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Bob’s Burgers-The End Is The Beginning

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BOB’S BURGERS

THE END IS THE BEGINNING

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

(Contains Spoilers For “Bob Actually”)

As Louise received the hot tag from Ollie as the game of tag intensified, she knew that her role on the playground as of this moment was to be the personification of unparalleled terror.

The other kids knew just how devious she could be at administrating her own take on a tag. It wouldn’t just come up with a light prodding of her finger upon a part of the body. Oh no.

It would come with a tackle, a trust, a harsh cold slap across the cheek. It would be physical, it would be painful.

She was usually not in the business of dealing with the pleasantries of playtime. Louise Belcher was all about injecting a dose of chaos into the more tranquil activities during school hours.

After all, to her School was very trying. Why should anyone work off their stress when said stress would just start mounting up again as soon as they re-entered the classroom?

The kids scattered in all directions, except Andy and Ollie, who desired Louise to tag them so they could selfishly keep the game all to themselves, tagging one another until eternity caved in. Louise ignored them and pursued others on the playground.

Ultimately, though she stopped in her track.

Every world she paid attention to, the ones centred on the game, the playground, and the stress all caved in as she saw a solemn figure on one of the swings nearby, nimbly swaying back and forth and humming a faint little melody to himself.

Louise could faintly make it out. It was The Right Stuff from New Kids On The Block.

She only knew about that from the kind of music listened to by the father of her best friend.

She walked over to the boy on the swings, perched herself on the swing next to him and nudged him on the shoulder

“Hey buddy, what’s got you down?” she asked Rudy.

“Oh hey Louise, I was just thinking about life…and life, life again, ’till I’m kind of full of it”

“C’mon, life’s always kicking you in your perfect teeth, do me a favour and bite it right back” Louise replied.

“Oh I will…someone has to. I just wish it had been my third cousin”

“What happened with him?” Louise asked.

“He died this morning.”

Louise shuddered as a chill coursed through her veins.

“Major apologies man, death’s a kicker”

“Guess I’ll be using your poem for the funeral” Rudy replied, referring to the one she had written for their class project

“Hey, no, that’s morbid, you’re the guy that brings spoons to a gunfight, ready to make breakfast out of things that are hard to swallow, you can write something much better than that” Louise replied.

“Maybe I could talk a little about the disease he was fighting, how it made him a little desperate to die, but that he wanted everyone to go on living. He thought so selflessly…makes you wish we were all like that”

“Hey, living takes effort, especially with the low-lives you wind up having to put up with”

“Yeah, we’ve all had our fair share” Rudy spoke in agreement.

“Hey Belcher, get back in the game” snapped one obese kid on the playground as the two remained seated at the swings.

“Your tag is gonna come hard and heavy lardo” Louise retorted. Rudy laughed, then gasped for breath, Louise quickly rummaged through his pockets and gave him his inhaler.

“Thanks” he said, “You always bring me back from the brink of death”

“Hey, it’s me, the girl who breathed life into you on valentine’s day, you can always trust me to keep you going” Louise replied.

“I was thinking…if I ever got the same disease my cousin had, at any point, I’d like you to make the call on whether I should live or not.”

Louise tried to keep herself composed, she wasn’t the best at dealing with raw emotional dilemmas

“Are all your bat stir crazy breathing problems affecting your brain? Don’t ever ask me to do something like that Rudy ” she said

“You’re a cool cat Louise, there’d be no pressure with you” Rudy assured her.

“Yeah, but it’d mean letting you off life’s leash, I’d sooner reserve that for jerk offs like Logan”

“You said you’d end me, I’m holding you to that”

“That was only if you ever told anyone I kissed you” Louise whispered, not wanting anyone to hear her.

“Belcher, come on” cried out another kid as everyone scattered across the playground became restless with their impatience.

“Maybe it’s best you go play, don’t worry about me”

“I like worrying about you buddy…besides, you’re it”

Rudy suddenly remembered that when Louise had nudged him earlier, she was still playing the game, even though she had brought no terror to his doorstep.

He smiled, and nudged her back.

“You’ve still got it” he said, and darted off.

“Ah, so you DO want me to end you. Tell you what Rudy…in this situation, I can arrange all manner of methods I can satisfy your demand”

“Come and kill me” said Rudy.

Elated to be free of a moral dilemma that was best left to their adult days, Louise shot like a bullet towards Rudy as he darted around the other kids, who likewise took off, thinking Louise would eventually target them.

Louise had other plans, she knew Rudy would take her one step beyond her usual spots, he would let her pursue him across all other layers of the school he was accustomed to visiting, and she hoped that when he ran out of breath, they would be in a place so secure she would have the opportunity to once more breathe life into him as their lips came together once more.

For him, she was Alpha and Omega. The beginning, and the end.

And for her that end would only lead to the beginning.

Bob’s Burgers-The Living End

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BOB’S BURGERS

THE LIVING END

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS

(This contains spoilers for “Bob Actually”)


“Louise honey, did you finish your poem for school yet?” Linda asked her youngest daughter.

“Not yet Mom” Louise replied.

“Let me know when you have” Linda said.

Louise had struggled all week to come up with something for her school project, the challenge was to write a poem based on the themes of mortality, death and grief, and it had to come from the heart. Conveniently enough, there had been some inspiration for her recently.

“How’s the funeral coming along?” Louise asked of her mother.

“Oh you know how your father is with relatives of a friend, he’ll want to be the designated driver”

“Of the hearse I hope”

“Don’t be silly dear, his pals will all be encouraged to give their dearly departed a spiked salute, once that’s done they’ll be in no state to drive, so your father will be taking them all home”

“Ah he ought to give them all a hellfire ride downtown, put them all in a death-defying mood”

“Oh honey, breaking the law afterwards isn’t going to take anything off the mind of your father before he arrives there”

“Why not?”

“He thinks he’s obligated to give some sort of a speech…it’s funny because he really didn’t know too well, either that or too much time has passed and his memories of spending time with him have lapsed”

“A real trip down amnesia lane huh?”

“Yeah, it’s a shame, there’s so many things that you think you’ll treasure forever, but the passage of time really leaves you out of touch sometimes”

Louise resumed work on her poem. Eventually, she printed it out and showed it to her mother, who approved of it in the obligatory prideful manner that most moms would, and sent Louise off on her way to school.

As she walked down the street, she carefully read the poem aloud to herself

“Death is a stinkhold

I tell you no lies

Once it’s applied

You’ll do nothing but cry”

Louise thought long and hard about what brought her to convey such thoughts to paper, a frightful situation experienced by the brave soul that was her brother Gene, stepping in to take the feared move on behalf of his terrified sister at the hands of her nemesis Logan, one of few men she had ever shed a tear in front of.

A humiliating moment that had brought a disquiet to her feisty soul.

As she mulled over her poem, she suddenly bumped into someone walking up towards her. Just as she was about to fall backwards and hit the concrete, this person reached out and grabbed her by the arm, propelling her forward and preventing her from collapsing.

Louise stared up at her rescuer. Regular Sized Rudy, his face still bearing a red hot handprint, Louise’s handprint, from their fateful valentine’s day encounter.

“Hey slugger, thanks for keeping me off the concrete” she said

“You going to shake my hand with that one, or shatter my face with it this time?” Rudy asked, pointing to her hand that he had clasped in his own.

Louise smiled, and swiftly shook it.

“You got your poem ready for school?” he asked.

“Sure do, come on, let’s exchange” Louise suggested.

The two did so, Rudy reading Louise’s out first.

“That’s a killer” he said

“Well it fits the theme don’t it?” said Louise, swiftly turning her attention to Rudy’s poem

It’s a very different sort of dark

When we deal with the loss of light

The moments we reflect most fondly on

Are our courage in the fight

As time takes eternal steps ahead

And as we move as one with it

We pray our kindest days before

Provide us with due credit

We reflect, we rise, we raise a toast

As winter turns to spring

A little early to call on the sun

But these times demand we sing

We close our eyes, we let our day slip

We know this procedure all too well

What we take from it is a moment

Where we realize there’s still much more to tell

The stories, the legends, the place souls lost to us hold

Our minds, our hearts, our spirits soar

As love decays grief’s pure cold

Louise was taken aback. The poem was elegant, beautifully composed, and above all else, hopeful.

“Do you mind if I use your poem?”

“For class? Sure I guess, least I can do for that kiss you gave me” said Rudy.

“No, not for class, my Dad needs some A-material to read at a funeral”

“Sure, if you think it’ll bring some life to that kind of party”

Louise gave Rudy’s face a tender stroke with the hand she had used to slap him

“When it comes to planting a note of dignity on death little buddy, you’re what I’d call the living end”

The other side of Rudy’s face began to beam as red as his other side as another kiss graced his lips and the merciless hand of Louise thrust itself upon his features.

 

Bob’s Burgers-Enough Rope

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BOB’S BURGERS:

ENOUGH ROPE

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


“I want a crack at that whip” Louise remarked as Tina continued to thrust her right arm in a forward motion towards one of the restraint tables, with her brother Gene continuously making whiplash noises.

Their parents, Bob and Linda, walked in, caught sight of what they were doing, and were left bamboozled.

“Tina honey, what are you doing?” Bob asked.

“Just putting in an imaginary shade of grey” Tina said.

Bob instantly understood the reference and became ever so slightly miffed, he turned to Linda.

“Lyn, I told you not to leave that book lying around” he pointed out.

A small breeze briefly touched the back of his neck. He turned around, only to find nothing there. He didn’t give the sensation any further thought

“I already grounded Louise for reading it” Linda said in her defence.

“Yeah, but you know how exotic Tina gets also” Bob replied.

“Oh yeah, the butts thing…there’s a lot of that in there. Silly me” said Linda, realising the error of her ways.

“I want a crack at the whip next” said Gene.

“No dice, I promised our client I’d keep him male” said Tina.

“What kind of girl doesn’t want to make a man out of me?” asked Gene.

“Tina, let your brother fantasise about a woman in that position” said Linda

“Don’t encourage this behaviour Lyn” Bob said.

“Oh where is my head today…I know where it is, it needs to be where the dishes are, come on Bob you can help out”

“Lyn, you’re avoiding the subject, you think they’re going to cut this out? It’s a project to them, they’re going to COMMIT”

“Just let them whip it out of their system, nobody’s getting hurt”

“My client is, and he enjoys it.” Tina replied.

“That’s nice dear; good customer feedback is what we like to hear in real life too”

“Is this real life, or is this fantasy?” Bob joked.

“Dishes Bob” said Linda.

As Bob took in the greasy plates left on the far right of the bar, he noticed a young puckish boy staring intently upwards outside.

“Rudy?” said Bob, and wandered towards the front door to see what was going on.

“Hey, Mr. Belcher” said Rudy.

“Rudy, why are you staring up at Louise’s window?” Bob asked

“I’m thinking of a way to climb up”

“Seriously, like in ‘Clarissa Explains it All?'” Bob asked.

“Bobby, the dishes” said Linda.

“In a minute Lyn” said Bob.

“What’s ‘Clarissa Explains It All?'” asked Rudy

“Don’t you watch late night Nick?” asked Bob.

“Louise is always telling me I’d never last past midnight” said Rudy.

“Why do you want to climb up to Louise’s window?”

“I heard she was grounded, we were supposed to play some games at my place, thought I’d come to her instead”

“Why not just invite yourself in? You’ve been in our home upstairs before”

“Mrs. Belcher didn’t want Louise to talk to anyone today. Could you maybe convince her?”

“She’s a little too busy at the moment son..besides, even if you wanted to see her, Louise’s window is closed”

“I know, I want to get her attention somehow so she’ll open the window”

“Then how will you get up?”

“She could hand me a rope or something” Rudy explained.

Bob chuckled.

“I really think you need to think this through Rudy, this sort of thing rarely works outside of the movies”

“You think I’ll be too big for the rope to sustain?”

“Well you said it” Bob replied.

“The whole thing’s not worth talking if that window just remains shut” Rudy replied.

Bob picked up a couple of small pebbles on the ground.

“Here, chuck one of these at it, this used to work for me all the time when I wanted to hang out with my friends” Bob replied.

Rudy tossed one as far as he could, but it barely reached the intended target, falling back down at the half-way mark.

“Put a little more energy into it Rudy, like this” Bob said, hurtling his own stone.

A thunderous thud and an alarmingly harsh crack could be heard.

“Oh swell move there buddy” came a voice from behind them. Bob and Rudy turned around, and were greeted by Louise, holding a bag of sweets in her hand.

“It was your Dad” Rudy said.

“Yeah, but you encouraged the madness”

“Louise, what are you doing out here? You’re grounded” said Bob.

“Yeah, I snuck out while Tina was putting on her shady show” Louise revealed.

Bob suddenly realised where the chill that pierced the back of his neck came from earlier. While he and Linda watched Tina’s imaginary sex show, Louise had managed to creep past them and quickly slip through the door. The weather was particularly breezy so it caused a draft.

“Tina got that idea from you didn’t she?”

“You and Mom were too busy today to nip out to the store to get us our Wednesday intake of sugary goodness, so I stepped in using my knowledge of the ‘grey area’ to give Tina and Gene something to do to hold your attention”

“Yeah, well I’m going to have to confiscate those and ground all three of you for pulling that stunt” said Bob

“Yeah, and if you do, I’ll tell Mom you broke my window” said Louise.

“Oh you play this game way too well” said Bob, deflated and defeated.

“Tina’s putting on something shady? A slim chance I could see it?” said Rudy.

“Not for your innocent eyes little buddy” said Louise, grabbing his hand and pouring some sweets into it.

“Thanks” he said.

“I heard the whole thing by the way…you wanted me to hand you a rope? You abuse yourself way too much as it is” she joked.

“Or maybe the ‘Tangled’ thing” Bob asked.

“Hey, I value my hair just the same as the hat on my head” said Louise.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to pull it so hard it’d tear off”

“Make me an instantaneous skinhead? Worth it” Louise replied.

“OK, OK, I’ll sneak you back in Louise, but you’re still paying a small price. Rudy, go home, you can see her at school tomorrow”

“Yes sir. Thanks for the sweets Louise”

“Thanks for being sweet enough to come ’round buddy” Louise replied, nudging him on the shoulder.

As he left, Bob instructed Louise to stick closely to his back as he walked back into the restaurant, where Tina was going into overdrive on her ‘client’

“Aw look Bobby, she’s trying to earn a bonus” said Linda, beaming proudly at the fictitious feat.

“I suppose she’s not really scarring anyone except herself with this” Bob replied.

“Crack that thing quick and hard girl” said Linda

“Yeah, crack it like a window” joked Bob.

“Give yourself enough rope Dad…” Louise whispered devilishly.

Bob’s Burgers-Keep The Sky Close

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BOB’S BURGERS:

KEEP THE SKY CLOSE

Contains spoilers for the episode “Earsy Rider”

The trek home was proving to be a daunting task for Tina and Gene as they tried to keep their youngest sibling in check.

Twice she had attempted to storm back over to where she had lost her ears and scream raw and rudely at the heavens, begging whatever God might exist to bring the upstart bully Logan back to the spot and surrender his prize back to her.

She felt like the heavens were falling.

As they walked up the road, Louise kept her hands firmly pressed down on her head; covering her exposed hair and trying not to look any familiar street dweller with direct eye contact in case they recognized her and became curious as to why she had suddenly parted ways with her ears.

The walk back to her father’s business, and their home, was paved with excruciating detours as she cut in and out of alleyways and behind dumpsters to avoid the other kids coming home from school, especially the ones with the sort of mouths that would let loose all kinds of gossip if they caught sight of her.

“You’re making it feel like Mordor, stop souring my homecoming experience” cried Gene, himself getting perturbed with Louise’s behaviour.

“Gene’s got a point Louise, trying to avert attention is only going to draw people to you” said Tina in agreement.

“If they want to talk shop, I’ll be sure to talk smack when I know who they are” Louise snapped back, “Until then, leave me be, I’ve got a rescue mission to strategize”

“You can’t be comfortable in a position like that, why don’t you sit down and meditate a bit over what you’re going to do” advised Tina.

Louise lifted all but three fingers off her hair before anxiously pinning them back down to her head again. Her anxiety levels were so high she couldn’t contemplate life without something above her ears.

A piece of her was missing. Without it, she couldn’t sooth her soul.

She took in deep breaths, but this only resulted in her holding in her breath in hopes she could pass out rather than live with this kind of pain any longer. Gene and Tina had to help her to her feet several times as she staggered and swayed from side to side, almost spilling over into the road and into the midst of traffic.

“Ok, we’re taking the bus the rest of the way, you sit here and we’ll check for the times they’re usually due” said Tina, resting Louise on a seat.

“Just leave me to drift out with the rest of the tide” said Louise, refusing even to spread her arms over the seat.

As she looked up at the clouds, her wild imagination was strangely passive, as abstract imagery formed in her mind’s eye.

Clouds that would, to her, normally take the shape of a fist hitting a face or pulling the hair out of a wild ogre in Logan’s likeness were instead replaced with tiny pin drops and whirlpools. All this accompanied by strange music.

In the corner of her eye, she spotted the source. It was Rudy, his headphones plugged into his ears, with concert hall music playing at full blast.

Louise was slightly annoyed at the sound levels, but she couldn’t pry a hand off her hair to tap him on the shoulder and plead him to cut out the commotion.

Rudy suddenly glimpsed her next to him, and could read from her face she was troubled.

“Louise, hey, I’m sorry if I was disturbing you” said Rudy as he took his earphones off and switched off his walkman.

“Hey, I’m good buddy, don’t worry” said Louise, trying to make it look as if she was more relaxed.

Rudy was concerned, he could read her expressions and tell that she was far from calm.

“You waiting for something?” he asked

“Yeah, a bus” Louise replied.

“You sound more like you need closure on something” said Rudy.

“Closure? Me? My life’s pretty open-ended at this age” insisted Louise.

“What happened to your ears?” asked Rudy.

“I didn’t feel like wearing them” lied Louise.

“You’re missing them though, I’m guessing you didn’t part with them on purpose” he said.

“Promise you won’t go about telling people about this?” said Louise.

“I’d probably be too busy hyperventilating to utter a word” joked Rudy, in relation to his asthma.

“I wish you wouldn’t joke about that dear, it’s more serious than what’s not on my head” cautioned Louise.

“Hey, laugh in the face of fear is my motto” said Rudy.

“You saying I’m scared now?” joked Louise.

“You sound short of breath” said Rudy

“Yeah, well my recent experience today took the wind out of my sails. Once I calm down, I should be alright. I just can’t get over what happened” Louise confessed.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find a way to resolve it in your own time, here, let me make time for you now, let me make it a bit better” Rudy said, and placed his hands behind Louise’s head, lifting it ever so slightly and forming two bunny ears with his middle fingers

“Ok, spread those wings” he said.

Louise smiled, and slowly raised her two arms off her head, she relaxed and looked back at the clouds.

“The music you were playing…that was what they call ‘absolute music’ wasn’t it?” she said

“Yeah, it’s some boring arrangement for our music class, I’d rather listen to trash metal” said Rudy.

“No, no, it’s good, it’s always good to have nothing normal going on up here, that was just a nicer kind of abnormal” Louise confessed.

“Is that what you need right now? Because you sound like you want to kick ass, not listening to music that sucks ass” said Rudy.

“The hard knocks can wait ’till tomorrow, you mind walking me home so long as you can keep your own little ‘ears’ waggling behind me until we get there?” she asked, placing a hand tenderly on his own.

“Sure thing” said Rudy.

She got up just as Tina and Gene made their way back and before long Louise was walking home clutching Tina and Gene’s hands with Rudy keeping his fingers above her head as promised.

He’d also, at Louise’s request, given her his MP3 player and headphones.

As she walked back home, her family and best friend beside her, she looked upwards again at the clouds and allowed the abstract to make the most of her abnormal day.

All while her angel kept to his word, keeping the sky close to his hands, and preventing the heavens from coming down.

Bob’s Burgers-Full Speed Ahead

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BOB’S BURGERS

FULL SPEED AHEAD

WRITTEN BY ZARIUS


Rudy dashed across the halls of the school in pursuit of his quarry.

Full speed ahead.

A sharp pain coursed through his chest.

He hadn’t slipped, he hadn’t tripped on his own laces, and it wasn’t his usual sort of allergies or anxieties taking hold of him as was his daily lot in life. It wasn’t even a real, physically taxing sort of pain, it was an emotional flutter.

He seemed very in control at this particular moment. Something had destiny written all over it.

This was his one moment in time. His eleventh hour.

And it was going to hurt like hell.

“Don’t do it Louise” he yelled as the troublesome young Belcher darted through the halls with her brother Gene and headed towards a familiar site.

“Someone smash the monitor, we’re surfing the stairwell” Louise yelled, “A prize cash for anyone who grabs him”

That was the kind of offer that motivated every lazily minded lout hanging around their lockers, and the meatheads and jocks all headed in Rudy’s direction.

Rudy eyed up his obstacles and made contact with what wasn’t there.

Someone always had to spread their legs when forming a human barricade.

He sneered and quickly executed a baseball slide between the empty space underneath the largest jock and emerged on the other side too late to prevent Louise and Gene climbing the stairs and preparing to slide down the banister.

This time Tina wasn’t there, she was monitoring Zeke as he entertained his grandmother back at the home, making sure he came back to school afterwards.

This was all on him now, he had to look out for Tina’s sister, and he had to make his hero proud of him.

As the siblings slid down the banister, Rudy leapt in and held out his hands as the full force of Louise’s frame crashed into his body, sending both reeling backwards. Rudy stood his ground, knowing if he fell to the floor he’d look humble to the rest of the gathering student body.

Gene came down next, Rudy motioned to push Louise out of the way so he could catch him, but Louise instead gave him a commanding look. Rudy nodded, and allowed Louise to catch her brother as he dived straight into them.

“I hit a girl” yelled Gene, punching the air in triumph.

“Now that’s the sort of abuse I can take” Louise remarked, patting Gene squarely on the back.

“Alright, you two are going to detention” said Rudy, “Louise, Gene, I’m gonna have to take names”

“You know our names already, in fact you just said them” insisted an annoyed Louise.

“It’s the system” Rudy insisted.

“A system that plays down what just went up” said Gene.

“Just give me a speeding ticket and I won’t do it again” Louise replied.

“Dang, my fountain pen isn’t working” Rudy replied, he asked Louise if he could borrow hers

“No” she said

“But it’s mine, you borrowed it a week ago because you snapped your pencil trying to pull out the built-in eraser at the back of it with your teeth” said Rudy.

“I’ll give it to you if you dash through that jock’s legs again” Louise remarked, and complimented him on his speed.

“That was pretty fast” Louise said, “What do you have? God speed or something?”

Rudy couldn’t answer; he was feeling a tight and fierce compression on his chest.

This time, it definitely was the physical sort of pain. The impact of both Belchers had proven too taxing.

“Oh god, Rudy, speak to me, are you ok?” a panicked Louise asked, squeezing his right hand.

“That’s ok, I feel total and complete relief…” he said as he tried to reach into his pocket for the inhaler, Louise helping him.

“…Because you’re ok” Rudy finished, his hand steadily losing his grip on the inhaler as he took it out

Louise smiled tenderly and took the inhaler from Rudy’s weakened grip and placed it into his mouth.

“Breath deep and inhale tough guy” she said, Rudy did as instructed.

“Gene, I don’t think I want to go down that thing again, that ok?” Louise asked, learning her lesson as she bore witness to the price paid.

“I’ll fly solo, and shoot first” said Gene.

Louise soon slid something else along Rudy’s wrist,

“What’s that?” He asked

“Friendship bracelet. Tine gave me it after I helped her with her dorky scout business. You want it?”

“Why?” Rudy asked.

Louise huffed and folded her arms.

“Gee, I don’t know, maybe because you’re my buddy you dork” she said, elbowing him on the right shoulder.

“Louise, you put a hit on me” Rudy reminded her.

“And you took a hit for me, even after all that” Louise added.

“Point taken, I guess with God’s speed comes God’s mercy. Did I blaspheme? Oh no, I totally did” he said.

“You’re hell bent on going downstairs aren’t you my little cupcake?” Louise asked, gently stroking the top of Rudy’s head.

Rudy kept his thoughts of this to himself, knowing Louise would probably recoil if he said anything too soft.

Louise could tell what he was thinking, and a part of her was already kicking herself for thinking the same things in return, another part of her was urging her to speak them.

But they were kids, this was school, and there was so much more to learn.

If there ever was such a thing as divine intervention, it was making its influence known now. There would be time in the future for their little slice of heaven.

For now, both hoped the road ahead would be a hell of a crazy one to travel down.

Full speed ahead.

Bob’s Burgers-Play For Today

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BOB’S BURGERS

PLAY FOR TODAY


Linda was eager to put together a big lunch for a social function she was attending that day, an alternative to the burgers Bob was supplying.

Variety was always, for her, the extra spice you gave to life after all.

Twenty or so vanilla cream egg rolls ought to suffice” she thought, and promptly entered the kitchen to set about her project.

She assembled the necessary ingredients, she sorted out the vanilla cream and butter waiting for her in the fridge, she hard boiled the eggs, and she took out a fresh loaf to prepare.

Only one thing was missing.

Make that several.

The tools required to spread the magic.

She looked everywhere, in all of the cupboards. Not a trace.

She walked out of the kitchen and came to the lounge, where a peculiar sight greeted her.

Her youngest daughter, the ever unpredictable firecracker Louise, was crouched down on the floor holding something in her hand that looked familiar.

On the sofa was the cutlery that had gone missing from the kitchen.

“Louise honey, what are you doing?” Linda asked

“Putting on a show” a frank Louise revealed.

“With the kitchen knives?” Linda asked.

Louise nodded.

Linda saw that she was playing with a salt shaker.

“Careful not to get that over the sofa honey” said Linda.

“Relax mom, I emptied the salt out before I started” Louise revealed.

Linda knelt down beside her, trying to work out what her play was about.

“Oh I get it, the knives represent gang members, it’s a big bloody brawl right? That sort of thing is always your kind of scene isn’t it?”

Louise laughed

“No Mom, it’s nothing like that, it’s a comedy drama”

“Comedy drama?” said Linda, a little surprised.

“The little salt shaker is the pushover who has to overcome the might of our main hero, the sharpest tool in the shed”

“The shed?”

“That’s what I’m calling the sofa” Louise revealed, “It’s like a big cage where the meanest and maddest fighters come together”

“Ah, so it is a brawl then?” Linda asked.

“It starts off with that, but it’s a lot more personal than that” Louise explained.

“Really?” Linda asked.

“See, the sharpest tool in the shed has a weakness that’s known only to her and the salt shaker” Louise revealed.

Linda smiled.

“This tool’s a ‘she’ eh? I get where this is going, aw”

“Yeah, well if you can put that together, the rest of the math you do will be a cakewalk”

“Honey, who do you want to put this play on in front of?” Linda asked.

“I’d rather just keep this one to myself, its good therapy to the sick thoughts going on in my head at the moment” said Louise.

Linda grew concerned.

“Oh my floppy eared favourite, what’s wrong? You’re not thinking of dicing yourself are you?”

“No, no Mom, it’s the other kind of ‘sick’ I’m used to” Louise explained.

“Oh” Linda said, sighing in relief.

“Anyway, the little shaker is just that. He’s a shaker. He thinks he’s tough; he wants to let everyone know it, but the sharpest tool? She knows him inside out, she’s been there when he was humbled one time in a kickball incident, and he went down hard. He doesn’t let the experience show, but some of it is evident on his face”

“Honey, the shaker doesn’t have a face, its clear glass”

“Now you see the horrors of what kickball does to you” said Louise in a cold and foreboding voice.

“Oh, this is horrifying, I’m hooked” said an enthusiastic Linda.

“The sharpest tool wants to end this quickly, so she can advance to the next stage in the game, so she makes sure to tackle him quick and make sure when he lands, it’s as gently as possible. She wants him humbled, but not hurt, she tells him to take care”

“So how does the play end for him?”

“It’s an ongoing journey, he knows he’s outmatched by the sharpest tool in the shed, but that won’t deter him from learning from her…and she’s sort of impressed by that, she has to be, she likes him a lot”

Linda could now sense what this was all about.

“Honey, what got you into this sort of thing? It had to have been recent” said Linda.

“Just something that occurred to me after a birthday lately” Louise said.

“Oh I get it” Linda said, smiling.

She got up, dusted herself off and turned to walk back out of the room.

“Honey, mommy needs those knives back soon, you finish up and I’ll give you one of the leftover sandwiches I’m making up for my social, ok?”

“Make sure you use the sharpest tool there is when you do” Louise revealed.

“I might even put some salt on the rolls as well, don’t want your little shaker to feel left out” Linda replied.

Louise smiled.

“Thanks mom, I don’t feel as sick anymore, a bit, but not much”

Linda nodded, not wanting to say what was on the tip of her brain next.

She kept that to herself.

She remembered what that recent birthday was.

It was Rudy’s.

He had wanted to spend the day having everyone who attended the party help him put on a play he had written with finger puppets, only to be dragged into an incident that saw them make off with a bouncy castle and it ultimately got everyone detained. Louise felt so bad about the incident she ultimately helped a distraught Rudy put on the play.

As Linda left the room, she pondered the clarity she was holding back from her daughter.

Honey, you’re not sick, you’re in love”