Tag Archives: Leonardo

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-The Gang All Here (Rewrite) [FANFIC]

logoanim

Download “The Gang’s All Here (Rewrite)” Here

I took a stab at adapting/reimagining the Fred Wolf TMNT episode “The Gang’s All Here”, replacing most if not all of the original dialogue, addressing a few plot holes, and adding in an original romantic subplot

Here’s the original episode

 

 

And here’s the story

“I am seriously starved dudes” bemoaned Michelangelo as the Turtle Van sped through the city, carrying all four of it’s occupants, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to a fateful rendezvous with their dreaded enemy Shredder.

“You’ll have to monitor your munchies Mikey” cautioned Leonardo, “April gave us a big tip on the Shredder’s whereabouts, this is as good an opportunity as we’ve had had to nab him”

The van stopped in it’s tracks as the traffic lights turned red. From a distance, a pair of infamous individuals known to the Turtles were closely monitoring the four’s activities, and seized their own opportunity.

“Alright Bebop, time for you to play damsel in distress” said the repulsive man-rhino Rocksteady, handing his warthog friend a small triangular device. Bebop looked at it and let out a heavy sigh.

“Hey, what’s the matter? You picked the short straw, that means you gotta do it” said Rocksteady.

“My straw was longer than yours, you bit half of mine off” Bebop added.

“What’s the point of being a bad sport when you can’t be bad to go with it? Life ain’t fair, so stop wasting time and help us make life miserable for them Toitles” Rocksteady replied.

Bebop snarled and triggered the device. His entire physical appearance was transformed into that of a dour looking elderly lady carrying a small handbag. Rocksteady grabbed the device and used it to transform himself into a gruff and heavy looking thug.

“Try to be convincing, put up some kind of struggle” Rocksteady said, and leapt towards Bebop’s handbag, grabbing it and setting off an aggressive tug of war between the two.

“Gimme that bag you..you old bag” remarked Rocksteady.

“Never, unhand me you evil man” said Bebop.

The commotion caused by the two seemed to pay off, as Leonardo spotted what was going on.

“Uh oh guys” he said, “Looks like we have another crime in progress”

“Shredder’ll have to wait” Donatello replied.

“Let’s cream that creep” Michelangelo added.

The four quickly exited their vehicle and approached the pair.

“You do know picking on the elderly is right up there with taking candy from kids” remarked Raphael, tapping the thug on the shoulder, unaware of his true identity.

“Yeah, says who? I don’t see a badge anywhere on ya” said the thug, who was swiftly hit on the head by Bebop.

“You ought to learn some matters you awful beast” said Bebop, who was really getting into his character, much to Rocksteady’s chagrin.

“We fight with a badge alright, a badge of honor” said Leonardo, grabbing the thug while he was left dazed from the bag attack, scopping him up and pressing him over his head.

“Hey, put me down” said the thug.

Leonardo obliged, tossing him to the left side, instructing Raphael to catch him. As Raphael did so, he leaned back on his shell and spun himself around, keeping his arms firmly attached to the back of Rocksteady, sending him on a dizzying ride, before tossing him again to the right.

Michelangelo caught him this time, and in a most unique manner, hoisting his back up and balancing Rocksteady delicately onto it.

“I’m not the type to carry this kind of weight on my shoulders” Michelangelo remarked, and quickly threw the large load off of his back and sent him crashing down on his keister.

“You freaks sure showed me, I’m tailing it” said Rocksteady, making his way down the street with Michelangelo in brief pursuit.

“What a wimp” exclaimed the Turtle, “Not even a patch on old tin-grin”

Leonardo approached the elderly woman, helping her get her bearings as she appeared visibly shaken.

“He won’t be bothering you again ma’am” assured the Turtles’ leader.

“Oh thank you my dears” said Bebop, almost heaving as he put on his most insincere of sincere voices to express his ‘gratitude’.

“Hey, no thanks needed” said Michelangelo.

“Such bravery demands a reward of some kind” Bebop continued, and rummaged through his handbag, ultimately producing a small brown box.

“Here you are” he said, “Chocolate Chip Cookies. My own recipe, freshly baked too” he said, handing Leonardo the box.

“Thankyou ma’am” said a cheerful Leonardo as the ‘lady’ made her way down town.

“I’d best be off, take care now” she replied.

“What a sweet old lady” said Leonardo.

“I don’t know Leonardo, from the way she helped us takcle that thug, she seemed perfectly capable of handling herself, and her voice sounded awfully familiar” Donatello noted.

“She can’t be all that bad, her cookies smell delcious, mind if I take a bite?” Michelanglo asked, but Leonardo kept the box far from his grasp.

“Mikey, your cravings will be your undoing one day, we still have Shredder to deal with, and if we’re to stand any chance against him, we have to be in trim fighting shape” Leonardo replied.

“Yeah Mike, I’m positive there’s something more to this set-up than meets the eye, that thug gave up way too easily, and the lady actually went down the same street he fled down, what’s to stop her from being attacked again?”

“Should we tail her and find out for sure then?” said Raphael.

“No, for now, I think it’s best we run some tests on these cookies she gave us, just to be on the safe side” Donatello suggested.

“Besides, the traffic lights turned green more than a couple of minutes ago, the van being where it is is causing a bit of a traffic jam” said Leonardo, pointing to the line of cars and impaitent drivers blaring their horns.

“Man, the lights may be as green as our faces, but they’re the ones looking a bit red” remarked Michelangelo.

Bebop and Rocksteady soon rendevouzed with their master, Shredder in a downtown alleyway.

“Them Turtles bought it hook, line and sinker boss” said Bebop.

“You two puilling this off is the biggest surprise of this episode thus far. Those cookies you supplied them with will soon prove thier downfall, and will fuel our own appetite for destruction” hissed Shredder.

Back at the lair, a hungry and desperate Michelangelo refused to let up.

“This is such a waste of my stomach’s good time Don, there’s nothing wrong with those cookies” he protested as Donatello examined the snack more throughly.

To the surprise of the group, the beaker that Donatello had deposited the cookie into turned from yellow to green as the chemicals mixed with the baking soda. The cookie dissolved and an odious, vapor rose from the beaker.

Donatello cautioned the remaining Turtles to hold their breath as he disposed of the contents of the beaker in a nearby trash can.

“Just as I thought, they weren’t made with baking soda, these cookies were laced with some kind of reverse-engineered strain of mutagen” concluded Donatello.

“Shredder’s doing no doubt” replied Leonardo.

“I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles” remarked Raphael.

“One bite of one of these, and we would have mutated into the most degenerate lifeforms on the planet Earth…human beings” Donatello revealed.

Michelangelo’s eyes lit up at the prospect.

“Human beings? That sounds like the kind of pary I oughta be invited to” he replied.

“You can’t be serious” Donatello said, grabbing the bag of cookies as Michelangelo reached out to take one.

“When is he ever serious?” Raphael snarked.

“Think about it, humans get all the perks in life, and more importantly, they get all the chicks”

“Mikey, you’re about as random with this line of thinking as Leo is whenever he trails off and talks about wanting to ride in a western rodeo” Raphael replied.

“That is the conundrum you face my students..is the difference even worth the price?” uttered the wise sense of the Turtles, Master Splinter, as he entered Donatello’s lab.

“I’m not about to let any of us pay any kind of price over this Master, I’m putting these cookies in the garbage” said Donatello, tossing the box into the trash.

“Ah well, it was a sweet dream while it lasted” expressed a down heartened Michelangelo.

Deep beneath the Earth’s core, at the heart of the colossal war machine The Technodrome, the Turtles’ formidable enemies were salivating at the prospect of their plans succeeding.

“As soon as the Turtles consume those cookies, they will be transformed into meek, timid human beings” Shredder boasted.

“Yeah, it’s a good thing Krang added that little touch to the formula, otherwise it would’nt have made much difference to how dem Toitles usually act” Rocksteady revealed.

“Until I heard that part, I was fully prepared to call this the least thought-out plan hatched by that brain bag” Shredder remarked.

“What makes you think the Turtles will eat the cookies boss?” asked Bebop.

“I have a feeling they already have their suspicions, but even if they piece together the puzzle and realize what the retro mutagen is capable of, they are still Teenagers, constantly conflicted about their place in society, they may still be tempted by the prospect of living a life free of scorn and ridicule, a chance to be normal” revealed Shredder.

The group were soon interupted by Krang, who was keen to carry out the second phase of thier plan.

Krang turned their attention to the central monitor, operating a few control panels and bringing up the image of a cargo ship docked in New York’s central harbor.

“This ship has a cargoe of electronic caches we need to make the neccersary repairs to the Technodrome. Rocksteady and Bebop, you will infiltrate the vessel and steal them for us” Krang instructed.

“Just us? No help?” Bebop inquired.

“Don’t be ridiculous, we need people who look like the kind you find on the waterfront, surely you two still know where to find your old gang?” Shredder asked.

Rocksteady teared up at the notion of reuniting with old friends.

“Gee, our old gang, I haven’t given them a moment’s thought since I grew a horn” he said.

“I wonder if they’ll even recognize us?” added Bebop.

“If you two botch this assignment, you won’t be able to recognize yourselves in a reflection” Krang replied. “Now scramble”

An unnerved Bebop and Rocksteady nodded in acknowledgment of the threat and dashed towards the transport modules.

On the top floor of the Channel Six News Building, Burne Thompson was in a state of panic as he glanced at the latest batch of ratings coming in for the daily evening news bulletins.

“If we don’t stop this slide soon, our collapse will be what makes our next big story” he vented to Vernon Fenwick and his star reporter, the Turtles’ best human friend April O’Neil.

“How about a show all about matchstick collecting?” Vernon replied.

“Next” Thompson said, turning immediatly to April for a suggestion without giving Fenwick’s option a second thought.

“I’ve got just the ticket…an expose on city gangs” April suggested.

Burne found the prospect tantilsiing.

“You may very well have something there April. A typical New York family audience craves crime and violence in the evening. I can schedule your story for the Tuesday time slot, peak viewing hours, get on it”

“Right chief” said April, hastly retreating to her office where her co-worker Irma was waiting.

“Did he like your pitch?” she asked.

“He went one better Irma, he gave me the green light” April revealed, hastily looking through her drawers and pulling out a dusty black jacket as well as a headband, she quickly changed into the fresh pair of clothes, and ruffled up her hair ever so slightly so she looked a little rougher.

“Wow, you really planned ahead” Irma observed as April checked herself out in a mirror.

“Not too bad, I think I definitely qualify as gangland material” she said.

“So you want me to cancel your 3: 30 for today?” Irma asked.

“What? That blind date you arranged for me? You know me Irma, I don’t have much time for anything outside of a story” replied April.

“You sure? He knows where the best parks in town are, and he’s a Turtle lover just like the pair of us” Irma added.

“That’s sweet of you to recommend him Irma, but this girl is only interested in one kind of date…one with danger. Mean streets, here I come”

Some hours later, back at the Turtles’ lair, Michelangelo was making preperations for his own date with destiny, as he snuck into Donatello’s lab dressed in a hawaian shirt, sporting blue shorts, clutching a skateboard.

With the Turtles due to awaken from their afternoon siessta, Michelangelo knew he had to act fast.

He scoured the trash can, managing to locate the box Donatello had discarded, and within that box, the forbidden contents.

He took a bite out of the first cookie he grabbed, and waited patiently for a few minutes for the changes, if any, to kick in.

Nothing seemed to be happening.

He checked a digital wrist watch he was wearing, and let out a sollem sigh.

Time’s almost up he thought.

He reached for his Turtle-Com, intending to contact someone he trusted and update them on what had been happening when a strange sensation coursed through his body. His eyes rolled over, he found himself in a dizzying daze and the room’s contents began to form into a shapeless blur.

The physical contortions became too much to bear, and, collapsing to the ground, the young Turtle soon slipped into a state of unconsciousness.

This state of being did not last long, and before long, he regained a sense of awareness. He steady reached out with his hands to grab hold of something, he eventually latched on to Donatello’s desk.

Michelangelo steadily rose to his feet, and as soon as he could grasp his surroundings, he found himself struggling to grasp with a new found identity.

His hands were no longer green, but white, pasty, fleshly. Very much human.

Excited, Michelangelo walked over to a nearby mirror to check if his features were in any way the same. He was in seventh heaven when he discovered this was the case.

“I look bodacious”, he said as he glanced at the reflection, “Now we’ll see if I can score a touchdown” he remarked.

Grabbing his skateboard, Michelangelo stepped out of the lab and towards the nearest manhole exit that he knew. It was time to put his new found humanity to the test.

Michelangelo’s first port of call was the skateboarding park located at the far right end of the city. As he pulled up to one of the ramps on his skateboard, he was greeted by a slender black teenager dressed in a manner becoming of a mail man, flanked by an even leaner boy wearing a cream shirt and blue shorts.

“Nice wheels dude” complimented the boy as Mikey pulled up on his skateboard. “Think you can shred the course?”

” Are you for real dude? You just happen to be talking to a highly skilled Ninja Tur…erm, I mean, most tubular teens around” Michelangelo responded.

“Alright Whizz, work your magic” the boy said, slapping him gently on the back, causing Mikey’s skateboard to tip over the edge of the ramp and begin to hurtle down the tunnel.

“Hey wait up, I wasn’t ready” Michelangelo screamed, but it was too late, he was well on his way, proceeding to crash into every obstacle designed to obstruct a skateboarder’s path . The resulting calamity brought tears of laughter to the two rival skateboarders.

Michelangelo’s descent culiminated in his skateboard hitting a rough patch of grass, sending the former Turtle hurtling into the branch of a tree. By this point, the boys had tired of the humilating sight and decided to take their business elsewhere, leaving Michelangelo void of bragging rights and a shred of decency.

“Gee, maybe being human is’nt all it’s cracked up to be, maybe it was a waste of time after all” Michelangelo spoke aloud to himself as he took his leave of the park, only to have further misfortune befall him as he walked past a muddy patch on the side of the road.

Without warning, a car sped past him, it’s wheels striking the mud and spraying Michelanglo with huge portions of it directly in the face.

“That tears it, I’m heading back home, maybe Don can patch me up and get me looking green again” he said.

As he turned acorner, he heard a loud shriek and a cry for help. Rushing past him was a young and lively woman. Unbenowst to Michelangelo, it was April.

“Gee that dudette looks like she could do with a helping hand” Michelangelo observed, before he was shoved to the curb and trampled on by what appeared to be four or five people eager to maintain pursuit.

Michelangelo’s temper rose as he got up and dusted himself off.

“Ok, now I’m really steamed, nobody leaves treats this teenager like literal dirt” he said, snarling, and took off after the thugs on his skateboard.

The gang’s pursuit of April reached it’s climax inside the tunnel of a nearby park bridge, where April found one of the thugs on the other end blocking her path with the remainder of the goons chasing her swooped in. He was brandishing a plank of wood.

“Alright doll-face, just what do you think you were doing snooping around our neck of the woods?” asked the thug, a thin and weasly looking bald man.

“I, well, I’ve been…” April began, her nerves getting the better of her.

“That girl’s voice sounds awfully familiar” observed Michealngelo as he approached the bridge and began to evesdrop on the conversation.

“Give me five minutes with her Lugnut, I’ll teach her not to spy on any of us” asked one of the thug’s friends, grabbing April by the arm and giving her a sniff.

“Hey, she’s got quite the fragrance on her, maybe she’d be worth a happy hour or two” he continued, this repulsed April, she realized she had to make good on an excuse to spare herself further humiliation.

Or worse.

It was at this point Michelangelo realized who April was. He froze like a statue, he could feel the tense sensation of dread wash over him, knowing his dearest friend was in danger and that there was potentially little he could do in this body to prevent something horrendous happening to her.

He was helpless.

“I wasn’t spying on any of you, you’ve got it completly wrong, it’s more like I was checking you out” April replied, which was not entirely a lie, as her mission since this assignment began was to get closer to how gangs in the city operated.

“You were checking US out?” Lugnut replied.

“That’s my girl… a tough act for a tough crowd, keep doing your thing dudette” whispered Micheangelo, his apprehension dissapating for as long as April could sustain her act.

“Yeah” April said, a bit more confidence in her voice, “I wanted to see how you guys could handle having me as a member of your group”

Lugnut and the remainder of the group broke into fits of laughter.

“You really think you’re that tough?” asked Lugnut, taking the two-by-four in his hand and biting one of the nails embedded in it clean off.

“Well…fairly tough” April said, her confidence briefly sapping.

“Alright then, then you won’t mind putting your money where your mouth is. You can be target practice for Jersey Red and her knuckles. Make it past her and we’ll consider you for membership”

A large red-haired woman with a dog collar around her neck approached April, licking her lips.

“I’m gonna ground you into pizza dough” she snarled.

“Man, Jersey Red has some mighty fine taste in food, but I don’t think April’s got the stomach for a fight like this” said Michelangelo, his anxiety getting the better of him again.

Lugnut led the remainder of his gang out of the tunnel.

“We’ll be back later ‘Red, try to leave just enough of this chick for us to identify when we get back” he said. Michelangelo ducked behind a couple of barrles to avoid detection.

April found herself swiftly ejected from the tunnel also, but only because Jersey had scooped her up and tossed her as far as she could.

April knew she could’nt run, it would deny her the story, and word would spread quickly from this particular group that she was weak. On the other hand, there was the very real possiblity Jersey Red could seriously harm her.

She was psychologically trapped, one way or the other, she would come out worse for wear.

This did’nt scare her, but it was scarring Michelangelo as he was coming to the exact same conclusions as April was.

As April dusted herself off and charged back into the tunnel to continue the fight, Michealgenlo cursed his present situation, his rage was building.

He wished he could do more.

Suddenly, his hands trembled, and to his surprise, began to turn green again. Soon his entire body had reverted back to that of the tubular teenage Turtle he’d always been, and by his reckoning, not a moment too soon.

“Totally timely, I’m back to normal, it must be the adrenaline in my blood stream, or something super-scientific. Donatello’s not around so I have to make do with explaining the surprise to the audience”

“You’re not up to learning lessons are you?” taunted Jersey Red as April approached her, “I suppose I’m gonna have to pound reality into you” she continued, and, in a miraculous feat for someone of her size, she leapt at the young reporter.

“April, duck” cried out Michelangelo as he pushed April out of the way and intercepted Jersey Red as she extended her legs to crash into her target full force.

He grabbed both of her legs and tossed the hulking mass of humanity around with considerable ease, throwing her with maximum effort into a dumpster perched just outside of the tunnel on the far right.

“Turtle power does it again” Michelangelo exclaimed in triumph.

Lugnut and his group had caught wind of the commotion and were heading back, forcing Michelangelo to make himself scarse. Jersey Red, still groggy from her whirlwind experience, clambered out of the dumpster in a dazed and confused state.

Lugnut approached April, who looked just as lost as Jersey did in regards to what happened.

“I don’t know how you did it, but it looks like we got ourselves a winner” he said, raising April’s hand in the air to make her triumph official.

“So I’m in the gang?” April asked.

“Not just yet, there’s still one more test to show if you’re really cut out for our line of work. You need to burglarize a pad and bring us the loot”

“Burglarize? As in breaking and entering?” April quizzed.

“Should be a cakewalk for you toots…unless of course, that yellow on your jeans runs all the way up your back” taunted Jersey Red.

This ruffled April’s feathers to no extreme.

“I’m no chicken, and I know just the name to rob. It’ll even make the eight o’clock news” she revealed.

“Great, we’ll rendezvous back here at 7 PM, you can lead us to the abode of your choice then” Lugnut revealed.

As the gang disassembled, Michelangelo, having reverted back to human form, once more felt slightly anxious.

“April’s in way over her head. I’d best keep close to her, for her own good”

Back at the Turtles’ lair, Michelangelo’s absence was being noticed at the dinner table.

“Any idea where he went off to?” Raphael asked as Donatello handed him the salt shaker.

“Yeah, we prepared this pizza specially to help raise his spirits after the cookie fiasco, it’s not like him to skip a meal like this” Leonardo replied.

“Maybe there’s something else that’s eating away at him” Donatello theorized.

“Oh please, Michelangelo’s the most laid back of all of us, whatever could be weighing heavily on him?” Raphael asked as he tucked into Michelangelo’s slice of pizza, having finished his own portion and not wanting good food to go to waste.

“Remember what he said one of the perks of injesting that reverse mutagen was he would get to pick up chicks? There was something in his voice that makes me think he did’nt mean that light-heartedly” said Donatello.

“You don’t think that time we were laced with a love potion and went crazy for Irma stayed with him do you?” Leonardo asked.

“Mikey’s had a crush on someone even before then, remember Kala of the Neutrinos? These experiances, both past and recent, may have given Michelangelo hope that he could feel something similar for someone else more down to Earth” Donatello replied.

“Ok, but if Michelangelo is’nt infatuated with Irma like the rest of us were, and Kala is a whole dimension away, who else is there?” Raphael aske, before he suddenly caught himself entertaining a stirring notion in his mind.

“No…no it could’nt be” he said aloud, and went back to finishing off Michelangelo’s portion.

Suddenly, the entire room was rocked with a violent explosion which knocked the Turtles off of thier chairs

“What in sam hill was that?” said Raphael as he cradled his head, having landed on the floor hard.

“It came from my lab” said Donatello.

The Turtles dashed towards the source of the disruption, finding a smouldering concotion within the trash can.

“It’s the anti-mutagen. It exploded” annalyzed Donatello as he scooped up what remained of the box containing the cookies.

“So if we had taken those things, not only would we have been able to mix in with mankind, we’d also be walking time bombs?”

“It’s a good thing none of us tried that stuff” said Leonardo.

“I am afraid one of you did my students” spoke Master Splinter as he joined his students, a note clutched in his hands. He lent it to Donatello, who read it aloud to the others.

”Dear dudes, if these cookies check out, I’ll be a dynamic human dude, and just in time for my date. Cowabunga”

“We’ve got to find Michelangelo and bring him home” said Leonardo.

“Yeah, and when we do, he’ll have a lot to answer for…like who he had in mind for a date?” said Raphael, though he already a growing suspicion creeping into the back of his mind.

“Do not be so impetious my students, for you must find a means of curing Michelangelo before you can reach out to him” cautioned Splinter.

“I’ll get to work on one right now Master” said Donatello, swiftly putting together a collection of beakers and test tubes filled with various chemicals.

Donatello had his work cut off for him, as the process took up a great deal of his time. Much time had passed, and for Michelangelo, the eleventh hour was upon him.

Or much rather the seventh.

He checked his watch again, just to be sure he wasn’t late for this most fateful of appointments.

“7 PM. As Sure as Shirley” he said to himself, almost out of breath.

Outside an apartment building well known to him, the very human Turtle found the process of clambering up the catwalk of the complex exhausting.

“Man, this was so much easier when I was part of the green team” he said.

As luck would have it, April had left her window open, making entering her room a breeze.

Below him, April and the gang had converged on the apartment, April dashed up the steps.

“You sure you know your way around this place?” Lugnut asked.

“Hey, I’ve been in and out of this apartment block so many times with loot, I practically live in it” April remarked.

If only he knew.

“Give me a few minutes, I’ll be back with the stash” she said, and swiftly entered the building.

She made her way to her apartment, fiddled with the lock excitedly, and went inside.

As soon as she entered, Michelangelo came out from behind the freshly opened door, almost catching her off guard.

Almost.

“Yo dudedette” he said, only to be swiftly grabbed by April and violently tossed over to the other side of the room, landing with a rough and thunderous thud.

“Hey, chill out, I’m a friend” said Michelangelo as he nursed his aching sides.

“Oh yeah? Prove it” said April.

“I’m the dude who took out that hot piece of garbage Jersey Red for you” Michelangelo replied.

“So that’s how I was able to ‘overcome’ her, I had help, that means you’re also the one to tell me to duck” April realized.

Michelangelo nodded.

“So what are you doing in my apartment?” April asked, heading to her dresser to find a few items that would convince Lugnut and his gang that she had found some goods.

“I’m here to warn you about that gang, mixing in with them isn’t groovy girlfriend, what if they find out you’re not all you claim to be?” Michelangelo asked.

“Your concern is flattering, but I’m a reporter on a hot story, and I’m not about to let go of it. If push comes to shove, I have friends that can help me take care of any risky buisness…maybe I ought to introduce you to them”

“I’ve heard about your friends, it’s what made me want to take the fight to gangs like yours in the first place” said Michelangelo, now getting a kick out of spinning half-truths about himself to impress April more.

April opened her dresser and took out a few pearl broaches.

“What do you think? Will they settle for some of this junk jewelry of mine, or should I try something a little more expensive?” April said, eager to hear her intruder’s opinion.

Before Michelangelo could respond, his adrenlene levels kicked in and his human apperance began to destabalize. He hastily tried to excuse himself, but the suddeness of the transformation caught him off guard.

“What’s happening to you?” April asked.

Michelangelo tried to make a quick exit via the open window he had climbed through earlier, but it was too late, he had reverted back to his Turtle form before a startled April’s eyes.

“Michelangelo, it’s you” April said with a gasp.

“I guess I’d better give you the straight scoop” Michelangelo said, asking April to take a seat on the couch.

He talked for well over ten minutes recapping his entire day, from fending off the thug and saving the ‘sweet’ old lady, to Donatello testing the cookies, to Michelangelo coming to a fateful decision to take them.

“Mikey, why would you risk everything like this?” said April.

“On any other day I would’nt have taken this radical risk, but today was just different I guess” he said, just as his Turtle-Com went off.

“Irma, can this wait?” Michelangelo replied as April’s friend patched through

“I’ve been trying to reach you all day mister” Irma replied

“Yeah, sorry about that, I only remembered to turn it on when I decided to tail someone I knew, I figured if she got in over her head I could contact the others” Michelangelo explained.

“Well, whoever your friend is, she obviously meant more to you than the date you arranged. April called it off by the way, I did my best to persuade her, but she was all about finding a lead story, not a leading man…or Turtle in your case.”

“Uh, Irma, now’s really not the right time” said Michelangelo, feeling sweat wash over him as nerves took hold.

“Not that I ever found you guys all that attractive to women anyway…well, ok there was that one time I blushed at Donatello, but that was before he brought up the whole thing with the sattelite dish…” Irma continued, forcing Michelangelo to turn his Turtle-Com off to prevent her from rambling on further.

April, however, had heard enough.

“You…you were my 3: 30?” she realized.

Michelangelo nodded, unsure of what to say, this was the most difficult conflict he had faced yet, as either a Turtle, a human, or as a hero.

“I thought if you gave me a chance as a regular human, we could have a real swell time y’know?” he said.

“Michelangelo, I don’t know what to say…you pulling a stunt like this seems far too consequential in the long run for just a simple day out…there’s more to this is’nt there? Please, just say it, don’t hold it in. Whatever it is, I can take it”

“You can?” Michelangelo said.

April held his hand and clutched it tight.

“I will” she promised.

Michelangelo took a deep breath.

“I think you’re a great gal. You’re all about the risk and you pursue it knowing that if you overcome every obstacle, there’s a reward on the other end. You’re always there for us and you know what we like. You know every inch of this city and you have time for all the little people in it, not just the big guns. You’ve had your own share of mutations, stuff that’d bring any other human being to the edge, and you came back from it. We’re made of mutagen, but you? You’re made of steel”

April smiled, as nervous as Michelangelo, her thoughts only briefly drifting back to the time it was taking for all this to come out, and what it entailed for Lugnut and his gang waiting for her below.

However, her full attention was demanded here, a friend was bearing all to her, and he needed the time to say what was on his mind and his soul

“April, I, uh, guess you could say I…” he began, April cut him off.

“Not now, not yet” she said.

“Really?” said Michelangelo

“We’ve got way too much distracting us at the moment and I can only process so much” she said, pressing her finger delicately on his lips, “Whatever you say next, wherever it is we go from here, You can hold on to it ’till we’re done with this. Deal?”

Michelangelo nodded. Unsure of where this was leading, unsure if he’d ever be able to say what he wanted to again.

“I’d best be heading back” April continued, putting the pearls in a bag.

“I’ll come with you” Michelangelo said

“Thanks, but it’s best you keep out of sight when I join up with them” she said.

“Anything for you babe” Michelangelo said, and followed April out of the room.

“You might want to lock up your window next time” he said to her as they came down the staircase.

April laughed.

The two friends stepped out of the apartment into the crisp, cold evening air.

As they walked down the street, Michelangelo decided to briefly change the subject to that of everyday life.

“I had the munchies all morning April” he said

“Oh I know the feeling. Went into the office with only half a bacon sandwich. Irma had taken the other half” April replied.

“I was wondering what she was chewing when she was arranging our get-together” said Michelangelo.

“The bacon wasn’t that steller…it reminded me of food I found in a hotel during an international assignment I took in England. It was like rubber, tasted like the yolk of an egg as well…in fact I’m dead certain there was egg in it, Irma must have helped herself to that as well”

Conversations quickly shifted from small talk about what they’d been getting up to in the week to the urgent matter of April’s mission.

“April, this is really dangerous, this mutagen’s done weird things to my metabolism, I feel weaker, like I’ve lost a lot of my skill and power” Michelangelo explained.

“That’s ok Michelangelo, really I don’t need anyone’s help” said April.

“So much for gratitude then” Michelangelo said, bummed out that April had forgotten his valiant rescue of her just that afternoon.

April suddenly caught sight of Lugnut’s gang just ahead of them.

“Uh-oh, they’re all waiting for me, you’d best duck out of sight” said April

Michelangelo didn’t like leaving April alone against the gang, but honored her wishes, vanishing into a nearby alleyway and eavesdropping on the conversation as quietly as he could.

“Ok toots, you got the merchandise?” asked Lugnut

“Sealed with a kiss” April said, giving the bag a peck. Lugnut hastily grabbed it and emptied out the contents.

“Yeah, this one sparkles, just my kind of thing. Well done toots, consider yourself one of us” he said.

A violent tremor suddenly made all of them tremble, the pavement beneath them came away as a huge transport module surfaced before the startled gangmembers.

“What the heck? Did someone decide to extend the subway or something?” asked a befuddled Lugnut, mistaking the module for a subway car.

The hatch of the module opened and out stepped two hulking figures all too familiar to April.

Oh no, it’s Rocksteady and Bebop she whispered with a gasp.

“Aw bummer, it’s those two freakazoids” noted Michelangelo also, trying to keep out of visible detection as he crept closer to the action, concelaing himself behind two trash cans.

Rocksteady and Bebop briefly took some time out of their arrival to lecture one another on steering the module properly, as it had taken them hours to reach their destination.

“Next time, leave the directions to me” said Rocksteady

“Why should I? You’re the one who’s ambidecstrous, you could’nt tell right from up and left from across” said Bebop

“Will you two out-of-sight animals pipe down and get off our turf?” said Lugnut, having no time for their foolishness.

“Hey, this is our turf too” said Rocksteady.

“Yeah, or at least it used to be” said Bebop.

“What are you getting at freaks?” said Lugnut.

“Don’t you recognize us?” said Bebop.

“Yeah, we’re old pals of yours…Bebop and Rocksteady, remember?” Rocksteady added.

“You ain’t fooling us, you guys are way better looking than those two ever were” joked Jersey Red.

Rocksteady pondered how best to prove their authenticity to the gang, opting to charge a nearby wall with his horn and plowed straight through it.

“Wow, is that supposed to confirm who you are? Some dumb stunt? I ain’t buying” said Lugnut.

“If you ain’t convinced by that, maybe you won’t mind when he starts charging through you next” said Bebop.

Lugnut, unnerved, quickly changed his mind.

“Ok, ok, for the sake of my health, I’m convinced” he said.

“How come you two changed into animals?” One member of the gang asked.

“There’s time for that later, meanwhile you got a job to do” said Bebop.

April was beginning to wonder whether or not Michelangelo was right in warning her not to overstep her boundaries, but her story had taken yet another surprising turn and she wasn’t about to retreat from it.

Elsewhere, the remaining Turtles were searching the streets for any trace of the unstable Michelangelo.

Donatello was making use of a device he had recently invented to trace his brother Turtle’s footsteps.

“This ray will make any traces of the anti-mutagen glow the same colour as us, green” he explained.

“I hope we find him sooner and not later” said Leonardo.

Finally, the trail began leading them somewhere, as emerald green traces could be found leading into a nearby park, and from there, the tracks led to the harbor.

“This is it guys” said Donatello.

Meanwhile, at the docks, Bebop and Rocksteady had assembled the gang at the ship Krang had sent them to pillage.

Lugnut instructed the gang to remain where they were while he explored the ship.

The tension was palpable, Jersey Red twitched ever so slightly, April felt a cold chill travel up her spine.

“Hey, you anxious?” said Jersey Red.

“Not as much as I was when you were trying to toss me like a rag doll” said April.

Jersey smiled and gave her a fierce elbow.

“Nobody plays with dolls in this gang” she argued.

“Right, you and me, we fought like wild cats. That a better analogy?” April asked.

“You got the upper hand that time, I’d like a rematch some time, just to make sure we have a tiger and not a pussycat” Jersey insisted.

“Oh beleive me, there’s been times in my life I’ve had literal claws out. You would’nt want me to leave a scratch” replied April.

“I’m begining to like you” said Jersey, patting April on the head and ruffling her hair a bit.

“Asking for another fight is your way of expressing admiration? I would’nt want to be on a picnic with you guys” April whispered delicately to herself.

Lugnut finally gave the all clear for the gang to join him aboard the ship.

“Really?” said April.

“What’s wrong?” said Jersey.

“Security is so lax here they’ve left this vessel unattended?” asked April.

“Hey, it must be a cheap episode, only so many extras” Jersey argued.

The gang assembled aboard the ship and looked down at an open hatch which contained boxes stacked with the electronic supplies they needed.

They had been informed of the mission, they knew their purpose, they just needed to know the next move.

They turned to Bebop, who in turn turned to Rocksteady, who himself had completely forgotten the mission at hand.

“I wish the boss were here” said Rocksteady, distant and with an expression reflective of a lost puppy in need of his master.

“Should we try and take the electronics using a crane or something?” suggested an on-point Lugnut.

April reckoned, with everything so disorganized, that now was the best time to slip away and alert the authorities of what was going on.

She looked high and low for a means of contacting people as quickly as possible. Her luck paid off with a nearby communications cabin situated jsut north of her.

She entered the cabin and made use of the radio.

“Hello? Hello?” she began.

Outside, Bebop was operating a crane, attempting to lower it and lock on to the electronic cargo located in the hatch beneath the deck of the ship.

“Left, left, lower on my signal” said Rocksteady.

Bebop lowered the crane and latched on to something. He was jubilant, something was going off without a hitch.

Or so he thought.

As he hoisted the crane upwards, he heard bellowing screams, he looked down and found he had wound attaching the crane’s hook to the back of Rocksteady’s pants.

“Ah, lower me, lower me” he said.

Bebop was about to do as instructed, when Rocksteady realized he was being lowered towards the ocean

“You trying to drown me or something? Turn right, turn right” Rocksteady demanded.

Bebop again complied with a swift pull of a lever, resulting in the crane propelling Rocksteady straight into the side of the communications room, the impact collapsing a side of the wall and exposing April’s activities.

“Hey, what is the heck is toots doing?” said Lugnut.

“Looks like she’s trying to squeel on us” said another gang member.

Jersey clenched her fist and gritted her teeth.

“I was beginning to think you were alright…now you won’t be” she vented as her heartache turned to quick and sudden anger.

Rocksteady detached himself from the crane, got up, and dusted himself off.

“Yeah, that’s that reporter babe, April O’Neil, grab her” he said.

“Time to spread my wings, let’s just hope they don’t get clipped” said April, dashing off as Rocksteady and the gang gave chase across the deck.

“Hang on April” bellowed Michelangelo, as he swung in from the top of the cabin holding onto a firm piece of rope attached to the crane that Bebop was operating.

“Not a bad Tarzan impression huh?” Michelangelo boasted as he and April landed safely atop the opposite side of the vessel.

April delicately placed a finger on his lips and slapped him on the torso, “Don’t go mistaking me for Jane Jungle Boy” she remarked.

“You wait here, I’ll cream those clowns” said Michelangelo, swinging down to meet Rocksteady on ground level.

He grabbed his wrist in preparation to toss him over his shoulder, a standard trick of combat he’d used earlier in the day and many times before hand, only to find his strength once again diminish as the transformation to human form kicked in again.

“Michelangelo, what’s happening?” yelled April from her position.

“Bummer, my body’s gone schizo over whether or not to keep me green or not” said Michelangelo, as Rocksteady gained the upper hand and gripped Michelangelo’s fleshly body tightly within his own hands.

“Well well, guess you had an appetite for Shredder’s cookies after all wimp” gloated Rocksteady.

“Let go of me before I really cut loose on you horn-head” replied a defiant Michelangelo. Rocksteady could’nt help but laugh.

He took a grapplnig hook dangling from the crane and latched on to Michelangelo’s t-shirt.

“Haul him away Bebop” Rocksteady bellowed. Bebop nodded and hoisted Michelangelo with the crane, intending to slam him hard against the ship’s walls until there was nothing left of him to smear.

“Banzai” came a defiant battle-cry from behind Rocksteady as Leonardo leapt onto the ship and threw his sai blade directly at the grappling hook attached to the crane, detatching Michelangelo from it.

The remaining Turtles soon joined him, cracking their knuckles.

“Turtles fight with honor” they yelled in unison.

Rocksteady, unimpressed with this show of force he’d experianced first hand many a time, including today, climbed up to April’s location, picked her up with the simplest of ease and proceed to climb up the ship’s mast. Michelangelo went after her.

“Hold on April’s help’s on his way” said Michealngelo.

Lugnut and some of his underlings attempted to assist Rocksteady, only to have their path blocked by Raphael

“I don’t know where it is you came from, but we intend to see you back to your own dwelling in pieces” proclaimed an enraged Lugnut.

“I fall to pieces at the very notion of that” said Raphael, the bite evident in his snark, before picking up an axe and cutting a nearby bit of rope, which released a net directly on top of Lugnut and his men.

“That there is what we mean by the term ‘net neutrality” said Raphael.

Leonardo also made use of the ship’s resources, throwing a slick cannister of paint across the deck, forming a slippery and trecherous path that felled Jersey Red and another member of the gang and sending them straight off the ship and into the murky waters below.

As Leonardo watched the pair paddle to safety, he saluted them.

“I’ve gotta give them credit, they litterally gave me the slip” he remarked.

Donatello finished off the remainder of the gang by blasting them face first with water from a nearby hose.

“Forgive my dry sense of humor, but you’re all washed up” Donatello said jubilantly.

Bebop, sensing the end was approaching, made preperations to leave.

“Rocksteady, c’mon” he hollared to his friend. Rocksteady, however, would not budge from his posisition at the crow’s nest.

He had leverage with which he could use to hold the Turtles at bay as long as he wished and he was reveling in the power he had within his grasp.

Michelangelo had carefully posistioned himself to the left of the hulking mutant and, forming the rope in his hand into a lasso, he prepared to make a move.

With careful aim and precision timing, Michelangelo latched the makeshift lasson onto to April. He tried to pull her out of Rocksteady’s grip.

Rocksteady, however, was’nt budging.

“Ha, what good are you gonna do with that? You don’t have any strength to hoist your reporter babe anywhere, you’re just a puny human” he said.

April tapped him on the shoulder

“So am I” she said, before elbowing him in the stomach and poking him in the eye. The distraction caused Rocksteady to loosen his grip and the lassoed April found herself thrown from the crow’s nest and into Michelangelo’s arms.

Rocksteady lost his balance and fell into the water below, Bebop dived in after Turtles watched them scarper back to dry land.

Once everyone was assembled, Donatello sprayed Michelangelo with a special spray containing a chemical that would serve as the antidote.

Michelangelo beamed as his human form reconfigured into his far more familiar outward apperance.

“I’m yours truly again” he said, urging his brothers to join him for a group hug

“This time it’s permanent” said Donatello.

“Turtle or human, you’re the greatest” a grateful April said

“You were freakishly fiesty yourself” said Michelangelo

“Made of steel remember?” April remarked.

“Yeah, you sure are” Michelangelo replied.

“And that means I’m tough enough to deal with whatever comes next with us” she said.

April leaned over to Michelangelo, her eyes full of sincerity and purpose, and pressed her lips passionatly against his.

The kiss wasn’t brief, it lasted a while, but for the two of them, the moment felt like a lifetime in the making.

Something so perfect, so natural, and so special, was happening and neither wanted to let go of what it was, nor forget all too easily what it meant.

April eventually, and carefully, pulled back, her face awash with jubilation. Michelangelo’s features were similar, only his cheers were bright red.

“What do you say? You want to try and make this work?” she said.

Michelangelo, still blushing from cheek to cheek, was unable to say a word

“Careful there April, stunts like that might turn him human again” replied Leonardo.

The now calm and tempered evening swiftly transitioned into the bustling and finetic day.

After a well-earned rest, and though their all-nigthter on the docks had forced them to sleep through the duration of the morning and throughout most of the afternoon, most of the Turtles all assembled at the table ready to make up for a lack of breakfast and lunch.

Most of the Turtles, but not all.

Once more, one was noticeably missing.

“Where’d Michelangelo go this time?” asked Raphael.

“He was up for most of the evening talking to April over on the Turtle ‘Com after she went home” replied Leonardo. “She insisted he get some shut-eye but he said he’d only manage it if she agreed to meet him on the roof of her apartment. He must have gotten up before the rest of us”

“I still can’t beleive she’s willing to go through with dating one of us, it just does’nt fit her character” Raphael remarked.

“It is a pretty big step for both of them” said Leonardo.

“Yeah, but Raph has a point…April used to think we were of two entirely different worlds” Leonardo argued.

Master Splinter, overhearing the conversation, chose to interceed with sage advise.

“It is a wise choice to walk in between worlds, but a braver act to bind those worlds together. Having faith and appreciation of your dearest friends can lead to many changes in the mind and the heart”

“Women changing their minds…average day for the species” remarked Raphael.

“I think Michelangelo had an altogether different reason for bailing early guys, he may have remembered what we had scheduled to eat today” said Donatello, carrying a piping hot pizza in for the Turtles to chow down on.

Leonardo inspected the food.

“Choclate Chip Pizza?” he replied.

“It’ll be a while before he has a craving for that again, all the more for me I guess” Raphael remarked, taking a slice and devouring it with considerable relish.

“I take it we won’t be saving him a slice?” said Donatello.

“Nah” both Leonardo and Raphael said in hasty unison.

Meanwhile, back at April’s apartment, an exhausted and deflated April made her way up to the room of the building, where, true to his word, Michelangelo was waiting for her, lazily slumped in a deck chair wearing shades, looking out at the steadily setting sun.

“How’d the day go?” he said.

“I’ll let you know when my bulletin’s due in about two hours, I can’t stay here long”

“Hey, no rush, I’m a Turtle, it’s our natural instinct to take things slow and easy” Michelangelo replied.

“Just so you know, Thompson had to edit my piece. He thought it was best I not mention you guys”

“He can cover up the facts just like that?” Michelangelo replied, slightly annoyed.

“He thought I was joking, he said there’s no way you guys would be hindering that gang, but would probably be helping them. He’s never given any of you their fair due”

“So how do you explain what happened with the gang? That they turned themselves in? That they surrendered as soon as they caught wind of a siren?”

“The authorities picked up my mayday on the ship, that’s as far as he’s willing to let me travel with that end of the story” April explained.

“So we do all the work, and you’re left with the credit. Smooth dudette” Michelangelo realized, leaping out of the seat, grabbing April’s hips and hoisting her up in the air, giving her a twirl.

“You’re not mad?” said April excitedly.

“No way, now the whole city will know just what you’re made of, kind of like I already do” he said.

Putting April down, the two walked over to the edge of the roof to take in the view of the city and the setting sun.

Michelangelo wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and gently kissing the back of her neck.

“Comfortable there babe?” he asked.

April stroked the side of his cheeks gently with her right hand.

“Sure, but I’m more glad you’ve learned how to be comfortable in your own skin” she said with a reassuring smile.

Side by side, the two friends, now something more, watched the sun set on the first day of the rest of their lives.

Advertisements

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-So Long, No Thanks For All The Fish (PDF)

logoanim

The Turtles travel to Texas to answer the pleas of a young boy whose father has vanished…only to find themselves in the midst of a land dispute, old enemies, and fearsome fish from beyond the depths of Dimension X!

Link

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-The Zoo At The Edge of the Cage

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES:

THE ZOO AT THE EDGE OF THE CAGE

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


Note: Just a fluff piece set in the universe of my ten book TMNT novella series; feel free to check those fics out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/157179/Zarius


Irma probably shouldn’t have been so harsh judging Donatello the night before. For putting his work ahead of her.

He had just completed work on his Bio Tan system, a device capable of giving you the searing sensation of an inward tanning experience that would stay with you for a four month cycle. Ideal for wintery conditions.

He was entitled to go out with his brothers and celebrate.

She knew she had needs of her own, needs that men in her life needed to fill, but she had to be honest with herself. She wasn’t living with a man. She was living in a Zoo.

And in a Zoo, many creatures keep to themselves rather than keep to humans, even if it’s the human’s job to look after them.

She knew Donatello cared for her, but so many distractions had come between them, such as A.P.E, trying to play catch up with his brothers, and depending on her to be there with a nice hot meal and a reluctantly warm face, and not expected to demand why he’d been out so late or question what he’d been up to.

She felt like a proper Shirley Valentine sometimes. Taken for granted by her man, or mutant, and needed some alone time to reflect on a side she felt had been caged for so long.

Caged in the Zoo.

She was supposed to be at A.P.E today filing up a psychological assessment of Donatello for the community, but she felt there had been enough instances of her doing someone’s dirty work. She was going to spend this day with her mutant and try to inject a little bit of ‘Shirley’ into her surely dour lifestyle so far. Don’s hunt was over; it was time to relish in his dependable prize.

So she had come to the lair to surprise Donatello, who was working on a few new devices for the team. When she arrived at the lab portion of the lair, she found it empty.

She took a gander at his notes, some of it was ramblings about cross universal inversions, another was trying to tell the difference between stream of consciousness writing and a set plan, and investigating why human beings never seem to create logical or satisfying follow-ups or massive pay-offs to years of slow build-up in arc driven storytelling.

She wondered aloud if he was trying to tell a theoretical God or whoever was in charge of their destinies to stop insulting their intelligence and trying the patience of whatever audience he was trying to satisfy in controlling their destinies.

Irma shook up the philosophical urges and waltzed around the lab, looking at the devices. In a way, this was the cage at the edge of the Zoo. With machines designed to create maximum comfort and capability for himself and his brothers, and in doing so, help them fight the good fight against the usual crop of crooks.

Several noises made her turn. Instinctively, she followed them to its source, heading out of the lab, and indeed, out of the lair.

She recognized instantly where the noises were emanating from. She and April had discovered that watering hole a mere seven days earlier, back when Raph was feeling blue, while the one that usually wears blue, Leonardo, was feeling quite chirpy and bordering on sheer bursts of overconfidence.

She walked over and there they were. Three of the four Turtles.

Leonardo, Raphael, and Donatello. Masks off, weapons and belts scattered across the concrete surrounding the hole and the sandbags encircling it, playing happily in the waters. To Irma’s relief, Raphael seemed in brighter spirits than he was a week or so ago.

“Irma, what a surprise, I thought you were heading to work?” said Donatello, his arms folded behind his head as he comfortably dipped in the waters, his toes outstretched and playfully curling up.

“Oh I’ll GO Ape if I have to stomach those brown-nosers for another all day mostly all night notebook bender” said Irma

“I can’t help but feel that whole thing with the Diamond heist mystery last week was just one big anti-climax. Is that how life works?” asked Raphael, “At the end of it all, we caught them in the act of delivering the goods, but the cops brushed off how they were receiving them, there wasn’t much mystery to it. Just a heart hand shake, a good profile of us for the news and that was it. It’s only a string of big, important things you let linger and build in your head, and then when the time comes to bring it all to order, it’s as matter-of-fact and less sensational than you want it to be?”

“Sometimes we try to over complicate people’s motives so much that we just don’t see how basic they can be. We set ourselves up for disappointment that way” said Leonardo

“Life and soul you are” Raphael replied

“Hey, at least I’m not trying to sap the soul out of the party like you did last week” said Leonardo

“Hey, don’t let your thriving dating success with that Asian broad make you so giddy that you can judge my moods. You know why I was down last week. It was the day Crys-Mu took one for the team and saved us all”

Leonardo composed himself and dashed over to Raphael, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry Raph, you’re perfectly right, I am too confident at the moment, and it’s allowing in some arrogance. I should have clear sight, especially since I have to lead by example”

“So where’s April and Mikey then?” asked Irma

“Covering a story at the Zoo. Someone’s been leaving diamond-tipped fangs in the mouths of outback snakes that have been brought in”

“Oh, diamonds again…hey, maybe that’s where the Diamond smugglers were getting the diamonds FROM” said Irma. “Someone at the Zoo must have connections, they go into the Zoo at night, break into the snake’s cages, remove the diamond-tipped fangs, forge them back into proper diamonds, and then deliver them to the employer”

“See? Connect a dot, then all you need do is connect it to us four, good call Irma” complimented Raphael

Irma blushed, “Oh, think nothing of it guys”

Donatello rose up from the water and grabbed a towel, “Want to come back to the lab with me when lunch is over and done with? I have some great theories I’d like to share with you on the deconstruction of stream of consciousness structure”

“I sort of noticed that when I was browsing your lab, but…really? Lunch? We’re having lunch? Wait, was I supposed to get that? I can never separate errands from entertainment where you guys are concerned anymore”

“Oh no Irma, I took the liberty of getting the food this time, I figured you could do with a break after all you’ve put up with from me over the last few months”

“Oh Donny, you DO have my needs firmly in mind! C’mere you” Irma said, beaming with joy, she ran over to Donatello and hugged him, forgetting that he had yet to really dry himself off.

“Oh poo, now I’m all wet. That probably sounded better in my head than coming out of my mouth”

“Hey no worries Irma plenty of time to let that dry off and have some fun at the same time” said Raphael

“Yeah, the offer from last week still stands, why don’t you join us?”

“It’s not exactly past the watershed” said Irma

“Who can tell? It’s a fanfic” said Raphael.

“I think she simply means she’s not exactly one for the watershed” said Leonardo, “It’s ok Irma, you don’t have to come in el natural, but I think it would lift the weight of the last few weeks clean off your shoulders”

“I’d listen to his advice Irma; we’re all in a good place these days, it’s best to revel in those days while we can”

Irma bit her lip tight and twiddled her fingers. Finally, she conceded defeat

“Well…Oh all right” she said

“Great, I’ll go get the Pizzas” said Donatello, kissing Irma on the cheek

“You’re going to eat and swim at the same time? Isn’t that a bit hazardous health wise” Irma said

“Standards and practices don’t count for much in free-form literature”

“Oh it’s perfectly safe Irma, so long as you take one of these” said Leonardo, giving Irma a veil of pills.

“Donatello’s invention. Just take two and it’ll clear of your body of contractions after you chow down”

“You know, I reckon I’ll pass on a Pizza. If you’re going to look at my body, it’s going to be a trim one, cut off from as many calorie casseroles as possible”

Irma set about undressing, and when Donatello returned with the food, his face froze into a priceless and awkward expression at the sight of his girlfriend freed from her dapper and unassuming bookworm guise, with her glasses off her hair allowed to cascade down, she looked a sizzler.

“Suddenly I don’t feel that hungry…at least for food” said Donatello, his heart melting.

As the four individuals played about in the water, only two of them now chowing down on the feast before them, Irma snuggled up to Donatello, wrapped her arms around him and rubbed his nose with hers.

She knew his needs, and the best news all day for her was she knew how much he appreciated her for it.

She allowed him to natter on about his theories on the deconstruction of stream of consciousness. And her thoughts flooded back to earlier.

She knew the feelings of being trapped in a cage of sorts would crop up again, it always happens in moments of weakness, but so long as there was a zoo like this at the edge of the cage, she could afford the luxury of spending jail time in it.

TMNT-Spin That Wheel

SPIN THAT WHEEL
Or, “What If TMNT Were More Like The Thick Of It and VEEP?”
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
________________________________________
DISCLAIMER: TMNT is trademarked by Nickelodeon, The Thick of It is trademarked by the BBC. This parody fanfic is for non-profit purposes only
Note: Ok, for the uninitiated, The Thick of It is a political satire comedy series which starred Peter Capaldi (of Doctor Who fame) as Malcom Tucker. It inspired a movie called In The Loop and led also to the cult HBO political comedy VEEP. This is an attempt at taking the first season of the original TMNT animated series and developing it as if it were happening within the tightrope UK political system


Department of Associated Spin For Onorthodox Original Trendsetters (DASFOOT)
LONDON


“Here’s what you want to hear Sensei, I’ll spin it to your satisfaction, so in the very instance you hire me for being able to give you convincing rope to hang me on in one of your spiteful afternoons tinkering with what to send your mates via e-mail on the off chance you choose to toss me to the curb, in this very instance you hire me for this, you also get to play a part in our family drama once again, so you replace the “son, I told you so” stare on your complexion with “son, I am there for you and my words carry great weight”. Ready? Here it goes: I don’t understand this” said Raphael as he slouched backwards in the chair opposite his mentor Hamato Yoshi in the main offices of DASFOOT, “I can’t write this, I sure as shell can’t say it.I am a rubber bullet. I will bounce off everyone and they will not feel a thing. I’ll be resigning before resignations become the hot topic of this department seven years well off from now”

“I would counter that by saying , on a private record and even a public one, that those were unwise words” said Yoshi as he sipped his mug of soothing herbal tea, “And I would remind you and any who listened to my proposed answer that one must always remember the path you were placed on”

“The path I was placed on was a POND Sensei, sitting all day chewing on fucking leafs expecting Kermit the Punk Frog to start belting out rainbow connections like a fanny”

“Everything after your genesis is important” continued Yoshi

“Did you ever see me in that University class? I was bawling my fucking eyes out thinking a bunch of alien greys were mincing with me. ‘Alien Abduction’ as the Grant Morrisons of this world go on about, take a few steps down a hill and you have enlightenment, bull and cock you do, high as a kite they were. You know those 80s yankie drug ads where the boy goes “you’re a turkey?”, that’s me, right gobbledygook I was typing up in there, my mind was going through a right royal bollocking all because of the expectations you were placing on me. Fucking embarrassing that. I have no education in this field. Zero”

“In time, you will run your course. All you need is a solid foundation to form a footstep” continued Yoshi, happy to keep playing the game of spin and counter-spin.

“They passed me out of pity, probably afraid I’d cave in and top myself. Could have done that you know” Raphael continued, staring out at the huddled pool of lively bodies at work in the department cubicles outside of the main office, oblivious to his private pain

“..Back there in the mincing hospital, there was a window open where the telly room was. I almost popped out, would have been a breeze to have a breeze knocking me over, better than staying here listening to your zen fucking nick lowe shite”
“You long for home, it is written in your eyes. Home is where the first steps were taken, perhaps it is where you will flow forward from also” continued Yoshi, taking a soothing sip from his mug of hot tea.

“The same damp den where either science rules, or surf’s up, or where “fearless leader” comes up with another excuse to play renascense man and cosplays as a fucking Musketeer? I signed up with your department to play the right kind of pool, they want to play in the kiddie shallow end so badly they’d make Rolf Harris red with impatience”

The pair were swiftly interrupted by a bespectacled woman with long hair tied back in a bun wearing a bright blue turtleneck sweater.

“You might want to switch over to 24 guys. There’s been another break-in, and a reporter was attacked”
“24? They haven’t called BBC News that in years, you still living that golden year of 2003 where that wanker musician gave you that sweater, which probably passed for a blanket for his fucking knitted cats?”

The woman tugged at her sweater ever so slightly, a cross expression on her face. She turned and stormed down the corridor of the main DASFOOT hub muttering small insults pertaining to Raph under her rather audible breath.
Raphael followed her out, as he did, he bumped into an unnerving individual in a pink collar shirt, brown braces attached to his unflattering patchy brown trousers. He stumbled with his words and fiddled with his touchpad, bringing up a website.
“What are you looking up Vernon ?” asked Yoshi as Vernon took the seat Raphael had been sitting in.

“For the record, I am never going to get used to that giant thing lounging around the office.” he said

“If it sooths your shaken soul, I am requested he spend time with his family” said Yoshi, “Now tell me, what are you looking for?”

“Trying to find if Baxter’s program started trending. We had to divert some funding over from the housing project to fund a fraction of it, I just hope it’s made the ’rounds”

“If it hasn’t, we can always try again in another few months, this is a project that does not lose traction” said Yoshi
“What do you bloody care? You don’t see a problem with rodents. If you did, the pet you keep in your cage over there would be the first thing fed to Baxter’s boys”

“Not every problem can be handled with as much care as I give my pet problems” said Yoshi, getting up from his desk and taking a few crumbs of leftover chocolate biscuit over to a rodent encased in a hamster cage. It disembarked from it’s treadmill and stayed anchored to the spot as the crumbs of biscuit were dropped into the cage via the small gaps in the grid surrounding the cage.

“Shit, not even in the recommended stories files. Chris Fish was right, nothing we send out on this issue will matter to anyone. Ever. I bet even Baxter’s sodding manifesto is barely enough to cover two pages. Christ, we’re going to have to cut the funds or the project, and I know that fucker Burne will be wanting the latter”

“Results are never immediate, that is a concern of the national press with our affiliated parties” said Yoshi
“You’re well keen to spread some tender loving mercy to a fucking flat-liner of a project” remarked Vernon as he stared upwards at the spinning fan above.

Raphael observed the television in the center of the room playing out a live news report relating to a recent attack on an American news reporter investigating robberies from three scientific departments. She had asked what many of the stolen devices
“Listen to this guy, it’s magic. A fucking classic this” said the bombastic Burne Thompson to Raphael as they watched the news report cover the journalist’s archive of interviews with top scientists at the institutes that were burgled

“They acquired two positronic accelerators, four reverse polarity indicators, and one sideway generator”

“What does all this equipment do?”

“I have absolutely no idea”

Burne laughed coldly, “That’s exactly why I’m looking to cut these departments. Big words fed to the wrong guys, a principle example of poor media communication relations. Who needs to yank them off the stage when they’re hanging themselves free of charge?”

“Suddenly I don’t feel like the lone voice in the fucking wilderness” said Raphael, nudging Thompson, “Might as well call Baxter and give him the good news we’re freezing the project. He’ll assume like a paranoid putz that it’s because of the robberies”

“We’ll formerly announce the closures this coming Thursday, how does that sound?” said Thompson

“Try and make it a 6 o’clock deadline, no way is BBC Breakfast sparing time to the announcement of that Bond movie”
“Are you going to pay attention to the rest of the news cast?” said the bespectacled woman, folding her arms, “This is the second time they’ve ran the story on the channel, and you have’nt gotten to the good stuff yet”

“Like what?”

“Like her saying she was saved from a mob by a Ninja” said Irma, “And it fits your handsome mug”

“I was held up in the Hilton hassled about on the telephone by a media buzzard trying to egg me to go on Question Time, eyewitnesses and everything, how the hell could I have been there? Oh god, that has to mean one of our band of brothers played knight in shitting armor”

“She claims she heard Yoshi’s name dropped during the attack, she wants to arrange a meeting with you, your sensei, and the family. All in one room. She says she wants to help, she’s afraid her eyewitness account has implicated your family in the thefts…”

“And you happened to fucking schedule it” Raphael said

“I wasn’t going to, but you did make fun of my sweater” she said

“Irma…you’re way more knitted than your fucking sweater, you’re the kind who’d fucking bake it it in a cake if a former pop star giant with no willy came to you with an appointment. Anything to spite a bloke with a chip on their chin” Raphael cussed.
Irma waved to him as she turned her back and headed for the water fountain to the left of the swing doors

Burne put a hand on Raphael’s shoulder, “Cheer up lad, this is your first real attempt at spin at last, remember how that song goes…I keep going to the river to pray…”

“See me Burne? Yeah, my vote sent that one OFF the X-Factor. Don’t be like me”


SEVERAL DAYS LATER


“They’re thinking of doing away with double jeopardy, you hear about that?” said Leonardo as his brothers huddled around the quiet office littered with novelty paintings, herbs, spices and half torn pages of Ian Rankin Rebus novels, the stench of cigarette ash everywhere.

“What’s double jeopardy?” said Donatello, fidgeting with a rubix cube apprehensively

“It’s when you’re not capable of being convicted for two separate crimes if you’ve only been charged for one, and one of those crimes on your end is not listening to a fucking word I’ve been saying” said Raphael as he stormed into the office, snatched the cube from Donatello’s hands and threw it in the bin

“Hey, what was that for? I was attentive. Sharp and alert” said Donatello

“These things have been around since the fucking stone age, back when computers and mobiles were made out of fucking bricks and where people wore shells all their owns for suits, don’t pay attention to the cashed checks of the past, your maximum port of power is now”

“He’s just being curious, his sort usually are, that’s what leads to inventions from him, that’s all how he gets things done” said Leonardo in defense of his brother

“What does yapping about the pigs on this concrete farm contribute to what ought to be a fucking spot-on topic?” asked Raphael

“I’m trying to make some sense of the world we’re living in. Your world” said Leonardo, “We all share it”

“Keep your faggot friendly ‘all is shared and connected’ with the dodgy Wonga ladies”

Raphael noticed the most youthful of the group in terms of energy and attitude, Michelangelo, walking in with the subject of the meeting

“What’s he doing with her?” he asked

“Oh we sent Mike ahead to pick her up” said Donatello

“They sound like they’re having a laugh”

“They were having a drive actually. Took a selfie while taking the van out for a spin”

“It’s not on his Facebook is it?”

“We shouldn’t do any form media…we shouldn’t technically be doing this” said Leonardo

The lady, attired head to toe in a yellow jumpsuit, and Michelangelo, wearing slacks over his legs with braces attached to his shell, both waltzed into the office

“Sorry I’m late guys, April O’Neil, Channel Six; traffic held me up, then the Sony hacks leak broke so they got me covering the entertainment area to get their perspective on pulling The Interview”

“Yeah, brilliant strategy from Korea…look everyone, Angela’s a brat and James Franco is responsible for Sony’s biggest disaster than that Spider-Man movie where he wasn’t the fucking Goblin” snarked Raphael.

“Well shall we ease us in with the friendly formalities like I did with Mike here, or should I cut things down as cold and calmly as possible?” she said

“Perhaps we should wait for our master, it is who she expects to see” said Leonardo

“Oh no, I’m keeping the line here” said Raphael, “We’re not going up and down recounting our birthday to fucking banana trousers over here”

“Watch it dude” said Michelangelo, “She really wants to help, and I think April here has a good campaign prepped”

“You were behind those robberies” said April.

Raphael looked at Michelangelo, “When you’d concoct this strategy? Four fucking Twenty?”

“Look, I want to help you guys, but that’s what my editors want to run with, not me, they say If I don’t get to see your ‘sensei’ is it? And put him on the spot, I have to run with that story. You guys fight like ninjas, ninjas are behind most of these ‘tech robberies, and I heard one of my attackers use the name ‘Saki’, which, if I recall correctly from my research, has a history or so with Yoshi”

“Can I just impart a little bit of wisdom, and by little, I mean something of grander proportion than the average side of a Turtle’s cock…Hamato Yoshi is no giant rat of Sumatra, he is a mouse in a maze, and he can’t find the cheese, because I’ve eaten it. Put it on a fresh pizza-whoosh-away. Like that. All he’ll give you is the scoop, you can’t spin anything, that’s why he’s caught me up to do the deeds in these case by case scenarios…if you try to publish that story, I promise you will emerge from it in a manner befitting a bum nursing his wounds with the water piling in from the sodding sewers”

“Is that a threat?”

“No, it’s a fucking Jane Austen novel. You took a picture. A pretty little picture”

“Actually, I did” said Michelangelo.

“He did. And he’s got a Facebook. The only one of us four, shrouded as we are, to be thick enough to put one up. No photos. As yet. But I’ve got two things, a selfie, and selfishness”

April caught on to what he meant

“You’ll put it up”

“And implicate you. As a playdate”

“You’ll expose yourselves just to make it look like I’m in league with you”

“You want to try and sell us a different story? One that doesn’t work around your chosen perimeters?”

“You don’t have the balls”

“I don’t need the balls, I’ve got a cock that’s like a wrecking ball and I know people like you just can’t resist netting it in the hole”

“You’ll publish the photo, and then suggest I’ve SLEPT with one of you?” realized April

“Won’t that make good human interest. Probably get the creationists all peeved too. It’ll take their penniless eyes off of the morality cow known as “Gary and Steve”, the slogan for your type will be “Shells lead to hell”

“You’re a bastard” said April

“No, I’m your lifeline, work with us, or be worked, that’s how it’s spun with my department” said Raphael

April elbowed Michelangelo

“This is your fault” she said

“Does that mean our date is cancelled?”

“…Not on Skype it isn’t”

“You have Skype too? How are we…at all…concealed from the public when we’re drifting online and in here?”

“I wear my facial on the chats…she thinks it’s a turn on” Michelangelo said

“Pipe down” April muttered

This was music to Raphael’s ears.

“Oh…oh so you ARE fucking then? And here I thought ‘a little bit of truth so they always believe the lie’, but we’re talking full disclosure now? Aw you and your big fucking gorgeous mouth Mike”

“Ok, ok, no Yoshi, but I need to track down who’s causing these robberies. You…you Turtles, creatures…guys, bastards, whatever, going to tell me anything?”

“We’d be happy to help Ms. O’Neil” said Leonardo, “Maybe it’s best we tell you our side of the story, perhaps we ought to grow with this experience and take charge of our own destiny”

“Pick your own adventure with Leonardo, just land on any pages where you meet a grizzly end, I’ve reserved page 69 for a fucking leak” said Raphael.


SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
JANUARY 2015


Burne stepped out of the taxi, his foot stepping into a puddle which seemed far too deep for the curb it was placed on. Even with a drain nearby. Nature, it seemed, was conspiring against him, determined to make his day as problematic as possible.
New Year had not long sprung, and with it the usual issues atop key problems. The news had become dominated by recent tragedies abroad, which had taken the focus off of a cycle of repetitious coverage of policies from the opposing parties in the run-up to the general election. On top of that, there had been fresh complications arising from the closure of the Stockman programme. He had been recruited by an anonymous third party and implicated in the attack on April O’Neil’s apartment complex. His mousers having raised it to the ground

Burne was now trying to maintain damage control, on the phone to his peers in the party.

“Look, can we please just get her a house that does not have some kind of party project attached to it? No constituency wall, no renovation promises, It’ll make her look like she’s part of the agenda” Burne spoke over the phone, “Just strip it down to the apple core…”

He paused briefly while the other end of the phone spoke for a bit.

“I am not the worm wriggling about in the center. Don’t use resignation analogies on me. I know full well what the implications are. No…well, yes, well…no and yes, I cannot commit to resignation until a month-long span has passed, I need to wait it out so everyone can get their bearings. I’ve always wanted to work more in news anyway….”

As Burne entered the offices of DASFOOT, he was greeted by people in the party needling him like a bunch of anxious schoolchildren. Someone even threw a crumpled piece of paper at him and very gingerly sliding back into his seat, which he spun around in a delighted whirly motion.

“Oh yes Gallows, twist and turn like you’re on the fucking Magic ‘Roundabout, it’ll be time for bed pretty soon given how lazy you royal fucks are” Burne yelled.

“You’d be best to thaw yourself out Ice Man, ‘least I throw my feet into the fire and burn you like Baxter did” Gallows taunted.
Burne sat down at his desk and stared up at the tiled roof of the offices, playing a game of mental shapes with the walls, making each line in the tiles out to be some sort of cross from which he would be crucified on.

“Anyone got urinal information?” asked Irma as she stepped two-and-fro and sideways from her desk.

“What the fuck are you doing?” asked Burne

“Line-dancing. I used to do it on Wednesday, then it got moved up to Tuesdays, but I’m working around then stuck with the coalition of cubicles, so I have to settle for the old day, and it just so happens I work this day too, so you must all suffer for my art”

“What’s this about urinal information?” asked Vernon

“It’s not a girl thing, so don’t expect your curiosity to be piqued by what goes on in our privates with our privates” said Irma, “Something I picked up from Raphael, anytime the big wigs who are taking a stand in the elections take a stand in the toilets, he eavesdrops on what they’re exchanging to one another while slashing and then sends it up to me to take notes of. Raph is off today, so I need someone to take his spot there. Obviously I can’t do it because the dicks are attached to all the heads”

“Put someone in there that leaks more than pee” said Vernon. “Crass joke there I know, just trying to matter on a Wednesday for once”

“Stick Burne in there, so we can see what frozen urine is like” said Gallows

“Oh leave him alone, you don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s resigned, that’s your problem” said Irma, walking up to Burne and putting a hand on his shoulder

“Pay them no mind Mr. Thompson” she said, “You want to try line-dancing? I might stick some music on next”
“Please make it running tracks cut, Burne needs to empty the physical fridge he’s carrying” sneered Gallows
“Now you are just bang cock out of order” snapped Irma.

“Oh go bang-A-Cock Langestien; I know that’s a rare feat for someone who hasn’t tried it since 1987”
“Can we please get off this subject?” said Burne

“Oh I can get off alright, easiest thing to accomplish”

“You’re really bringing the week down; I’ll have you know Thursday is the start of my weekend”

“Then how am I ruining YOUR week if it’s only a three-day stint?”

“All this bathroom humour is putting me right off my dinner” replied Irma, “Forget I said anything”

“Retcon your personal time stream, gonna need a big DeLorean for that, try riding Burne, he’s known to freeze up whenever he comes back from the stone age”

“I’m sorry Mr. Thompson” said Irma, close to tears, “I think I’ll definitely put a track on”

“That’s fine Irma…it’s just…Baxter’s in the asylum now, cutting his project drove a man to insanity, how do I live with myself even in the wake of a resignation? Do I take up the moral crusade and try to redeem him in whatever paper I’ll end up running?”

“You can always try campus ‘sheets, give the youth an impression, give them a voice” replied Irma

“Yeah, so long as they don’t squeak because their beach-sized balls have yet to fly past the ‘net and drop” continued an ever so sly Gallows.


SEVERAL DAYS LATER


“Wow, that was quite the blizzard…really odd conditions given the time of year” said Irma as she looked outside of her office window.

“It’s March, what else do you expect?” said Vernon.

“I remember the 2012 heat wave we had”

“Do people catalog the years as they advance in age?”

“I have a top ten” said Irma

“Really? Who hosts it? Jimmy Saville?”

Raphael waltzed in with a phone attached to his ear.

“The weather may have been a bit unpredictable for a couple of hours, but there’s no need to be slapping ASBOs on the kids involved in the skirmish at the arcades, all facts point to them sort of letting my brother get close to the device…”
“Bad huh?” said Irma as Raphael took one step through the doors of his office with a rather intimidating and grim imprint on his face, slowly stretching his lounge slightly towards the inside of his cheek and matching her eyes with his trying to intimidate her into averting her gaze.

“Put yourself in his shoes for a bit you tit, his brothers just saved us from a freak weather control device, but prior to that they were throwing their lot in with those weird Neutrino lads and lassies all over the fucking joint. The minute they saw a Burger King in the train stations, they pissed about more than the tramps do down there” explained Vernon, taking the butt-end of a pencil eraser and chewing it off.

“They were supposed to be from another dimension…so wouldn’t they have to pass some sort of immigrant red tape?”
“Oh that’s all we fucking need isn’t it, Little Ms. Cloudy with a Chance of No Balls?” snapped Raphael as he put the phone down, “Pay attention to the details of late rather than gallivanting off to your shitty line dancing classes right after you spend five hours staring at a blank or blue computer screen working out what the on/off buttons do to symbolize your own catastrophic sex life. Farage ditched the decision to reduce net immigration, he wants future plans for that to focus on the highly-skilled, I’m trying to save the Neutrinos some face in this country should they decide to stay in it, their top-level flying fucking Cadillac, you know the ones from that dated fucking Milky Way ads they run all the time, are a class example of finesse that we can use to justify their stay and more importantly, their ongoing function”

Another call came in, Raphael picked it up.

“Hello? Leo, yeah…What do you mean they tailed it back to their home dimension? Where the hell are you at the moment?” said Raphael, grabbing one of the pencils and chewing the back end of it right off and spitting it back on the floor.
“You’re in a giant ball with one eye? Yeah, a few pints at the YMCA will guarantee you that, c’mon be serious here, you just saved the fucking city…when…”

Raphael slowly bit his lip tensely as the details came in

“Listen ‘fearless leader’, do you have any idea what dropping those kids in and then seeing them out does to the immigration net debates? Nobody can debate anything without keeping track of the numbers, they can’t make caps or targets, and now they’re trying to spin this as people in this sad sack being bored of the trend. Not that hard to see their point either, it’s been swamped by people having more digs at how close the SNP are getting to fucking Labor. We have to make this a priority, to make it look as if these kids and others like them are somehow worth the net migration”

“Hang on, are you actually siding with fucking UKIP?” said Vernon, a little panicked

“I’m just appropriating a dead issue, nothing’s ever wasted” said Raphael

The conversation came to an end and Raphael stared out at the window, marveling at a massive yellow and black aura in the sky

“To think, snow, and thunder, and lightning, all coming out of the arse of a scientific instrument rather than God…and they’ll still spin it as something of divine intervention, just to be fair sports. That’s what this immigration net back-and-forth is. It’s Tennis. We’re batting the ball to each other and doing things with it, transfixing everyone, keeping the issue firmly in sight, it’ll never get boring, it’ll take on a life of it’s own, ’cause there is life attached to this issue, and because of that, it will always have some sort of beat, we just need to make that pulse a lot stronger”

“So….big ball and one eye?” said Irma
“No idea what that means…but…I feel it’s a good analogy for the situation. One guy’s ball drops; another grows a big one, and keeps one trained gaze on the slip ups”


APRIL 2015


“So how do you think it’s going in there?” asked Vernon to April as she worked on polishing her fingernails, “You reckon he’ll bring up the Daily Mail story by with Mildband over the giant brain attack thing? I mean, It’s not exactly the most harmonious article out there though is it? It…it GOES places. Tries to project this mental image of a dim and dapper chap fornicating in the bedroom, twisting his little knife into a woman.Kids can read it you know. They might want to reference it in essays in schools. It’s the contemporary alternative to doodling dicks on the beards of Matthew from Sooty

“Oh my god, that DID happen to you didn’t it?” April said, realizing why Vernon seemed so familiar to her.

“Pardon?”

“Vernon, we went to school together, Kinder-garden”

“We don’t call it Kinder-garden here, it’s Primary”

“Well, ok, that too. But I was on a stateside exchange programme for a couple of weeks, you were the lad that kept putting crayons on the radiator and bringing in all those outdated Look-In annuals to class thinking people were the slightest bit interested. I remember when you brought that Superman annual”

“Please tell me you weren’t the one to tepex that enormous dong on his underpants”

“You seemed well up for it” she said.

“Well you ought to know, given your preference for giant Turtle shlong” Vernon replied, “You HAVE seen that scientifically accurate video haven’t you? Went viral after your relationship got leaked out over the media”

“You reckon that’s why Raph sent me over here?” April asked

Raphael casually walked back out of Hamato Yoshi’s office, clutching in his hand a newspaper. Yoshi quietly followed him out
“Right, you two, pay attention, I’m going to read this little piece out later. You on the other hand sensei? You’ve got a fucking floodgate about to open the minute you step through that door. Scurry away now. You’ve found the cheese, now cut it open in front of the wafting farts”

“You are excelling at this” said Yoshi, “I am proud of your progress. A bold step leads to a bold front”

“Yeah, you’re bold alright, like that detergent that covers you in fucking hives. You put this entire party at risk, you put our immediate family at risk trying to spend the party funding on rehabilitating Stockman, he goes off on one of his episodes and thinks he can just drive a massive tunnel beneath the streets looking for rats. He comes storming into the sewer network like the knob from Kick-Ass. No, no, when I said to you, I wasn’t good at this, I meant it, I’m not good enough to protect YOU, you of all people. So now I have to be more shrewd, and I can’t do that when my great failure is sitting here, trying to get the humanitarian thing done. To think, in any other situation, that would make you a hero to me. Well now, look this one up. Yo, banana raincoat, quote me”

“This is why you brought me in?” April asked

“Quote me. Right now”

April took out her microphone and recording equipment and casually walked up to the intimidating Turtle.
I’m one of four. Collect them all. We’re all toys. We’ve all been played with, if you’re watching this, you probably have felt played too. They say ‘never meet your heroes’, well, they’d be right.

The heroes you meet? See, in here, in their heads, they think they are heroes, they think they’re the law, they think their word is God, they think its High Noon all of the time, and that’s not what you need in your life, you don’t need to contend with a hero, you need to contend with the people around you, the people closest to you. Your community at large.

This is Britain, we recently had to go through a referendum, our community was nearly splintered, but we persevered. Some people think we’re all ok with that. Nice happy family, but we have a little something you cannot easily insult, and that’s our intelligence. Intelligence is everywhere. Why? Because it fucking LEAKS, and when it leaks, that’s when everyone thinks “Oh, we’re all heroes, we’ll all rise up from the under-carriage, we’ll all be somebody. Show the fat cats what Joe Public can do. We give them a little helping hand, what do they repay us with? Riots. Anarchy. You can’t feed them anything but droplets.

This, this MOUSE here? This is Hamato Yoshi, and he’s being forced to resign because he dared to feed someone something that I told him he couldn’t personally find. He reached out and told someone to eat the cheese. He doesn’t have any, and he takes time and money out of our pockets to try and scurry along trying to make it all flow one way, the right way. That’s not what we’re about. You know what way we look? The opposite way, we look to the actual opposition, and think ‘that’s exactly the kind of situation they’d bugger up’, they’re the rats, they scurry everywhere without taking the time to process it all. This department? We’re Turtles. In my case a literal one. We take it SLOW”

“You don’t want me to repeat any of this in the press do you?” April asked

“Color it up a bit” suggested Raphael

“I can only find two or three bullet points in that whole rambling speech, is that why you stuck that bit on at the end?” April continued

“The basics, aye” said Raphael, opening the door for Yoshi as he couldn’t open it himself due to carrying a box full of his personal effects.

“Come on, scurry off, don’t stand there just fucking waiting”

“That took…a lot of guts boss” said Vernon, “I mean..your own…”

“It was the only way I could spin it” said Raphael, “We were too quick, and it didn’t vanish without a trace. You can’t have Ninja politics in this field of expertise.

“Just a second, I have to take a call” April said, taking out her phone

“Mike, hi. Yeah I’m fine, I may be home a little early. What movie do you want to watch? It Came From Dimension X? You sure it’s a bit appropriate after the fight you had back home? What? Oh cut out the dire sex jokes, or I’ll come on you something fierce…no, no that wasn’t an innuendo. Christ Mike is this all that’s on your mind?”

“So life goes on for everyone” said Vernon, “You sure you’re alright?”

Raphael opened up the newspaper and read aloud from it

If the Mail’s story is to be believed, Miliband cared deeply for all the women he’s ever been involved with. This simply will not do. We cannot allow ourselves to vote in a prime minister who possesses the capacity for love. What if we find ourselves on the brink of all-out nuclear catastrophe and, when the time comes to nuke the Russians into outer space, our leader is off carving his wife’s initials into a tree or cooing over a YouTube video of some baby ducks?
He has killed his own political future. He strangled it to death with his willy. The man is a menace”

“Kids will read that” said Vernon.

“That last bit is what I’d love to see greet their faces on page three. Perfect way to bring their packed lunch right back up”
“So how do you reckon your first few months as spin doctor have gone down?” asked Vernon
“Isn’t it obvious? Like something you can dine on. Like soup”


THE END…FOR NOW

Link

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-Beat

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES:

BEAT

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Note: Yet another short story set in the world of my TMNT novella series. Read them if you want to catch up on some developments in this

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are trademarked by Nickelodeon. No profit shall be made from this


Bernard Flanagan checked to see if there were any flies hovering about.

The window to the left of him was open.

One would think something bigger flying in would annoy him, like a Pigeon.

But no, he was most paranoid about flies.

It was probably the fault of all the practice runs with the new molecular teleporter his folks were working on, the one powered by priceless razor-tipped diamonds, he didn’t want any bothersome buzzers getting in the way of the machine when it was powered up.

He’d seen one too many movies where the worst case scenario unfolded.

And he knew what kind of world he was living in.

A world that would entertain so many children on weekend morning if they so happened to tune in.

A world where crazy town bananas could run down the street curbs

Where giant androids could dismiss a skyscraper with a simple flick of the wrist

Where buildings could be levitated to great heights, come crashing back down, and conveniently slot back into their original place without crashing down in heaps of rubble and pillowed wisps of concrete.

So much of this world made sense, so much of it could frighten anyone who lived on the outside looking in experiencing life here for the first time.

He liked to think they could be entertained.

So that thought pacified him.

He would much rather simulate personal insecurity than be faced with a daily real reminder of actual insecurity. Pretending there was a saner world kept him, in turn, sane.

There was a knock at the door. Flanagan composed himself as one of his assistants opened that door, allowing a tall slender woman with a fine build, purple heels, mink skirt, and an emerald green sleeveless shirt to enter the premises.

“Ms. O’Neil, good to see you” said Flanagan from his chair as Channel Six reporter April O’Neil pulled up a chair of her own and placed a microphone and tape equipment out of the purse she was holding.

“Sorry it took me so long, I was covering the fight outside” April said.

“The f-fight?” asked Flanagan.

“Look out the window and peer down” said April

Flanagan rushed over to the open windows. Flies be darned, there was actual commotion going on, greater fears were being realized. Something important was going on. He suddenly had no time for small insecurities

He looked out at the sight on the street below.

Four colorful mutant amphibians clocking in a dazzling defense of the perimeter surrounding his building, pitted against fifteen or seventeen robotic Foot Soldiers.

One, in a blue bandana, spun feverishly around, cutting into the soldier’s heads with his twin Katana blades in a precise propeller motion.

Another, in red, swiped his sais left and right, severing the hands and fingers of some of the soldiers. At one point, he leapfrogged over one that was advancing on him, used two soldiers behind him as platforms for his feet, stood atop their heads, and dived into the last one following in line, plunging the sai deep into its chest, and then, with the sai still in place, used the Soldier as a battering ram against the ones he had leaped over and walked across.

Another, in purple, twirled his ridged bo staff around, two soldiers came forward and grabbed both ends of his stick, the Turtle jumped in the air, stood atop the staff, and with a swift kick to the chin of one of the two, sent it backwards, he walked over to the vacant side, lept off of the Bo, grabbed the end of it, snapped off the half, and plunged it into the chest of the one he had knocked aside, and then exchanged with the other solider in a battle of the bos.

Taking a brief break from the mock ‘swordplay’ on hand, this Turtle took a small capsule from his belt buckle, and applied a grey liquid to the splintered remains of the piece he was holding, when the bos clashed again, the piece slotted back into place, the Turtle hoisted the staff out of the soldier’s hands, and with a swift spin, decapitated the soldier with it

There was one other, more laid back, who simply perched the back of his shell on the ground, took out a grappling hook, shot the line around of the Foot Soldier’s legs,

“You have nothing to worry about Professor, the Turtles are professionals at holding evil at bay”

“Yes, you would know all about that wouldn’t you? I’ve seen you on some of your little play dates with them” noted Flanagan. “Your courage in the face of public criticism regarding those outings is admirable”

“Oh I’m quite the topic, which makes any story I cover a guaranteed spike in the ratings leads, so give a Turtle lover like me something to really attach myself to. Tell me what you can about the Spirited Mentality project”

“In detail?” asked Flanagan

“I work in news. Describe it like there’s the slightest chance the sky will start falling, we want the anti-Illuminati types staying vigilant on tumblr”

Flanagan took off his glasses, breathed a little bit on them, polished them up with a napkin taken from his right pocket, put them on again, cleared his throat, and began

“There exists in our head very vivid pictures. Not just pictures. Purpose. A very clear vision for what could be. Places, people, not of memory, but of invention. We write about them, we can illustrate them, we can put the spoken word into their lips and we can animate their very movements…but the one thing we have never done, while we have a sense of true symbiosis with them in our mind’s eye, is never match them with our real eyes”

“Not getting the shakes here, put some fear into it” said April.

“My project will make all what you see in the mind’s eye come out and scare the clappers off of you” finished Flanagan

“Juicy” said April, “So your imaginary friend would be free for dates?”

Must you think about that trashy sort of press?” asked Flanagan

“We have an obligation to our sweethearts watching Professor ” said April.

“Ah, the young, exactly who I want to target with this…I want them to experience a face-to-face with their own personal muse, stare them right in the eye, and ask them ‘why haven’t YOU inspired me to get out and vote? And now that you have a physical presence…will you vote at all?'”

April groaned.

Everything these days was about election rates.

She slept-walked her way through the rest of the interview. She shouldn’t feel too bad, given that often had high ratings, but it simply wasn’t the audience she wanted for this segment.

Upon completing the interview, April walked out of the building to cover the fall out of the Turtles’ battle with the Foot Ninjas.

“How’d the interview go babe?” Michelangelo asked, kissing April on the cheek.

“Didn’t really have a beat to it, but it’ll work out well for a piece for our resident zero tolerance spinsters. That always has a big ratings figure. I should have been covering your tussle down here”

“Yeah, when you think about it, if we hadn’t intercepted the Foot when we did, your story would have proven more exciting” said Raphael, “Suddenly I feel there’s a down beat to this”

“A down beat to a beat down, how appropriate”

“But since they didn’t appropriate the device, you could say it’s an up beat beat up” joked Donatello.

“Cornballs” April said, smiling

“Now all we have to do is skip this beat before the cleaners come to sweep this mess off the streets” said Raphael

“Turtles, let’s make tracks” said Leonardo.

As the Turtles made their way to a nearby man hole, April grabbed Michelangelo by the arm,

“Not you mister, you’re buying me lunch, then you and I are going to work on combing out my hair”

“Are we going to have tea with Mrs. Nesbitt afterwards?” Michelangelo said, annoyed slightly at being invited to what he perceived as strictly gal activity, before giving in and following that up with something with sincerity attached to it

“…Because, like, the only baby doll required is you”

April’s eyes lit up and she smirked, placing a hand over her shoulder and stroke the edge of Michelangelo’s chin. She placed her hand firmly on his chest.

“See this?” she said, pointing at where her hand was placed and putting another hand on her own chest, “This beat you give me right here? That’s the one any story finds hard to top”