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Bob’s Burgers-Rude Health

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

RUDE HEALTH

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Disclaimer: Bob’s Burgers and all characters are trademarked by 20th Century Fox

Note: This fic is set after “The Kids Rob A Train”

Linda Belcher savoured the moment as her husband came downstairs; she approached him with a blindfold in hand and wrapped it around his head.

“Lin, is this really necessary?” he said

“Shush now Bobby, let the mystery tale hold” his wife replied, and shoved him into the kitchen.

“Are we in the kitchen? Lyn, I shouldn’t be blindfolded in here. What if I put my hand on the stove by accident?”

“Oh just keep your hands by your sides and I’ll tell you when you can raise them” suggested Linda as she put on a pair of mittens and opened up the oven door to take something out of it.

Bob heard something clatter down on a table, he was tempted to peek but opted not to.

Linda took the mittens off and took something off the tray she had removed from the oven and placed it beneath Bob’s nose.

“Ok, now we play the game” Linda said gleefully.

“What game Lin? I just got done playing this sort of thing” Bob said, referring to the wine tasting incident on the train they were only a few hours removed from.

Linda continued to dance merrily around Bob, hoping he would identify the aroma coming from the item in her hand.

“Come on, guess what it is and you’ll get a treat” Linda insisted.

“It smells…like a cow just had some minty perfume put on it. That is mint right? Yeah, yeah a hint of mint in there…Lyn, can’t I just taste it?” Bob asked

“Not just yet”

“Well whatever it is, it’s got your mint cream touch all over it…that probably came out wrong” Bob said.

“Well you clearly recognize my handiwork, alright Bobby, now you can taste it” Linda said, and stuffed the item in Bob’s mouth.

Bob felt a sweetening sensation as he chewed down.

“This is definitely a burger…but it tastes like it’s been dipped in the chocolate from the train” Bob said, “I licked some of that off the kid’s clothes when they went for a bath”

“You did? Oh that’s gross” said Bob and Linda’s young scallywag of a daughter Louise as she came into the kitchen with Tina and Gene.

“It wasn’t gross actually, it was mildly surprising…and mild is about as exciting as it gets for me” Bob said.

“So what are you screwing up for dessert this week Mom?” asked Louise.

“Kids, put these burgers out, they’re free for all the customers to take. There’s only seven or eight of them so you can only permit one to each that’s interested in them. That way it’s all fair” Linda instructed.

“Mom, I can’t, Rudy’s here. What if he takes a bite?” said Louise in protest.

“Great, that’ll be another treat for him then” said Linda

“You don’t understand Mom, Rudy has an allergic reaction to chocolate, he comes off in a rash” Louise explained.

“Aw my little angel’s worried about a boy Bobby” said Linda, leaning on Bob’s shoulder.

“Wow, it’s good to know you’re looking out for him” said Bob.

“Oh please, he totally took advantage of it. Little jerk pretended it was a fatal allergy” noted a ticked off Louise.

“He feigned death to remind us that life is worth living” added Tina.

“There is poetry in pranking” added Gene.

“Oh will you two shut up, he scared me senseless when he did that. So rude” snapped Louise.

“Aw, you were scared? And here I thought you liked that big boy Logan, or the member of that boy band” said Linda.

“Welcome a trinity of choice into your life dear sister” said Tina, “Let them occupy your every waking thought until they too tire out, that is when you turn to the flock of Zombies, so they can take up the burden of your worn-down head”

“I don’t think of Rudy that way” protested Louise.

“What did I tell you about waiting for the right age to start thinking a bit clearer about these things?” said Linda.

“Oh pipe down, I gotta go serve him something…maybe a coke, can I Mom? A can of coke?” Louise said.

Linda tossed her a coke can; she went up to Rudy’s table and poured the contents of the can into a nearby cup.

“A little refreshment for you right there” she said, “Can I get you anything else?”

“Bob’s Brownies” Rudy said.

“Bob’s what?” said Louise.

“Brownies. You know the chocolate burgers. I saw the promotional ad in the paper. Free of charge. Couldn’t pass it up”

“Mom labelled the chocolate burgers ‘Bob’s Brownies’? But that’s what Mom calls whatever dad leaves in the bathroom” revealed Louise.

“Oh gross…really?” said Rudy.

“Totally” said Louise.

“Is that like a critique of your dad’s cooking?” Rudy asked.

“No, no she loves the burgers…I don’t know, you think it’s subliminal? Like that’s what she’s really thinking maybe?”

“She might need help there” Rudy replied.

“I’ve been saying that for years” joked Louise.

“I was joking by the way; about the burgers…I don’t want any. I just came over to apologize for weirding you out with my phony reaction”

“Yeah, don’t scare me like that, ok. I got really upset…just like the time you didn’t tell me about your inhaler. I like looking out for you, don’t shut me out when I can offer you a hand” Louise said, placing her right hand on Rudy’s shoulder.

Roody clapped her hand and smiled, “In that case, you’re best pouring that coke down the sink, and I tend to get the runs pretty quickly when I drink that brand”

“See, was that so hard to tell me before you go potty?” Louise joked.

As the two shared a healthy and hearty laugh, the Belchers looked on proudly.

“I think our little lioness is going to give someone a mighty strong cub one day…once she settles on which one she wants” noted Linda.

“The circle of life, and it moves us all, can you feel the love tonight…” Tina said, quoting from one of her favourite movies.

“And here’s MY little secret…I killed Mufasa” added Gene, doing the same, only not quite using the appropriate quotes for the situation.

“Linda, did you really name my burgers after my bathroom business?” asked Bob.

“I was short on time, so I recycled” said Linda.

“That kind of sounds like a critique…you sure you don’t want to be honest with yourself? ‘Cause it sounds an awful lot like you don’t think you did a good job and you’re just putting my name on it to distract from the fact others may not take to it” said Bob.

“Do you think I did a good job?” said Linda.

“Well, yeah, they tasted alright I guess…”

“Then your name being on them is your seal of approval” said Lynda.

“Shouldn’t you have waited ’till you got my endorsement before putting my name on them to endorse them?” Bob continued.

Tina and Gene sensed this could go on all day and hastily retreated, all while Louise and Rudy talked shop about school and what life was generally like in the concrete jungle for the restlessly young cubs.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11814692/1/Rude-Health

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Bob’s Burgers-Half Past Childhood

belchers

BOB’S BURGERS

HALF PAST CHILDHOOD

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

Disclaimer: Bob’s Burgers and all characters are trademarked by 20th Century Fox

(This takes place after “Ear-Sy Rider”, easily my favourite Louise episode to date)


Having closed up shop for the evening, Bob and Linda Belcher were making firm plans for the morning ahead.

“I’m going to tuck the kids in Bobby; did you clear your schedule for tomorrow?”

“Sure did Lin, it’s just now the guys think I’m in the pro wrestling business”

“How’d they draw that conclusion?”

“Well I wanted to make my day seem more dramatic over the phone, so I told them I had to wrestle the schedule, and…Well…”

“…The phone cut off didn’t it?”

“Yeah…not so much as cut off, as Gene took it. Ripped it right off the walls” Bob explained.

“Oh Bobby, my big pro” Linda said, elbowing him.

“Ok stop it, look at me; I’m not in any sort of physical shape to put someone in a headlock”

“Sure you can, here, try me” Linda said, wrapping her head around his lanky arms.

“Lin…Lin, this isn’t…” An unnerved Bob spoke.

“Come on, choke the chicken littles out of me Bobby” Linda commanded.

“Lin, cut it out, this isn’t funny, I might hurt you, you want me to end up like Crispen Wah?”

“Crispen who?” Linda asked

“Crispen Wah” Bob answered

“Crispen…? What, Bobby I don’t know anyone by that name…”

“Wrestler. Killed his whole family” Bob continued.

“Oh you mean the guy with the French Canadian name…”

“Yeah, I’m pronouncing it right”

“No you’re not” Linda insisted.

“Gene’s always telling me I am” Bob explained.

“Gene’s a precious thing, but he’s totally a living depiction of a vandalized Wikipedia article” Linda noted.

“So how is it pronounced then?” Bob asked, genuinely curious.

“I’m going to tuck in the kids” Linda said, turning away and heading upstairs

“The guys still think I’m a wrestler” Bob yelled.

“Well call them again and say you’re not” Linda advised.

“I don’t think it’s attached to my side of the wall anymore. I told you, Gene sort of confiscated it. He attached it to the other end and charges me a buck to use it” Bob explained.

“Aw…a literal pay wall, that’s adorable” Linda replied

“I’m his father, I should put a stop to it” Bob muttered awkwardly as the full extent of his unsteady and shaken ego took hold.

“You’ll do no such thing” Linda told him.

Linda went up stairs and checked on two of her little darlings, Tina and Gene, before making her last stop at the den of her little floppy-eared dragon, Louise.

“Good night Louise, did you have fun with that visit we had from the little bicycle gang?”

“Motorcycle gang Mom” an annoyed Louise corrected her.

“Oh they were all quarrelling like little kids weren’t they? Then they became grown ups when that baby arrived…and you grew a little too, getting over your loss of your ears”

“I got them back Mom. Ta da” Louise said, stroking her ears with both hands.

“Yes, but you still felt compelled to tell Logan you could have them…I think you’ll hold yourself to that promise”

“I was totally psyching him out, the bone head fell for it. I can promise him only further pain in the future” Louise revealed, cackling devilishly and rubbing her hands with anticipation.

“Oh I’ll let you have your fun, I’m sure Logan will tolerate you more now that you said that to him” Linda continued, remaining ever the optimist in light of her child’s mischievous ideas.

As she motioned to close the door, Louise put out her hand.

“Mom…wait” she said

“What is it Louise? Need a good night kiss?”

“Firstly…gross, and secondly…he didn’t throw them out”

“He didn’t do what?” Linda said.

“He didn’t throw them away Mom. My ears, he told me he had and when I unleashed the gang on him, he caved and showed me he’d kept them”

“Aw, isn’t that adorable?” Linda said.

“That’s so not the word I’d use” Louise countered, folding her arms and staring at the ceiling, permitting herself a huff.

Linda beamed. She could tell these sorts of signs.

“What word would you use baby?” she said.

“Creepy. He’s…what, a couple of years up from me? I know the games boys play with girls Mom, that’s what freaked me out so much when he took ’em” Louise added.

“You recognize all that at your age? I’m impressed” Linda said proudly.

“Yeah, well that’s what happens when you’re street like me. We grow up too quick…maybe he senses that and targets me for it”

“You like taking care of the little lads in your class and challenging the older types, you want to test ’em, see what they’re made of…who knows, instead of making them break, you sort of leave an admirable impression on them” Linda explained

“I leave Logan with an impression? It ought to be the fear of further scorning, knowing I’m more resourceful, knowing I have him wrapped around my finger like he was today, wrapped so tight it must be likened to that of a noose. I want him to know my influence can lead to suffocation, not satisfaction”

“Big notions Louise, but I think what you told him today just shows how big of a heart you have”

“I was psyching him out, there’s no way I’d give him my ears willingly Mom” Louise insisted.

“Maybe that’s what you tell yourself sweetie, to ward off anything too above your station at your age, but I see honesty in those bright eyes of yours, and I hear sincerity whenever you speak…what you told him was sincere Louise, right now you’re half past childhood, but when you strike Adult O’clock, you’ll admit that to yourself”

“Well, I’ll be content with tick-tick-ticking off Logan as much as I can before that happens so he’ll never want anything to do with me” Louise vowed.

Linda stroked her face tenderly and rubbed her bunny headpiece lovingly before exiting the room

“Maybe, or maybe he’ll appreciate that you give him plenty of attention” she said, switching off the light and closing the door.

Louise slipped into unconsciousness as sleep took hold, peaceful thoughts of a sharp streetwise mind cast her mind to thoughts of one-upmanship and being in a position to control all those who dared cross her.

She relished thinking childishly. Long may it continue.

Well beyond the half-way point of childhood.

And if she crossed paths with Logan well past that, she’d make sure it wasn’t just his own adulthood he had difficulty with.

There was that occasional thought pertaining to whether or not he would enjoy it with her, but in light of thirty minutes past childhood, it came unglued in favour of selfish, devious thoughts about how much she’d enjoy making him suffer.

Any other thought suggesting anything otherwise could be left to a time all its own, and an age yet to come.