse-I’m Sad I Crashed The Wedding (fanfic)

DANGER MOUSE:

I’M SAD I CRASHED THE WEDDING

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Well, this a fine mess you’ve gotten us into DM.

“Can you get a clear signal back Narrator?”

It’s going to take a lot of juice in the unit, but I think we can manage an episode this week…no thanks to you.

“Relax Narrator, all I did was abort one time line. The anomalies from every aspect of the aborted dimension will ultimately merge as one to cope with the existing paradox”?”

If realiy can manage that before our scheduled transmission this evening DM, it would be appreciated DM.

“Right, well Penfold, any ideas on how to speed up the process ?”

“I’ve had time to think a bit cheif…I’ve got so many questions” said Penfold.

“That’s all well and good Penfold, but we need answers”

“But these are important to our futures, that is, if we still have any”

“Oh I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time” DM assured him

“And what time do you call this?” Penfold said in a huff.

“The end times?” DM replied.

“Exactly. It’s the end. Nothing but static and a white void…and all because you had to open your big mouth and inform reality what a muddle we’d gotten the timeline mixed up in..we live in a very sensetive universe Cheif. I hope you know that, you never know what kind of mood it’ll be in. I’m certain even it was enjoying Derick and Pennyfold’s wedding”

“Is that what your questions Penfold, some curiosity over whether or not the universe has some existential emotional compromise?”

“We watch soap operas for a reason, we’re invested in stories for a reason…it just makes sense for the universe, our motherly spirit, to be just as invested in how we move along” Penfold argued.

“So why would the universe even give me the freedom to express a bit of logic that would undo it’s investment?” a confused DM asked.

“Maybe it wanted to test your character…to see if you could keep that ego and insistence on having a correct hunch in check long enough for someone to live happily ever after”

“Surely that would be the universe giving itself permission to live a perfect lie then…I can’t see how the truth should hurt it so much” DM continued.

“Think of it like a computer with a virus, only the virus is the question, the same one that causes so many of us to go, on a bad day, ‘what’s the point?’, and constantly dwelling on that question leads to no easy answer…so we crash…and in this case, we’re lucky it didn’t result in the heat death of the universe” Penfold replied.

“Well, now I feel deflated…I guess the universe probably wants me to write it a frank and formal letter of apology before it resets”

“Will you even remember giving it the letter Cheif?” Penfold asked.

“I suppose a small part of me would…but that would probably only linger for a short time. Our will, though strong, can’t defy time”

Penfold felt a tingling sensation.

“I think reality’s starting to reallign, I can see everything forming around us”

“Well then, any further questions?” DM asked.

“Just one more, if Derick’s wedding did’nt happen now, will he and Pennyfold ever meet? Will they even be born?” Penfold asked.

“That’s a whole world and time apart from us Penfold, the important thing is, we just have to hope the universe is willing to give the grand soap opera called life another chance to thrive…nothing’s worse than a rerun”

Reassured, the pair allowed reality to realign, just in time for another mind-bending adventure on the edge of existence with Danger Mouse!

 

Danger Mouse-Repeat Offenders (fanfic)

 

DANGER MOUSE:

REPEAT OFFENDERS

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


Duckula sat in his cell wondering if any of the prison officers would bother fetching him his clothes to wear. He’d been in nothing but his pajamas for hours.

The door to his cell opened and, it appeared, salvation had come at last, as his cape was thrown at ludicrous speed towads him, smacking him in the face and settling on his beak.

Still heavily tied up, Duckula could’nt reach up to his features and pull the cape off, he was forced to let whoever was coming into the cell commence with the deed.

Soon, that too came to pass and the cape was removed from the tip of his beak by his visitor…and what a sight it was to see.

Jeoparday Mouse.

“You look dangerous gorgeous” said Duckula as he beamed at the sight of her.

“All I want is answers to a question or two Duck, just routine…although routine is not how I’d describe the last few hours I’ve had”

“I’m all ears…well, and fangs” said Duckula.

“One minute, I’m being awarded the medal for best Danger Agent in the whoe world, the next I’m smacking my superioer officer on the bottom with a tennis racket. I don’t even remember how it got there. All I know is the incident embarrased me and I wound up detained for hours, I almost lost my posistion until word came back from the reports filed by Danger Mouse’s plump pal that I’d endured some last minute rewrite of reality”

“So your thoughts, as always, turned to me did they?” said Duckula.

“I know you’re rewritten scripts on this show before Duck, so I want to know exactly what you were up to at Big Ben, and who put you up to tampering with my matters in the morning?” Jeopardy asked.

“Now, now Jeoparday, I would’nt have dreamed of messing with your moment. That was all Danger Mouse’s idea. According to Penfold, I was getting ready to mess with reality using my new temporal editing software, and I had framed him for a string of felonies which brought you out into the field to arrest him. You and the Danger Agency beat him fairly soundly and led him away to jail, making you the hero”

“You edited reality just to make me look good?” said Jeoparday, trying to disguise how flattered she actually was.

“Not just you, but also open up a slot for me to take DM’s place as Danger Duck, the world’s most star-struck secret agent. Just imagine what you and I could have acheived together with Danger Mouse out of the picture and you and I crossing over each and every week…why I’d even have understood your need for company at Thanksgiving earlier in the week”

“Yeah, well if Danger Mouse was meddling with me this morning, I know just who I won’t be inviting over in the future. Some friend he turned out to be. He’s proven to be a timely jerk”

“Well, the biggest thing you bruised other than his body was his ego…sometimes that’s hard to shake” said Duckula.

“So, I really whipped Danger Mouse into shape did I?” said Jeoparday.

“Is that a routine question, or one that’s seeking a complimentary answer?” said Duckula.

“I could do with some soothing after my ego’s own bruising” said Jeoparday.

“Well if anything, take comfort in the fact that there’s a version of reality on the cutting room floor which proves how vastly suprior you are to Danger Mouse when you’re forced to step up and kick tail”

“It’s funny, but I don’t think DM even has a tail” said Jeoparday, making sure to attach Duckula’s cape to his back as a way of thanking him for supplying the information.

“Any chance you could get the rest of my clothes sent to me?” he asked.

“I’ll arrange it” Jeopardy promised.

“It’s a real pity Penfold had to ruin what fun I could have had with that device” lamented Duckula . Imagine if I could edit the entire CBBC morning schedule? Maybe I could even place your big defining moment that DM deleted on their upcoming weekend show and place it on loop”

“I think we’ve had enough repeat offenders for one day” joked Jeopardy, blowing a kiss to Duckula and waltzing out of the room.

Danger Mouse-Easy Listening (fanfic)

 

DANGER MOUSE:

EASY LISTENING

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


Penfold marched back into Mayfair H.Q well and truly burnt from the whole dating experience, and flying too close to a setting sun.

Oh wait, that was Danger Mouse’s fault.

He put his feet up on the couch just as Professor Squawkwencluck followed him into the lounge area.

“Come on, tell me how it went” she said, offering Penfold a parcel.

Penfold opened it, and beamed at the contents

“It’s make-up Ice Cream” she explained, “I was going to share these with Danger Mouse after we had our falling out over how best to give you advice on dating, but since you’re the one who got the girl I figured you were more in need of celebrating with it”

“Thanks Professor, but I don’t think me and Scarlett are going to work out” Penfold replied.

“She seems to flip flop on things…she says she does’nt want me to be defined by heroics, yet then she got addicted to the dangers me and the Cheif got up to when confronting my evil twin. She boasted about saving the universe, no humble pie in the pit of her stomach at all…and then insisted we set about doing more heroics”

“An action starlet is always going to want a piece of the action” Squawkencluck replied, “The important thing you can do is ground her expectations a little, if not a lot..by engaging in little home comforts. Take some of this ice cream to her and she’ll cream at the sight of it”

“That’s a bit lude for kids telly Professor” said Penfold.

“At least you’re listening to me this time” the Professor said.

Danger Mouse-They Love To Watch Him Strut (Fanfic)

 

DANGER MOUSE:

THEY LOVE TO WATCH HIM STRUT

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


Ah, the lure of Hollywood. The glitz, the glammor, the cameras, the temptation to look into the lens and give every tabloid on the market a worthwhile money shot. If only life were like this every day.

Well, for one lucky hamster, it is.

Penfold waltzed into his Mayfare H.Q with a spring in his step, wearing glasses with razor sharp lens and a swanky three-piece suit complete with emerald green loafers. He looked the part and certaingly wanted to act like it, only he wanted to keep a humble attitude about himself, not wanting to appear too brash.

Still, every member of the Danger Agency could’nt resist walking up to him and shaking his hand, demanding a picture, asking him questions about his relationship with hollywood starlett Scarlet Johamster, who he’d met on the set of ”Rise of Loocifer”, which had gone through a very literaly kind of development hell in recent days having been revealed as a trap sprung by the genuine Professor Loocifer.

Penfold met each greeting with a sense of apprehension, but tried to keep his wits about him, making the occasional crude dig at the movie’s production and what had interested Scarlet in him. He was sure some of the Danger Agents that were probing him with questions were probably journalists in disguise.

Still, he could’nt let the press or the adoring private servants of the public get to him

And then Colonel K approached him.

“Ah, Penflack, good to see you” he said, still clutching his photo of Scarlett.

“Oh hi Colonel, I thought you said you’d be more precise with my name now that I’m dating an important hollywood figure” Penfold replied.

“I’m not exactly carrying a torch for you two, I’ve seen The Bodyguard, these type of relationships are doomed from the outset”

“So why do you have such a crush on her then?!” Penfold asked.

The Colonel gazed upon Scarlett’s photo and sighed deeply.

“She just reminds me of what my job will never permit me to grasp. If you want to hold on to something that special, you may have to give up something special to you”

The Colonel took his leave and slowly sulked as he went down the long foreboding corridor to his office.

“Think about it” he said.

Penfold went on his way.

“Morning Professor” he said as he marched into the crime lab.

Squawkencluck’s keen sense of smell picked up something rare in Penfold’s appearance.

“Is that what I think it is?” she asked, aroused by the aroma.

“Missing Lynx…just for hamsters”

Danger Mouse entered the lab in pursuit of him.

“Penfold, I really don’t think you should come to work showing off like that”

“Scarlet gave me this outfit for our date in four days” Penfold replied

“And you’re going to bring it with you on missions?” DM asked

“Danger Mouse has a point Penfold, Scarlet wants you looking your best, that’s hardly possible when you’re going in to face the worst of this weary world” added the Professor.

Penfold sighed.

“I guess you’re right Professor, regardless of where I stand with Scarlett, I still want to muck in with the Cheif and everyone else”

DM and Squawkencluck nodded approvingly .

“Should I get changed then?” Penfold asked.

“No, there’s not a lot of criminal activity today, besides your apperance has livened up a particulary dull day” assured Squawkencluck.

“Tell me about it, this place sure does love to watch me strut” Penfold asked.

Squawkencluck grabbed one of his cheeks and pinched it.

“I think we’re all kind of proud of who you’ve managed to draw the attention of. So many of us rarely have time for love, or to learn from it”

“Here’s hoping this pairing doesn’t go down the toilet” said Danger Mouse

Danger Mouse-He’s A Vamp, But I Love Him [Fanfiction]

 

DANGER MOUSE:

HE’S A VAMP, BUT I LOVE HIM

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Disclaimer: Danger Mouse (2015) and all trademarked characters are property of Freemantle Media and CBBC

It’s a peaceful day in a bustling London park.

A lazy Friday.

Good Friday.

That’s right, it’s Easter.

Two days to go before the kids tuck into the creamiest chocolaty eggs you can purchase off the high-street.

Two days before Kinder Surprise nets a tidy million in profits.

But before that, there is joy to be had, for the kids are off school, and are quick to embrace their fortnight of freedom.

What could ruin their good mood?

How about balloons?

Yes. You heard right.

Balloons.

Descending upon the park in their thousands, all pouring out of a giant airship with giant bat-like wings attached to each side and a large beak perched at the front.

This vessel can belong to only one creature, the most sinister showman in all of Transylvania, and a threat to the known world, Count Duckula!

“Now that was quite an introduction” said Duckula at the controls of his airship, “I’m glad I wrote it for you Mr. Narrator, and I’m just as grateful you had a chance to read it”

Ok, ok, now will you please cut my family loose?

“Certainly” said Duckula, turning to a trio of terrified human beings tied up in the far left of the airship. He pulled a switch which opened up a hole in the floor which the family fell through.

Yikes! My family is in deadly danger, and here I am depicting every detail of it!

This wasn’t in my contract…no personal stakes, I specifically put that in there, along with a minor raise and a trip to Vienna during mid-series breaks in between the holidays.

Somebody help them!

Fortunately, this narrator’s prayers were swiftly answered as the family came back up through the hole being held in the arms of a trinity of very special secret agents. This world’s finest. Danger Mouse, Jeopardy Mouse, and Penfold, all wearing rocket packs.

“Good thing the plot required us to hang about the back end of your airship Duckula” said DM.

“What is with the balloons Duck? Talk while you still have your beak attached” said Jeopardy

“The balloons contain a special form of gas that, when it comes into contact with the atmosphere, will permanently alter the vocal chords of everyone within proximity, and the first thing they hear afterwards will be what the chords will adapt to, and do you know who they’ll hear?” Duckula boasted, before throwing another switch.

“Mine”

A large series of loud speakers attached to the bottom of the airship were soon charged and ready to emit whatever sound was due to come through.

The top of the airship suddenly opened and an immense gloved hand containing an equally large drawing pin, it lowered gently down and menacingly hovered over the descending balloons.

“Think of it, a whole world speaking my kind of language, I’ll forever be the talk of the town” boasted Duckula.

“Not if we render you mute” said DM, and sped towards Duckula in his rocket pack.

Duckula transformed into a bat and glided across the ship, proving difficult to catch. He turned around and gave DM a taunting rasp, before glancing in horror as Jeopardy and Penfold encircled him in their own rocket packs.

“Penfold, grab him” said Jeopardy.

Penfold went in to grab Duckula by the throat, but the count quickly dug his fangs into Penfold’s fingers. Penfold squealed.

“Cor, ‘Chief, that really hurt” Penfold said, as Duckula ultimately flew down the hole and out of the airship.

“It was just a love bite Penfold” DM said.

“Yeah, well fat chance of us going out on a date, I don’t like the type that bite” said Penfold.

“At least he didn’t burst any balloons” said Jeopardy

“Now all we have to do is gather them up and take them back to headquarters and get them processed at the labs” said DM, “Let’s just hope Squawk doesn’t take it as a sign we’re trying to make up for that birthday party we kept ruining”

Back at headquarters, Professor Squawkencluck took a hammer and beat it down hard on the cotton socks in front of her, fierceness in her eyes. She folded up the socks, curled them into a ball, and griped them tightly.

Seemingly satisfied with what she could feel in her hand, she threw it into a pile of other compressed socks in the back of her lab.

DM, Penfold, and Jeopardy walked in, carrying a cart full of Count Duckula’s balloons. Penfold noticed the rather immense sock collection.

“What’s with all the woolly warmers Professor?” he asked.

“I’m going to attend a convention in the alps in a couple of days, the weather up there is said to be quite brutal this year so I’m enhancing all of my thermal wear with a special alloy that will keep me in pristine temperature even under the coldest conditions” she explained.

“Ah, always nice to present yourself as all warm and fuzzy, suits your personality” noted a sarcastic Danger Mouse.

“Just what is this business with the balloons Danger Mouse?” asked Squawkencluck, trying to change the subject before she snapped again at DM’s teasing.

“They carry a gas that makes you a personal member of a club reserved only for Huey, Dewey, and Loewy” said Jeopardy.

Squawkencluck examined one of the balloons with a keen and sharp eye, “Hmm, yes, yes, I can see the gas somewhat swirling around there, I’ll test it out on a couple of lab rats”

“But we’re the only two rodents in here” said DM, noting himself and Jeopardy.

Squawkencluck folded her arms and raised an eyebrow.

DM and Jeopardy quickly dashed out of the room, leaving her with Penfold.

“I heard you had a little brush with the count” Squawk noted.

“Please, If I ever had children with him, it’d certainly wouldn’t resemble a brush, probably more a stick of broccoli” Penfold replied in jest, before feeling a sharp pain in his right fingers.

“Penfold, are you sure you don’t want to have that checked out?” Squawkencluck asked, worried about Penfold’s condition.

“DM told me it was just a love bite” said Penfold.

“I’d be a bit worried if I were you, this is what the Goosewing institute for vampire research call ‘green fingers’, a process used by rare vampire ducks to convert their victims”

“Well it’s sure made me want to take a bite out of something…like a carrot, or some cucumber…”

“Cravings for vegetarian food? Oh that settles it, you’re not to budge from this lab until I get back” Sqauwkencluck said, “Stay right there while I get you a veggie burger”

Jeopardy and DM made their way over to the canteen, where Danger Moth was waiting.

“I’ll get us something to snack on, you two can talk shop” DM suggested, and headed over to grab a plate and begin making selections. His eyes were trained on a large stack of sandwiches in the far left, dripping with mustard, cheese and relish.

Trouble is, they were all wedged under white bread, and DM knew what scoffing down too much of them could do to your weight. In addition to that, they could block up your bladder.

So his next instinctive act was to check for any brown loafs instead. If anything else, they allowed evacuations to occur much more quickly, which could only be good for his long-term health.

Jeopardy and Danger Moth sat down at the centre table. A copy of the Metro newspaper had been left behind by the previous occupants; Danger Moth took to reading it.

“You’re aware that’s yesterday’s paper right?” said Jeopardy, pointing at the date at the top of the paper.

“Oh I’m not interested in the headlines for yesterday, today, or tomorrow, I’m checking to see if the crossword’s been filled in, or if the funnies are still intact” Danger Moth replied.

“Like to tackle a bit of a puzzle in the mornings then?” asked Jeopardy.

“This is the afternoon” said Danger Moth.

“Forgive me, I’m American, it’s the break of dawn where I come from at this time” Jeopardy said, checking her watch.

“Any news on that Ruby Diamond you’ve been tracking over here?” asked Danger Moth.

“Do you need to remind me of that?” Jeopardy replied, slightly irked.

“My apologies, DM had told me you didn’t take kindly to being lied to on that mission” said Danger Moth.

“Deceiving me in public is one thing, but did he have to do it in a dream sequence?” Jeopardy persisted.

“It’s his way” she said.

His way?” Jeopardy asked, a bit bamboozled, “His way is constantly thinking of ways to make himself look surer than he actually is. He wants to prove something all of the time to me. I should be flattered, but I’m always left feeling frustrated” she continued.

“Feeling frustrated is still a feeling” said Danger Moth.

“You trying to say something about how I truly feel about that manipulative mouse?” said Jeopardy.

“Certainly not, but he is my friend, I have the right to look out for him when someone shoots him ac cross pair of eyes” replied Danger Moth.

“Is that just a thought, or a feeling all of its own?” asked a suspicious Jeopardy.

Before Danger Moth could reply, Danger Mouse arrived with a couple of brown loafs, chips, and rice.

“Anyone for a chip butty?” he asked.

Squawkencluck re-entered the lab, veggie burger in hand, which was now immersed in darkness.

She demanded some sort of chill run down her spine, but it never occurred.

She wondered why that was.

Perhaps because she didn’t fear what was coming next, maybe it was because she never truly feared the dark.

Maybe she was far too trusting of it.

The lights suddenly flickered on and off, she tried to focus on anything that dared to move besides her.

“P-Penfold?” she said, “Ar-are you there?”

“I’m everywhere” echoed back a voice.

“Are you now?” asked Squawk, “Then would you mind being in the proximity of the light switch? I’m blind as a bat in here”

“Funny you should mention that” said Penfold, as the lights flickered on again, revealing that he was in front of Squawk, looking distinctly dour, the eyes behind his glasses were hazy and blood-red. He was also wearing what looked like a torn bin-bag over his neck.

“Aren’t you a little old for dress-up Penfold?” Squawk said, trying to humour him in light of knowing exactly what was occurring to him.

“I feel older now than my ancestors ever were” said Penfold

“Feel. Not are” Squawk replied, detecting the slick emergence of the Transylvanian accent in his voice.

“Ah, but what are we if we cannot feel? It’s so clear to me now, how much of a lost puppy I was. Me, a hamster…and all I do is curl up to the chief like I were a complacent puppy. I should be more a dog of war, not a dove of peace”

“I like puppies” Squawk replied, humouring him.

“Yes, but you’re also quite content to shoot the dog down sometimes, not pet it” said Penfold, slowly approaching her, extending his right hand, slightly swollen with shades of leafy green across the digits of his fingers.

“What do you want me to do with that?” said Squawk.

“Honour me as a gentleman” said Penfold.

Squawk tried to back out of the lab through the door, only for the lights to flicker again. When she turned to exit, she found herself sealed inside.

Alone with the monster before her.

“Honour me” he said, his mouth now wide open, revealing two sharp fangs.

Squawk screamed, the veggie burger dropped to the floor.

Dishonourable deeds soon commenced.

As the alarm bells rang all over H.Q, Danger Mouse, Jeopardy and Danger Moth sprinted through the bustling corridors amongst the teeming masses of panicking agents and maintenance workers scattering in all directions.

DM pressed a button attached to his right wrist, the hologram of Col. K immediately flared into life

“Status Colonel?” DM asked, “We’ve been running down these corridors ever since lunch, the least you could do is actually point us to a specific room”

“Sorry DM, it’s been a bit of a bad show for us so far” admitted the colonel, “Anyway, it’s been hard to keep track of activity from Professor Squawkencluck’s lab, and most of the people covering the security feeds are too scared to talk about what they witnessed”

“Why is everyone else panicking then if there’s nothing you can get out of the surveillance crew?” said DM.

“Oh, that’s completely unrelated…we’re having a clearance sale” said the Colonel, “People are scrambling either to collect their cards or hide their valuables before security appropriate them for the necessary bidding”

“Is this seriously how you pay for your budget?” asked a nosy Jeopardy.

“We’re on our way to Squawk’s lab Colonel, and whatever you do; please don’t commandeer my precious smoking jacket variant chess pieces”

The trio arrived at the lab, and found that the doors had been forced open and split in half.

They stepped into the inky black room, tip-toeing ever so slightly, only their bright eyes were visible in this black void.

“Professor? Professor?” DM asked.

“We’ve got to find the light switch” said Jeopardy.

“Oh no, don’t even mention that around me” said Danger Moth.

“We can’t see a thing” insisted Jeopardy.

“Yes, but if you so much as flip that switch on, I’ll be mucking about more with that that minding the mission” replied Danger Moth.

“DM’s right” said DM.

“Thanks DM” said…erm…DM.

Oh great, you’ve got me doing that again, how can I tell Mouse and Moth apart when you use the same initials?

“Sorry Narrator” apologized Danger Mouse,

Apology accepted.

The hologram of Col. K swiftly provided some light on this delicate subject. Literally.

“DM, we’ve finally managed to conjure some courage out of our surveillance unit, this is what they found”

The Mice and Moth looked on horror at what they glimpsed, their friend Penfold taking a nibble at Sqauwkencluck’s fingers, Squawkencluck fainting, Penfold prying the doors open, and then swiftly carrying Squawk out of the lab, before suddenly transforming into a fogey sort of mist that seeped through the walls of the Mayfare h.q.

“Penfold…is…a critter of the night” Danger Mouse said in his best William Shatner impersonation.

“Horrifying” said Danger Moth.

“He must have been turned by Duckula” noted Jeopardy, “Is there any way we can revert him back to normal? And where could he be going?”

“Shouldn’t be too hard to track him, I put a tracer in one of his fillings from that time I dragged him to the dentist in case he ever lost it, I could easily trace it and drag him to the dentist all over again to put it back in” replied Danger Mouse, taking a small tracking device out of his right pocket.

The device began to make an audible beeping sound.

“Ah, it still works a treat, come on, this ought to lead you right to him”

“What do you mean just us?” said a suspicious Jeopardy.

“I’m afraid I have to take my leave of you fine ladies” said DM, as he reached back into his pocket and produced one of the Professor’s latest inventions, a back-episode teleport bracelet, and attached it to his wrist.

“Where could you be going at this crucial minute?” said Jeopardy.

“There’s only one person that knows how to turn Penfold back from villainous vampire to harmless hamster, and that’s the blighter who bit him” said Danger Mouse.

“You’re going to ask for Duckula’s help?” Danger Moth asked in alarm.

“I’m afraid I have no choice” said Danger Mouse.

“Neither do I then” said Jeopardy, and laid out the Mouse with a swift right hook from a clenched and furious fist.

She swiftly descended upon the limp body and pried the teleport bracelet from his wrist, attaching it to her own.

“Are you sure that was necessary?” asked Danger Moth as she knelt over DM’s body and subjected him to some smelling salts to help bring him back around.

“Danger Dimwit never thinks these sort of things through” noted Jeopardy, “The Count’s plans being thwarted earlier will still be fresh in his mind, he won’t think twice about subjecting Danger Mouse to repercussions”

“What advantage do you think you’ll have then?” Danger Moth asked.

“With DM he’ll fancy a bite, it’s with me he’ll just fancy” Jeopardy replied, giving Danger Moth a wink and activating the teleporter.

And so we join Jeopardy as she rolls back several episodes back to Transylvania, where the Count is in the midst of administrating some of his own hot air to a fresh supply of balloons.

Say, why you so insistent on repeating a past crime Count?

“Because, you narrative nimrod, the writers have stuck me with a recycled script, they’re far too lazy to cobble together a fresh scheme for me to concoct. All they care about on their weekends off are complacent little asides for transmitted episodes”

So? Just rebel and doctor the script like you did before.

“I can’t, I need a security pass” The Count said, holding up the script and instructing you, the reader, to imagine a long hard stare at the fine print at the bottom.

I have to say IMAGINE because this story is read only and does not have the benefit of imagery.

“I can help you with that” said a confident Jeopardy as she materialized before the count, startling him, but also leaving him lovelorn and star struck in awe of her splendour.

“Jeopardy, to what do I owe this privilege?”

“I’m here to clean up your mess” Jeopardy revealed.

Duckula let out a sigh of relief.

“About time, the sanitation workers want me to pay for all the bags they bring to store what I’ve got littered around the place” Duckula said, pointing to a mountain of grime and debris.

Jeopardy grabbed his beak and snapped it shut, looking into his eyes with a stealthy glare from her own.

“No, I meant the mess you left poor Penfold in. He’s turned into a vampire and is converting the whole base into a castle”

“What do I get out of it?”

“The only reason you can’t doctor a script is because I made sure to secure them all with a pass code that only I have knowledge of. Help us undo whatever you did to Penfold and you can alter the script to make me say anything you like”

“Anything?” said Duckula.

“Anything”

The Count pondered the possibilities, and gave his answer with a tender pressing of lips to the back of Jeopardy’s right hand.

“I’ll write you a cheque coming in” he joked.

Jeopardy withdrew her hand and rubbed it across her right hand side in disgust.

“Just promise me you won’t make me say something you’ll regret” she said.

“You have my word as a gentle-duck” said Duckula.

Back at H.Q, Moth and Mouse were trying to enter the Colonel’s office.

“It’s no use” Danger Mouse said as he strained to turn the knob, “This door is weighed down in fourteen carrots”

“I didn’t know the colonel’s accommodations were so expensive” Danger Moth replied.

“No I mean Penfold’s wedged fourteen carrots together around the door knob, making it tough to open” Danger Mouse said, correcting her.

The two agents began to notice that the corridors were slowly transforming, becoming much wider, and several portraits of Penfold and Sqauwkencluck, arm in arm, dressed from head to toe in Edwardian era garb standing over mountains of undressed potatoes and both holding muskets loaded with cabbages, lined the walls.

Danger Mouse inspected one of the plaques on the portraits.

“What does it say?” Danger Moth asked.

“This way up” said Danger Mouse, pointing to the sentence and an arrow pointing him in such a direction.

Danger Mouse looked upwards to find the top end of the musk bleed like a three dimensional object out of the canvas. The fearless mouse pressed the edge of the musk in slightly with the tip of his finger.

The door to the Colonel’s office slid to the left and left in its wake a long black passageway. With every step Mouse and Mouth took down it, the steps lit up.

Danger Moth was easily distracted by the bright lights, and hovered joyously over several of the steps, forcing Danger Mouse to grab her by the collar and hold on to her tightly to prevent her from being preoccupied.

Finally, they reached another thin door, Danger Mouse kicked it down and the two fell down a warp hole into a vast chamber alight with all manners of flickering blue, crimson and emerald flames.

At the centre of the room was a small mountain, atop which sat a throne, and perched on that throne was Penfold.

To his right was a bird cage containing Squawkencluck, who had been converted to a vampire, and who was letting out a few high notes and soothing Penfold to sleep.

“He’s asleep, let’s make sure whatever he’s hearing now is exit music” Danger Mouse said, and made a dash towards the mountain throne.

Suddenly, bleeding out from the walls came shadow goblins, each with Penfold’s glasses attached to their faces, a pair of scythes slowly slid out of the thick black coating that formed their hands, they charged without hesitation at Danger Mouse, who stood poised to engage in combat.

Danger Moth took the decision out of his hands, flying overhead, she honed in on him and plucked Danger Mouse up before the shadow goblins could gut him with the scythes.

Penfold, without opening his eyes, snapped his fingers. The bird cage’s doors flew open and the vampire Squawkencluck sprang out, transforming into a bat-like creature and chasing over Danger Moth, digging into the back of her with ferocious pecks from a sharp beak.

Danger Moth was weakened by the continuous pecking and her hold on Danger Mouse slipped and he crash landed at the tip of Penfold’s mountaintop throne, and as he stirred, he found himself face to face with the heinous hamster, now fully awake.

“Cor Chief, you look pale, oh wait, that’s because you’re traditionally white, we’re going to have to put some fresh ketchup in your veins to bring all that colour back to you” Penfold said, cackling.

“Penfold, you’re not yourself, let us help you” Danger Mouse pleaded.

“Will you honour me first Chief?” Penfold said, lunging at his former friend with his sharply tipped green fingers, eager to convert the mouse.

As he did so, Count Duckula and Jeopardy swiftly materialised before him, Jeopardy gave Penfold a ferocious roundhouse kick that sent him reeling, while Duckula transformed into a winged matador, flying up to Squawkencluck, and tempting her bull-headedness with a red blanket.

She ceased her attack on Danger Moth and flew towards the blanket, Duckula swiftly stood aside and Squawkencluck crashed into the side of a wall.

Duckula and Danger Moth joined Danger Mouse and Jeopardy on the mountaintop throne, ready to close in on Penfold, but he had another trick up his sleeve.

Indeed, he produced from his sleeve a sharply tipped piece of steak and threw it like a javelin at Jeopardy.

Duckula threw himself in the line of fire and opened his beak, the steak went through his mouth and lodged in his throat.

“Oh no” cried Jeopardy as Duckula leaned backwards into her arms, weakened greatly and choking.

“There’s one delicacy Vegetarian Vampires fear, and that’s a nice warm meal” said Penfold.

Jeopardy’s memory raced back to earlier in the day, a flash of inspiration came to her.

“Do you have anything left over from the time we spent in the cafeteria?” Jeopardy asked Danger Mouse.

“Just the usual burger I take with me on the way out” he said, producing the burger from his pockets.

“Excellent, your greedy stomach may have saved us all” Jeopardy replied.

“Ready yourself for the end Chief, for tonight we might dine on tomato soup” Penfold replied.

“Doesn’t really have a blood-curdling tone to it does it old chum?” Danger Mouse replied, etching closer and closer to Penfold as he was lulled into a false sense of security through the small chatter.

“Can’t say it does Chief, we’re all so limited by our choice of diet” said Penfold.

“Maybe you need to see an expert on these kind of matters, here, I’ve arranged a meat and greet for you” said Danger Mouse, thrusting the burger into Penfold’s mouth and forcing Penfold to bite down.

Swiftly, Penfold transformed back into his humble hamster self, and the changes made to the Mayfare Mailbox were undone.

Colonel K’s hologram lit up.

“Ah congratulations DM, it’s a good thing I locked myself out of the base earlier, heavens knows what kind of show tunes young Pip-squawk in there would have had me chirping”

“That’s Penfold sir” corrected a perplexed Penfold.

He then turned his attention to Squawkencluck, dusting herself off.

“P-Professor? You’re not mad at are you?” a humble and apologetic Penfold asked of his victim as she observed herself in the mirror inspecting her fangs.

“I know it wasn’t entirely your fault Penfold, but I am going to have to see a shrink” she said.

“Oh no, I’ve mentally scarred her” said Penfold, reduced to a fountain of tears.

Squawkencluck patted him on the head as she reassured him that was not the case.

“No, no, that was short for one of my patented minimising rays, just to bring these large fangs you gave me down to a more manageable level” she said.

“Oh, could you give mine a once-over too?” Penfold asked.

“No, I think you’ll just have to get yours pried out by the dentist, you’ve got to pay some sort of price” Squawkencluck replied.

Penfold laughed, assuming she didn’t mean this.

“I wasn’t joking” Squawkencluck asserted.

Penfold fell silent and hung his head in solemn frustration. Squawk smiled and gave him a hug.

Danger Mouse walked over to Jeopardy as she cradled Duckula’s barely conscious body. She was performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on him.

She eventually succeeded in dislodging the piece of steak trapped in his throat, she reached down into it and pulled it out.

“Jeopardy, are you sure that’s wise? If you make him chew the meat, you stand a chance of converting him back to normal”

“Do you really want to turn a normal vampire loose on this mailbox Mouse?” said Jeopardy.

“Good point” Danger Mouse replied.

“Besides, he’s a vamp, but I love him” she continued.

Realising what she said, and suspicious of what drove her to say it, she withdrew her hold on Duckula just as he sprang right back up.

“Ok Count, you’ve had your fun, now get out of here before the script insists I arrest you” she said.

“What fun? I haven’t written anything yet” Duckula replied.

“You must have written something before we arrived then” she said.

“No, I came here with you as soon as we were both ready” insisted Duckula.

“Wow Jeopardy, I never pegged you as a vampire’s vixen” noted Penfold.

“I’d never be one, he made me say those words” a frustrated Jeopardy said.

Duckula shook his head, then recollected something.

“Oh I almost forgot, I did write something into the script before we arrived” he said.

“Ah ha” she said, glad that her hunch was apparently right.

A bell rang and a bell boy walked into the Colonel’s offices, handing Jeopardy something.

True to the Count’s word, a cheque had come in.

“I told you I’d write you a cheque” he said.

“It’s blank” Jeopardy noted.

“I said I’d write you a cheque coming in, and so it did, I didn’t say anything about money being part of the package

A frustrated Jeopardy chased after him, furious that she had not only let it slip she actually liked him, but that he had cheated her out of a tidy profit for all her troubles in today’s episode.

“Well Duckula, I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson” Danger Mouse cautioned.

“What’s that?” Duckula replied as he narrowly avoided several swipes and kics from Jeopardy

“Never write cheques your mouse can’t cash”

THE END